Ever find yourself tangled betwixt your sheets with your partner-in-crime, bodies writhing, sweat dripping and not a care in the world except crossing that finish line? But suddenly, everything starts going wrong: your breath stinks, and every time you try to kiss, a stray clump of hair foils your efforts. Then, when you try to find a condom in a dark, you fumble around with no luck. Your love-fest has been ruined by lack of preparation; neither of you has a breath mint, hair tie or condom. Don’t let this happen to you! Here are the crucial items to keep by your bedside so, when it’s time to cross the finish line, it’ll be smooth sailing for both of you.
Towel
You know all those episodes of Room Raiders on MTV where they shine blacklights over people’s beds and find pools of dried-up body fluids? Don’t let this happen to you. Hopefully you’ll be doing your laundry soon, but do you really want to sleep with that in the time being? Didn’t think so. Put a towel down before it starts to rain. It’s a super-easy clean-up, and some towels come so cheap that you can even throw them away when you’re done. Especially if she’s got her period, a simple hand towel is a Toolbox “must.”
Vibrator
Only a small percentage of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Help alleviate this unfortunate situation by utilizing a basic vibrator. No, it doesn’t mean that your penis is inadequate or that your fingers are rubbing her the wrong way (though actually, they might be, but that’s another story). The modern age is full of nifty technological wonders, and the vibrator is one of them. Even the most basic ones usually come with a couple different settings to control intensity and speed of vibrations. A guy can use it on a girl or he can kick back and watch her use it on herself. And ladies, if there’s no man in your life, a good vibrator is all you need. Just remember to stock up on batteries!
H2O
They say sex is the best exercise you can get… do your body a favor and keep it hydrated. Also useful to wash away that less-than-pleasant taste in your mouth.
Gum, breath mints or mouth wash
Tons of guys and girls refuse to get within five miles of their partner’s breath after he or she goes down on them. Always, always keep some breath mints or Listerine strips on hand to cure your vag- or penis-breath after oral sex. A bonus: ever notice the “curiously strong mint” bit scrawled across the top of your Altoids tin? Well, the reason why ain’t so curious –- the peppermint oil in Altoids and many other breath fresheners contains menthol, which creates a cooling or tingling sensation in the mouth. This same sensation can be used to pleasure your partner when you go down on them. Skilled playas and lovers alike know to keep poppin’ the mints before, during and after the entire love-sesh.
Oral sex mints
The folks at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommended Adam & Eve Go Deep Oral Sex Mints specially for Northwestern students. In addition to creating the same awesome cooling and tingling sensations of your average breath mints, oral sex mints contain the mildly numbing ingredient benzocaine. Benzocaine “numbs the throat muscles, suppressing the gag reflex so she can take in more,” as the container explicitly states. No word yet on whether these actually work… but any testers should kindly share their results.
Lotion
For the lonely folks. Goes hand-in-hand with… your hands.
A swimming pool full of hot, slippery lube
Sometimes, no matter how hot you’re making him or how horny you’ve got her, the juices simply aren’t flowing like they should. Imagine Superman flying in through your bedroom window, here to save your sex life –- only instead of Superman, it’s a bottle of lube. Ta-da! Problem solved. Generic lubes are good for body massage, hand jobs and fingering. However, they don’t exactly taste like peaches, so if you need some wetness for oral sex or general licking and kissing of the body, flavored lube is your best bet. Sex Tarts lubes come in fun, sassy packaging and are yummier than yummy. A word of warning: never use oil-based lubes like Vaseline or hand lotion with condoms! The oil will dissolve the condom, so make sure to use water-based lubes specifically designed for penetrative sex.
Kleenex
Stop using your bedsheets, the corner of your pillow or your dirty t-shirts as Kleenex and buy a box. They are convenient, disposable, simple, cheap, absorbent, dependable, comforting, there to help you when you’re in a sticky spot… kind of like your best friend (minus the cheap and disposable part, hopefully).
Male enhancement cream
While I lack the anatomy to try this out, and doubt I’ll find someone who will ‘fess up to having used it, the package claims it’s guaranteed to make your member harder, better, faster, stronger for longer.
Condoms
Condoms are your desert-island item. It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable he says they are or if he “promises, promises to pull out” — if you aren’t planning on getting an STI or breeding a whole generation of Mini-Mes, wrap it up. Luckily, condoms come in more sizes, flavors and varieties than Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. For guys who can’t stand the feel of a condom, Tony Randees at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommends Kimono brand micro-thin condoms, which are so thin you won’t even know it’s there (check to make sure!). There are also many flavored condoms and dental dams on the market. Note: most are meant for oral sex only, because the sugars in many flavored condoms can leave girls with a nasty yeast infection. But both Trustex Tastee’s and Durex Colors and Scents are a-ok for vaginal sex. So know your options, and don’t be a fool: cover your tool.
Hair ties
Are you tired of going in for a kiss and coming away with a mouthful of hair? Are you sick of waiting the entire five seconds for your partner to move her hair out of the way while she’s giving you head? If so, a hair tie is the ideal solution for you. Girls with long hair should always, always have these on hand. Guys looking to fill their little black books should have them on hand, too — just don’t wear them on your wrist. That makes you an asshole.
Hand sanitizer
For those times when you just don’t know where they’ve been, Germ-X kills 99.99 percent of germs.
Candles
If you’re looking to create a romantic atmosphere, there’s no better way to do this than with candles. Just remember your lighter!
A sex game (or two or three or ten)
One of the dangers of too much sex (can you imagine?) is getting stuck in the rut of using that one guaranteed-to-get-us-both-off position every time. Invest $5 in a set of position playing cards. Nerve.com even makes a daily sex position calendar, so you can bang in a whole new way, every day.