Sex is a lot of work. All the bumping and grinding can make you pretty exhausted and also pretty sweaty. If you think about it, sex sounds a lot like exercise, which the average American avoids like the plague. So why are we so eager to jump in the sack when the idea of jumping on a treadmill makes us cringe?
Two words: instant gratification. I’m talking, of course, about orgasms.
Yes, orgasms. The only incentive we have for procreation is a big reward at the end of all our hard work. Even so, the orgasm remains a big mystery to a lot of us. It’s elusive, it’s complicated and it can be very finicky. Sometimes it comes too soon, and sometimes not at all.
In the past couple of months, some of my friends have approached me with questions about the nature of their orgasms (or lack thereof). All of these problems were very common but are rarely publicly discussed, either in basic high school sex education or between close friends. I’ve compiled them here for your reading pleasure (and hopefully another kind of pleasure as well).
“Help! I’m having trouble ejaculating during sex!”
This problem was presented to me by a gay friend who was concerned about his ability to orgasm with another person. He said he was turned on during sex, but that there was never a grand finale. Orgasm during masturbation was never an issue, so he didn’t have a medical problem. What the hell was going on?
There’s a pervading myth out there that men should always be able to orgasm, no matter what. An informal poll of my female friends revealed that this simply wasn’t true. The majority of them had been with a guy who had difficulty ejaculating, usually the first couple of times they had sex. However, none of my male friends (surprise, surprise) would own up to this ever happening to them.
The main cause of delayed or absent orgasm in men in their college years is psychological resistance. Men (and women) who are nervous about their performance or who simply not comfortable with their partner can have difficulty reaching orgasm. Alcohol can obviously also play a huge factor.
Partners of people who have difficulty orgasming usually feel insulted, and sometimes question if they’re not attractive or skilled enough to get the other person off. The best thing to do in this situation is to not make a big deal about it when it happens, or it will be likely to happen again. As the sexual relationship progresses and you learn more about each other’s bodies and become more comfortable, it’ll probably happen less and less.
Some men also have trouble ejaculating when their female partner is on birth control pills because they unconsciously fear pregnancy. Because there’s no barrier (like a condom) it feels like there’s a higher risk and also the prevention is entirely out of their hands. Watching their partner take their daily dose of hormones is enough to quell some men’s fear, while for others the only remedy is time.
“I couldn’t get it up the first time I tried to lose my virginity. My girlfriend wouldn’t stop asking me if I was gay or if I thought she was unattractive.”
The poor guy this happened to was promptly dumped by his insensitive girlfriend. He claims he was so terrified the night they were supposed to do the deed the last thing on his mind was feeling horny.
Temporary impotence in men, especially young and supposedly virile college men, usually causes unwarranted alarm. Not being able to get it up is supposed to be the problem of old men like Bob Dole. But for most men in their twenties, a soft member usually isn’t the cause of age or a medical problem. Again, the cause is usually psychological. There’s no need to pop a little blue pill. Just give yourself time and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
“The first time me and this guy had sex, he came in about two minutes flat before rolling over and falling asleep. Needless to say, I was left pretty unfulfilled.”
Premature ejaculation is a common problem among young men. They’re just so excited to be having sex that they completely loose control and orgasm before it’s appropriate. Some guys treat sex like a race — they’re just looking to get to the finish line as quickly as possible.
Solutions to premature ejaculation include focusing one’s attention elsewhere (usually something decidedly unsexy, like Bob Dole and his wife having sex) or pausing during sex to ward off ejaculation. When a guy feels like he’s getting close, the easiest thing to do is take a break to focus his attention on pleasing his partner.
“I simply can’t orgasm with vaginal penetration alone! What the hell is wrong with me?”
My friend had this little outburst after barging into my room and announcing that she had a “major problem.” She could only orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and she was concerned that there was something wrong with her vaginal G-spot. Plus most women could orgasm from vaginal sex alone, so why couldn’t she?
First of all, Freud was the one who came up with this concept of the purely vaginal orgasm. He said that truly mature women would “move on” from their clitoral orgasms to only vaginal orgasms. Freud was also full of shit.
I assured her that the majority of women cannot orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. There are women who swear by their vaginal orgasms, but they are far and few between. The clitoris, for some sadistic reason, is simply in the wrong place to be stimulated during sex.
There are several things you can do to remedy this: use your fingers or a vibrator during sex to stimulate the clitoris, or demand oral sex. And no worries, your G-spot isn’t defunct, it just needs a little help from your clitoris.
“I faked an orgasm with this guy and now I feel bad if I don’t pretend to get off every time we have sex. In reality, he has no idea what he’s doing but I don’t have the heart to tell him.”
Never, ever fake your orgasms. You’re not doing anybody a favor. You’re not doing yourself a favor because you’re not getting off. And you’re not doing your partner a favor because you’re convincing them that their poor technique is what’s making you scream. And guess what? If you keep pretending to orgasm, they’re going to keep doing what they’re thinking is helping you get off.
So be honest. If your partner is putting their tongue miles away from your clitoris, say so. If your partner thinks that pounding away is helping you to reach the promised land, tell them the truth. Say exactly what gets you off, and show them how to do it. Believe me, you’ll both be more satisfied in the end.
Although saying that you faked your orgasms during the entire relationship would be pretty satisfying in a break-up fight.
“I was having sex with this girl, and when she orgasmed, she peed all over the bed! I was so grossed out.”
She wasn’t peeing on your bed, dude. She was having a female ejaculation. Yes, it’s rare, but according to medical research, it does exist. It’s also supposed to be the result of an incredibly powerful orgasm, so congratulate yourself instead of running from the room.
Female ejaculatory fluid does come from the urethra, but it’s not urine. The medical world isn’t quite sure what it is or what causes it, but it’s perfectly normal. It can cause a lot of consternation in women who ejaculate, because they worry what their partner might think. But hey, bodies are fantastically complex and bizarre, and it’s nothing to worry about. Just change the sheets.
“I think I’ve had an orgasm.”
Trust me, if you think you’ve had an orgasm, then you probably haven’t.
The speaker of this comment is obviously a woman. If a man said that, everyone would die laughing. In women, orgasms are less of a given and more of a mystery. There are a significant number of women who have never orgasms, either alone or with a partner.
The solution? Get a vibrator. Find your clitoris. Connect Point A to Point B, and voila!
It’s not that simple, but it’s a good place to start. Female orgasms are very elusive, and the only way to find yours is with time and patience. And a lot of lube.
The motto for this week’s column? Before you get busy, don’t toss back too many screaming orgasms. And if a problem arises, don’t worry too much – it happens to the best of us.