Search Urban Dictionary for “blow job” and you find something that reads like this:
Asshole: Hey, you wanna give me a blow job?
Girl: No, it makes me gag.
Asshole: Come on, give me a blow job. It’ll be fun!
Girl: NO. It. makes. me. gag. and. hurts. my. throat.
Asshole: Oh, come on, you’re just not open to things.
Girl: Fine, if you eat me out, I’ll give you a blow job.
Asshole: Ew, never mind.
Blow jobs are the epitome of our hook-up culture. On the “List of Things to Do with the Rando You Met at The Keg,” the blow job comes in second (closely following the make-out sesh), while cunnilingus, the blow job’s mystery-shrouded twin, comes in sorry last. The worst part? How ingrained this unfair double standard is in our college hook-up culture, almost like we’ve accepted the disparity as fact.
The vast majority of women need at least some clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which can be greatly helped by oral stimulation. The clitoris is full of nerve endings: it contains even more than a penis. A significant portion of the college-aged female population has never experienced an orgasm — an idea completely unfathomable to most guys.
Men are full of excuses for not wanting to pay lip service to women: It’s icky. It’s smelly. It’s messy. It doesn’t taste good. Toughen up, bitch. A little tonsil hockey south of the border never hurt anybody.
Why do guys expect to receive but refuse to give? For one thing, cunnilingus carries a stigma. It is almost completely absent from mainstream movies (and “mainstream” excludes Lesbian Dreams, mind you). When it does happen, it’s apparently a big freaking deal, and guys think they deserve a big ol’ pat on the back for their sacrifice. Um, no. You’re still in much debt to the female population– there’s absolutely no reason going down on a girl should be treated differently than going down on a guy.
Guys’ hesitance to give can be chalked up to human anatomy. The penis is a simple tool, and most males are perfectly comfortable with it. But the vagina (or, more correctly, the vulva) is so complex that many women don’t completely understand it. And though most guys will never admit it, the cooter freaks ‘em out.
According to one Northwestern sophomore I spoke to, cunnilingus is a much more intimate practice than your everyday blow job, and it is a rare occurrence outside of long-term relationships. “It requires a certain amount of trust that isn’t going to be there if this is just a hook-up,” he said. Is this truly the case, or another of many bullshit excuses to be lazy?
Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of guys who “love licking the V” and “love making it all about the woman,” as they told me. God bless your little hearts. One guy said, “I just prefer to see that the girl is enjoying what I’m doing to her.” There should be more of these guys on earth.
Some guys don’t mind giving oral sex, but their lack of opportunities to do so stems from their lady partners’ own self-consciousness. The only thing getting in their way is female insecurity.
For gals who may be tongue-shy down there: Yes, you smell. Get over it. You are only human, and no amount of feminine products or douching can change it. But penises aren’t all flowers and rainbows either, and this isn’t about achieving a porn star-like level of superficial perfection. There are plenty of ways to make the occasional unpleasant scent and icky taste of one’s pink parts more bearable, though. First off, girls should pay attention to their diet. While not a scientific fact, eating lots of fruits and veggies has been said to make both girls’ and guys’ nether regions tastier. Likewise, unhealthy habits such as smoking and little exercise may make for a much stronger stench and ashtray taste. Not fun for a guy running his tongue along your ‘other’ lips.
Most importantly, though, learn to love and be comfortable with yourself. If you aren’t relaxed during the act, you won’t enjoy it no matter what. But when you actually get down to it, don’t simply leave your partner without guidance: another common excuse is that guys simply don’t know what to do down there.
While oral sex is generally safer than penetrative sex in terms of contracting STD’s, unprotected oral sex is still a huge risk, especially if you have no prior knowledge of your partner’s sexual history. Consider this as your friendly reminder that flavored Dental Dams are perfect for your eating-out occasion.
So, men: On your knees! That’s an order.
Sex position of the week: spooning leads to forking
There’s nothing quite like spooning to provide maximum pleasure for you and your partner. Lie on your sides with her back to you, like a set of spoons in a drawer. Lift her top leg up and enter her from behind, then hold her thigh back so she is in somewhat of an arched position. From this angle you have very good access to her clit and breasts – use this to your advantage! This is also a perfect position for some dirty talk, since your faces will be pressed closely together. There’s a reason why so many couples rave about spooning – just remember to be gentle with your forking.