“101 Sex Tricks To Try Before You Die!”
“21 Naughty Sex Tips”
“Our Naughtiest Sex Q&A”
“67 New Sex Tricks”
“Little Touches He’ll Love You More For”
In each eye-catching tagline, Cosmopolitan promises to revolutionize your sex life with secret tricks that “will push him over the edge.” It’s silly, but sex sells. That’s why I was shocked when I heard that, for the first time ever, more college students are subscribing to TIME magazine than Cosmo.
WHAT?!
I’ll be the first to admit it: I love reading Cosmo, dirty tips and all. Who doesn’t? Sure, my friends and I make fun of the tips — but we’re all still reading them. If someone flips to the next page before everyone is done, they’re guaranteed a dirty look. Men are no better: Several guys I know read their mom, sister or girlfriend’s Cosmo when they think no one is watching.
Cosmopolitan magazine capitalizes on the misunderstandings men and women have in the bedroom. It demystifies an experience that has the potential to be both mind-blowingly amazing and painfully awkward. Cosmo offers women (and many curious men) ways to make sure that everything (ermmm) runs smoothly once a couple has gotten to the point where they’re sexually involved.
But the new statistic made me take a closer look. Is Cosmo as full of “fluff” as some people claim — and could that be why more women are turning to more serious magazines?
The tips and tricks Cosmo is known for seem untrustworthy, implying thousands of unsuspecting readers are falling prey to really, really bad sex tips. I used my personal experience and a team of 16 guys (both fraternity members and unaffiliated men) from Northwestern as well as other colleges around the country to investigate the matter further, and guess what? Some of the advice in Cosmo should have a “do not try this at home” label attached.
Looking through some of my old issues of Cosmopolitan, I found several worrying tips the writers said would spice up your sex life. The guys I talked to disagreed. Here are a few examples of Cosmo sex tips to consider quite carefully before attempting, as well as other sex “dont’s”…
(Keep in mind that the language used is sometimes crude and awkward. Just be prepared, and please don’t let your 12-year-old sister read this or watch this video.)
May 2008: “67 New Blow-His-Mind Moves”
“My girlfriend and I grabbed each other’s nipples during sex and squeezed them in sync with every thrust. The mix of pain and pleasure took me over the top.”
This just kind of freaks me out. If you’re into that and you don’t have sensitive nipples, go for it.
“I think a lot of sex tips put too much emphasis on nipples,” one guy said. “Just know that not all guys love it.”
“My woman made an audio recording of the sounds she made while pleasuring herself and then downloaded the track on my MP3 player.”
I can think of several awkward scenarios that having this song on your iPod could cause, like if it accidentally played during a game of beer pong, or if you let someone borrow your iPod and they stumbled upon it.
“Can you imagine if you were working out and that came on?” one guy said.
“When my girlfriend found a tear in her sheet, she pulled my penis through the hole, and we had sex with the material separating us. The fact that the only parts of our bodies that touched were our naughty bits made it feel forbidden.”
Here’s a piece of advice from me to you: If you want that “forbidden” feeling, just keep his boxers on. Boxers come with a ready-made hole, so you won’t have to ruin a good sheet.
“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
Pepper? Really?
“What I want to know is who discovered this one,” a guy friend said.
“Guys love how it feels to enter you. Next time you have sex, ask him to pull out after 12 thrusts, and stroke his penis for a few seconds. Then let him penetrate again.”
This tip would be good, except you really shouldn’t be focusing on counting during sex. And why 12 thrusts? Why not 30? Or five?
September 2006: “101 Sex Tricks to Try Before You Die”
“On a hot night, lick the salt off each other’s sweaty bodies.”
Okay, a few licks are fine. But if you’re both really that sweaty, just hop in the shower together. Just as fun. I promise. From the guys, the general consensus on this one was, “What?”
“Hold his arms over his head during woman-on-top and nibble the skin between his armpit and elbow.” Also: “You know that soft spot where my neck meets my hairline? Sit behind me, and run your tongue along it.”
The thing with these two tips is that they’re not bad, unless the guy you’re with is ticklish. If he is, you run the risk of getting elbowed in the face or really annoying him. Neither of those options is good.
“Let me run my manhood up and down your butt cleavage.”
You are allowed to do this tip if you can read it without cringing a little inside. Then, and only then, should you consider it. No further comment, except who calls it “my manhood” with a straight face?
“With my friends nearby, grab my butt, make out with me, and smile at me suggestively. I want them to really envy the fact that you’re with me.”
Every guy I talked to disagreed completely with this tip. One said, “There is no faster way to make your guy’s friends hate being around you.”
“In the middle of reverse cowgirl, lean all the way over and put your mouth around my big toe. Sounds crazy, but it will make me explode.”
Yes, it might make him explode, but it might also make him kick his foot out in surprise. This translates into fewer teeth for you, which would probably put an end to the hook-up session pretty quickly.
While Cosmo may be a haven for those seeking bad sex tips, girls aren’t the only ones getting misleading information. Men’s magazines like Men’s Health often offer sex tips for guys that should never be used. Both genders are still figuring each other out, so if you’re hooking up with someone and they do something that leaves you shocked and confused, give them a little slack. Maybe their roommate gave them a horrible tip to get revenge — or they just need some feedback.
Laugh it off, and get back to what you were doing. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”
What are you waiting for? Go experiment.