In an ideal world, sex would never have negative ramifications. No unwanted pregnancies. No sexually transmitted infections. No awkward, “What the hell did I just do?” moments.
Well, assuming that you’re using protection and testing yourself regularly (and insisting that your partners get tested as well) the chances of encountering the first two scenarios are hopefully next to nil. As for those awkward “oops” moments? Sorry, but there’s no way to safeguard against those.
Unfortunately, protecting your physical health is only half the battle when it comes to sex. There’s the mental and emotional battle to deal with as well – and often the aftermath can be pretty gruesome.
Human beings are sexual creatures. Our animalistic instincts tend to bubble up at the most inopportune times, clouding our judgment and inspiring us to sleep with exes, significant others of best friends and that drunk girl missing a few teeth. Deep down inside we know we shouldn’t follow through, but do we ever listen to our inner voice of reason?
No, we don’t. We knock uglies with uglies and in the morning nearly die of embarrassment.
So what do you do? Learn some self-control, for one. I know it’s hard, but there are simply some situations you should avoid, such as sex with a 60-year-old peg-legged prostitute. Here are a few similar scenarios:
Rebound sex
So the ex from hell has just ripped out your heart and stubbed it out on the ground like a cigarette butt. Lame romantic comedies make you tear up and Ben & Jerry have become your best friends. You talk about your ex incessantly to the point that your friends have stopped returning your voicemails detailing your latest theory on what went wrong.
These friends will tell you that you just need to get over it and find some nice new distraction, such as an attractive rebound partner. In some ways, they’re totally right: Having someone new can make the memory of your ex fade faster than you can hop into bed. But is it a good idea?
Well, yes and no. Keep in mind that rushing into a new relationship directly following a breakup never ends well. You’re usually not over the previous relationship and thus your new partner gets shafted (no pun intended). So if you’re hooking up with no strings attached, it’s a go. Otherwise, stay away.
Also, make sure your rebound is with someone you at least find attractive. Don’t just grab the first available drunk at a party. A good way to tell if your judgment is being clouded by those five martinis: Bring along a friend to pass judgment on your rebound choices. Two drunken opinions do not a sober opinion make, but it’s better than nothing. And never, ever just have sex with someone just to have sex. Then you’re getting into the more dangerous territory of…
Revenge sex
If the entire time you’re having sex, angry visions of your ex (or lying, cheating current partner) keep popping into your head, then congratulations, you’re having revenge sex! Why is this not a good idea? First of all, it won’t make you feel better. It’s more likely that it’ll just make you bitter and sad. And how fair is it to the person you’re having sex with if your post-coital cuddling is constantly interrupted by your sulky rants?
Breakup sex
So you’ve grown tired of thinking about your ex every time you’re with someone else. So what do you do? You go crawling back to the comfort of what you’ve left behind. It feels so natural, so right…
And so very, very wrong. Many couples break up but keep having sex on the sly because they can’t give up the physical side of their relationship. Especially after a long-term relationship, it’s hard to give up someone who knows your body almost as well as you do. But it also reopens the old wounds of the relationship and always leaves one person wanting to get back together.
It’s just in everybody’s best interest to ignore that booty call, no matter how desperate you are. You broke up for a reason. Don’t forget that.
Make-up sex
This is obviously the sex that happens after a big fight. For some reason, sex has become most couple’s equivalent of extending an olive branch. The issue? Someone’s probably still mad about what was said during the argument. And sex is not a great Band-Aid for the emotional issues of a relationship.
Some people argue that some of the best sex they’ve had was make-up sex. Obviously the sex is better because passions are running high and the adrenaline is already flowing. In fact, the sex is so good that you get tricked into thinking everything is fine and dandy. The rub is your partner is probably still ticked but won’t bring it up again until you’re fully entrenched in post-coital bliss.
Desperation sex
You haven’t gotten laid in months, perhaps years. Maybe never! You’re practically foaming at the mouth with sexual desire. What happens? You jump into bed with the first person who gives the slightest indication of interest.
It doesn’t matter if they’re covered in lice. It doesn’t matter if they have a deadly body odor. It doesn’t matter if they have six toes and three arms, because you’re getting laid!
Desperation is never sexy. People can smell it from miles away. Wait for the right person to come along (or at least a person you won’t want to vomit on in the morning). In the meantime keep a good stash of porn handy.
Blackout sex
Scenario: You’re at a party. You’re well into your 13th beer. You’re feeling pretty good. So good, in fact, that everyone in the room is suddenly looking pretty sexy. You pick someone up, take him or her home… and then you’re not sure what happened. When you wake up there’s a used condom on the floor, but you’d remember if you had sex, wouldn’t you?
Blackout sex is never a good idea. You don’t even get to remember your night of drunken debauchery! And your chances of waking up next to someone surprising exponentially increase with every beer you down. The solution? Take it easy on the keg stands. Bring along a pal to make sure you’re coherent enough to understand exactly who (or what) you’re taking home with you. And if you do end up in some stranger’s bed, be as polite as possible and look forward to an embarrassing walk of shame.