Welcome to college, dear freshmen. Hopefully by now you’ve settled into your rooms and figured out the vital things: where the bathroom is, the art of dormitory furniture arrangement and the sexual orientation of your roommate. As you crawl into your cozy twin bed for the first time tonight (the mattress of which has seen more action than a Berlin stripper), it’s time to worry about getting to know your fellow students.
And yes, I mean “to know” in the biblical sense.
Scary though it may be, the bookish goons that surround you will make up the bulk of your sexual relations for the next four years. But never fear! Carnal Knowledge will be there through it all to hold your hand and remind you to pack the rubbers.
In ruminating on what advice I could give to a class of 18-year-olds embarking on a four-year sexual adventure, I drew a blank. I could state the obvious (although, as I’ve discovered, the obvious is usually lost on our sexually incompetent student body). I could waste this space to wax poetic about wrapping up your junk or the likelihood of hilarious New Student Week hookups.
But I’m not going to. This week is for meeting and swapping spit with as many other students as you can. To aid you in your journey, I present:
The Carnal Knowledge Wildcat Welcome Scandalous Scavenger Hunt
Hopefully this’ll get you kids talking about the important things. (No, not your majors or your hometowns.) Just print it out and check off the things that you find and do. Compete with your suite. Divide up into teams. The individual or group with the most points at the end of New Student Week wins.
People To Find (5 points each)
- The Jesus-lovin’, Bible-thumpin’, no-sex-until-marriage true believer. Usually female. Probably couldn’t find their vagina with a detailed map and instructions.
- The person whose sexual orientation comes up in the first five minutes of conversation. Double points if “So…I’m gay” is the third thing they say, after “Hi, my name is…” and “What’s your major?”
- Someone with a sexual-partner count that’s more than ten. Double points if they live in your suite.
- Someone who can’t say “clitoris” without blushing.
- A virgin upperclassman. Triple points for this one!
Things to Find (10 points each)
- Three condoms: one lubed, one ribbed, one flavored (yes, you still have to wear a condom for oral sex, unless you want gonorrhea on your tonsils).
- An object in your roommate’s possession that could be used as a sex toy of some kind. Double points if you find an actual sex toy.
- Dormcest in action.
- The lubricant section at CVS.
Things to Do (15 points each)
- Watch porn with your suite. Double points if it was made in the 1980s or involves pirates.
- Make out with someone that you will probably never talk to again. Double points if you’re completely sober.
- Sexile your roommate. Even if it’s just to cuddle. Especially if it’s just to cuddle.
- Get someone to tell you their favorite sex position before they tell you their hometown.
- Make a trip to Searle to get a clean bill of sexual health.
- Take a group shower.
This scavenger hunt is just to get you started, of course. With hundreds of freshmen prowling the hallways, looking for action, anything can happen. Just remember: Anything that does happen gets chalked up to the heady excitement of Wildcat Welcome. So make sure you get to know as many people as possible, because come the first week of classes, your sins can be washed away like the telling stains on your new Ikea comforter.