October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so this week’s Carnal Knowledge has put aside the trivial matters of one-night stands and tobacco-flavored condoms in favor of a much more serious topic: feeling yourself up.
Yes, I’m talking about breast self-examinations, commonly referred to by the medical folk as BSE. While breast cancer is rare in women in their 20s, it does happen. Most doctors only recommend annual mammograms for women over 40, but they do suggest monthly breast self-examinations for all women over 20.
And don’t worry boys, I’ve included something for you to keep your hands busy as well. College males fall right in the middle of the average age range for developing testicular cancer, so scroll down for information on finding lumps in your balls.
Giving the twins the attention they deserve: The facts about breast cancer
What causes it:
There’s currently much debate about what exactly causes breast cancer, but the main factor is age. Women who reach age 90 have a one in seven chance of having been diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives. Heredity also plays a role, but only in about 5-10 percent of breast cancer cases. Alcohol consumption (two or more drinks a day) and obesity can also increase your risk. If you enjoy being paranoid, click here to calculate your personal breast cancer risk.
What doesn’t cause it:
The Bush administration made a huge deal about a slight connection between abortions and breast cancer in rats. But according to the National Cancer Institute, there’s no connection in humans. As for your deodorant? Slather it on.
How to prevent it:
If you do drink alcohol, make sure you stock up on folate. It’s supposed to counteract the cancer-causing effects of your beloved jungle juice.
How to detect it:
Rapper Pharoahe Monch might have been on to something when he encouraged girls to “rub on your titties.” Doing a monthly breast self-examination can help you familiarize yourself with your boobs and help you to notice any changes, which can then be brought to the attention of a doctor.
Be warned that breast self-examinations have come under scrutiny in recent years. The National Breast Cancer Coalition stopped recommending the BSE technique in 2006, citing that there was no scientific evidence that it aided women with early cancer detection. Instead of helping, the NBCC claimed that BSE “increased anxiety, physician visits, and unnecessary biopsies.” However, they admit that patients, not doctors, found 80 percent of breast cancers themselves. The bottom line? The NBCC recommends “getting to know” your breasts, but not necessarily to look for cancer.
I say, whether you’re following proper BSE technique or just giving the mammaries a good squeeze, you can’t lose. If you do find anything unusual and/or painful, make an appointment to see your doctor. But try not to panic; boobs are fantastic, but full of strange lumps. They’re made out of fat, for Christ’s sake.
If you want to watch Fall Out Boy and other bands awkwardly demonstrate (most) of the steps of a BSE, click here.
Breaking Your Balls: The Facts about Testicular Cancer
While not given as much publicity as breast cancer, testicular cancer has been made famous in recent years by Tour-de-France champion and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong. Comedian and testicular cancer survivor Tom Green had his right testicle removed on national TV. Entertaining? Questionably. Scary? Absolutely.
What Causes It:
You supposedly don’t have to worry about colon cancer until your 50s, but testicular cancer is the scourge of young men: It is most common in men between the ages of 15 and 45. You might have a higher risk of contracting testicular cancer if one or both of your balls failed to drop. Heredity also plays a minor role: If your father or brother had it, your risk is slightly increased. And strangely enough, coming from a wealthy background is also a risk factor. So if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, watch out.
What Doesn’t Cause It:
Having a vasectomy. Or masturbating.
How to Prevent It:
Nothing yet has been scientifically confirmed.
How to Detect It:
Doctors recommend that all males past puberty give their testicles a good squeeze after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. Men should look for pain, lumps or swelling. Remember: If caught at an early stage, testicular cancer has an almost 100 percent recovery rate.
During our college years, cancer isn’t necessarily the first thing on our minds. But I think that everyone can agree that a little touch-feel every once in a while isn’t a bad thing, especially if we happen to be checking for cancer at the same time. So, ladies and gentlemen: Feel free to rub on your titties and grab your balls all you want. You have my blessing.