According to a recent study at the University of Michigan, 60 percent of college students have had a “fuck buddy” relationship at some point in their lives.
“Egads,” I thought when I first read it. “That seems a bit high.”
But then I remembered our lovely Northwestern campus, where bona fide relationships are about as rare as the irritating individual who does all the reading for a 300-level class. Besides the occasional random hookup, most of the sex happening on this campus is between friends or casual acquaintances.
You know what I’m talking about – that person in your circle of friends who you get drunk with one night and end up making out with. Which you could chalk up to one awkward night, except it happens again. And then again. Soon you’re rolling around on their cramped twin bed nearly every weekend, not quite sure what you’ve gotten yourself into.
You do know what you haven’t gotten yourself into: a relationship. This person isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend. You don’t go on dates, and the rest of your friends are getting suspicious about your progressively touchy-feely behavior. To make matters worse, your relationship with your former friend is starting to resemble some bizarre version of Fight Club — the first rule of the hook-ups is you do not talk about the hook-ups.
Can this ever end well? According to the Michigan study, 25 percent of fuck buddy relationships eventually ruin both the friendship and — perhaps worse — the sex. Only 10 percent evolve into relationships, while a third are miraculously able to stop having sex but remain friends. (Please note that for the purposes of this article, “fuck buddy” and “friends with benefits” are used interchangably, although the actual definitions of these common phrases are as widely varied as the relationships they’re applied to).
A friends with benefits relationship can be a great thing, if you do it right. I’m going to take the pessimistic view and say that most relationships in college would be better off if they were of the fuck-buddy variety: So few couples stay together after college and nobody has the time to date anyways. With a “special” friend, you get no-strings-attached sexual exploration with someone you already get along with.
So how do you not end up like that unlucky 25 percent?
- Make sure you’re really not looking for a relationship. If you’re after more than sex, then this is not the game for you.
- Separate the sex from the emotions. This is pretty damn near impossible for most people. Fuck-buddy relationships definitely require a special kind of mentality — the sex is just sex, and the friendship is just friendship. If you start to fall for your friend turned lover, tell them or end the sexual part of your relationship immediately.
- Be honest. Explain to the other person exactly what you’re looking for, so it doesn’t get messy later on when they propose.
- Discuss the rules. Are you both allowed to see other people? What about protection and birth control? Have you both been tested for STIs?
- Be willing to lose a friend. Sometimes things just don’t work out. I maintain it’s only as awkward as you make it, but if one person’s feelings get serious and the other’s don’t, sometimes you need to part ways.
- Don’t make a big deal about it to other people. When people find out about your unorthadox sex life – and they will – the questions will start flying from all directions. Chances are, your other friends won’t really understand the beauty of the situation. If they ask, just say that it’s “not serious.” If they call you a (man)slut, punch ‘em in the nose.
- Keep it light. You guys are just trying to have a good time. So keep the drama out of it.
- End it on a good note. This is your friend, remember? So if you lose interest, or become involved with someone else, be saccharine-sweet when you tell them. The great part about fuck-buddy relationships is there’s no break-up to deal with. But if you want to remain friends with them, or have them help you through future dry spells, end the sex as amiably as possible.
You’re a busy college student — what else do you have time for in your social life besides friends and sex? With a fuck buddy, you’re killing two birds with one stone and freeing up time for more important things. Such as drinking.