Ever hear those stories about the worst blow-job ever? The true-life horror stories, where she actually blows on his penis, or she uses so much teeth that he feels like his skin is being seared off, or he thrusts so deep that she ends up vomiting all over him?
With blow-jobs finally becoming more accepted by the public, it’s a wonder these scenarios continue to occur. In the world of Northwestern, where your best is never quite good enough, why not apply the perfectionist attitude to the art of fellatio? Taking a few hints on simple blowjob etiquette will only help you make the grade.
Tips for Gentlemen
No thrusting the pelvis or pulling on her head. Would you want someone grabbing you by your hair as they continuously ram a hard, six-inch object down your throat? Didn’t think so. She is not your masturbation tool. As long as she’s down there, this is her show and her time to shine. Respect that and let her do that awesome thing she does.
Tell her when you are about to come. No matter what Soulja Boy says, you cannot super soak dat ho, especially if you’re catching her completely off-guard. Even if you’re totally caught up in how awesome she’s making you feel, at least give her that open mouth, head-thrown-back, limp-handed nudge on her shoulder to let her know it’s a few seconds until blast-off. Girls should also be observant of his body language, in case he forgets to let you know. Said one guy, “If I’m clenching my butt, that means something’s going on.” Also look for clenched fists and/or a sudden stiffening of his penis.
Don’t force her to swallow. To spit or to swallow: It’s the age-old blowjob question. “I wouldn’t want my semen in my mouth,” said one guy. Well, neither do a lot of girls — especially beginners. The taste and texture of ejaculate in the mouth can be highly unpleasant, making spitting a very common practice amongst girls who venture below the belt.
However, swallowing makes for a much more self-contained mess than spitting. Some guys see spitting as unattractive or just plain rude. Many girls will admit that after some practice, swallowing really isn’t that bad. “It’s like taking a shot,” said one Northwestern student. “Just do it quick and don’t let it touch your taste buds on the way down.” But if your girl simply won’t swallow, respect her choice and move on. And girls — if you don’t know his history, save yourself this entire debate (and a potential STI) and use a condom.
Don’t be a jerk about kissing her afterwards. There are nice guys who kiss girls after getting head, and then there are assholes who stand over girls Nazi-style to ensure each tooth gets brushed before any further lovemaking occurs. These guys don’t want their own dick in their mouth. Understandable. But, as one girl put it, “I’m putting it in my mouth. If he wants me to continue doing that he shouldn’t have a problem with kissing me after.” While girls usually do not expect a full-on makeout after giving head, a peck on the lips would be nice after all she’s done for you.
Hints for Ladies
Use everything yo mama gave ya. Remember your class Halloween party in second grade, when the teacher brought in a tub of water and everyone took turns bobbing for apples with their hands behind their backs? That wasn’t Blow-Jobs 101. Make sure to use your hands.
Use your tongue – there is nothing worse than an abrasive blow-job that’s drier than the Sahara. And of course, using your eyes to glance up at him every now and then is always good, too.
Engage the entire package. There are several different parts at work in the male pelvic region. Make sure you don’t miss any.
Region A: The testicles. Ever wonder why guys are so protective of the family jewels? It’s because they’re super-sensitive, especially when he’s is sexually aroused.
Region B: The penis. Most guys understand that an entire shaft cannot fit into a girl’s mouth without choking her. However, neglecting the parts your mouth can’t reach is a huge turn-off for guys. Girls should try moving their hands up and down on the shaft in harmony with the up-and-down movements of their mouth — most guys appreciate the added sensations.
Region C: The coronal ridge of the penis, or the part where the shaft meets the head. The underside of the penis is highly sensitive in this region, and should be gently kissed or licked during head.
Region D: The perineum, or the area right behind his balls near the anus, which is home to countless nerve-endings crying out to be touched.
In engaging all of these parts, though, just remember to be gentle and fondle him, rather than squeeze him to the point of pain. As one guy put it, “Some girls think they’re in a craps game and think they’re rolling dice with my testicles.” Don’t be that girl.
No biting. Do. Not. Ever. Use. Your. Teeth.
Do not be repetitive and boring. They say variety is the spice of life, and blowjobs are no exception to the rule. “It shouldn’t be like you’re just dribbling a basketball,” said a Northwestern blowjob enthusiast. “You want to cross over, go behind the back, change it up a little.” Alternate between sucking and licking, fast and slow, hard and soft. Bring him almost to the point of orgasm then slow it down just to tease him. He will hate you at the moment, but in the end he’ll be thankful.
Have fun! “If you can have a good time with it and actually want to do it, then you’re gonna be good at it,” said a Northwestern sophomore. The key to an awesome blow-job is not some crazy skill or the world’s most flexible tongue; it’s the mindset you both go in with.
Sex Position of the Week: Lock ‘n’ Load
Have her lie flat on her stomach, hands at her sides with her head on a pillow. Position yourself so that you are face-down on top of her, one arm and one leg at each of her sides. Raise her pelvis upwards and enter her from behind. Prop yourself up on your elbows so that you are not putting your full body weight on top of her. At this angle, your penis will directly stimulate her g-spot with each thrust.