This quarter Carnal Knowledge will feature some reader questions. Questions are edited for content and length. Got a question? Let us know!
I’m a guy who has trouble finding fun girls at Northwestern. Are there any girls here who are looking for casual relationships, i.e. a “friends with benefits” type of relationship?
-Anonymous
Same question as the other Anonymous. It seems like it’s either start dating or go to shitty parties for one-night stands. Is there no middle path?
-Anonymous
There is a middle path, Anonymous Number One and Anonymous Number Two. But it’s unlikely that either of you are going to find it.
Let’s examine why. Anonymous Number One (ANO), you claim to have trouble finding “fun” girls here at our lovely institution. How can this be? I know plenty of fun girls. Fun, attractive, smart girls who know how to have a good time. Girls who enjoy sex as much as any man.
But I don’t think that’s what you want, ANO. You want fun! You want mindless sex! You want the supple co-eds of the Girls Gone Wild videos!
Sorry, ANO, but it ain’t gonna happen. To have a “friend with benefits” type of relationship, you actually have to be friends with the girls. Which means you actually have to have friends. Who are attractive. And who are attracted to you.
As for Anonymous Number Two (ANT), I feel your pain. Northwestern is a wasteland of sexual activity. You can either be practically married or randomly hooking up — there’s no other choice! None at all!
I’m sick of hearing this complaint from Northwestern students. Why? Because it’s lazy. You don’t actually want to date anybody seriously, but you don’t have the balls to make your intentions clear, either. So what do you do? You get drunk. And hook up. And then you blame your actions on the alcohol.
Look, guys, this isn’t hard. There are plenty of girls on this campus who aren’t looking for relationships but who aren’t into celibacy, either. You just have to muster up some social skills (shocking) and talk to them. And then hook up with them, sober. Wash, rinse, then repeat.
Where do you find these girls? Certainly not at church. It’s also not nice to prey on virgins, freshmen or the recently single. Everyone else is pretty much fair game. If you’re looking for a “friend with benefits,” well, then, you’d better start looking among your friends.
Most men look for casual flings because, hey, what could be better than no-strings-attached sex? I hate to break it to you, ANO and ANT, but casual relationships don’t mean less communication. If anything, they mean more. You don’t want anyone to feel used. So make your intentions clear at all times, be respectful and don’t toy with people’s emotions. Set the boundaries and discuss the rules. And, as always, be smart about using protection.
I suspect that sounds like too much effort, ANO and ANT. But you know what? Getting laid requires effort. So get up off your lazy, drunk asses and get busy.