This is Snarky ‘Scopes, your guide to what the universe in its grandeur has in store for your insignificant life this week.
- Aries (March 21 – April 19) Six minutes before your class at Tech, you’re power-walking past the library. Your ears and nose are bright red, because, God knows, there is no such thing as spring in Chicago, only winter and summer (and trust me, we are still in the dead of winter). A brilliant idea crosses your mind. Swift Hall, like a beacon, appears — a heavenly respite from the unending cold. You walk in, joyously congratulating yourself on your “Northwestern” cleverness. Suddenly… NO! Classrooms on all sides. You had no idea it didn’t cut through. This week move to California. You won’t regret it.
- Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Every day the dining halls commit a heinous crime: They close at 7 p.m. If this was France, they would open at 8 p.m. and stay open until midnight, offering a four-course meal complete with caviar and foie gras. But this is America. In America we eat vegetarian chili con carne (does anyone else see the irony?), and whether or not we are collecting Social Security, we eat it at 4:45. This week be patriotic: Eat like a geriatric.
- Gemini (May 21 – June 20) It’s Sex Week, people. Just another excuse for randy undergrads to legitimately talk about genitalia for five days in an “academic” way. You know better. And what is better than talking about sex? Having sex. And lots of it. What are sex week’s “events”? Congregations of loose singles who love talking about their sexual exploits. This week use a condom.
- Cancer (June 21-July 22) Being “environmental” has become so trendy. Everyone is doing it. Some people are getting paper instead of plastic bags at Whole Foods. Some people are using energy-saving light bulbs. Some people are simply watching Planet Earth and claim they’re developing an “appreciation for nature.” And everyone around you is competing for the Green Cup. But who wants to give up modern comforts for the sake of the little furry things out there? This week be a rebel: Keep the lights on.
- Leo (July 23- August 22) In an attempt to instill a sense of democracy in an increasingly apathetic generation, chalked messages and colorful flyers appear along the paths of uncaring and callous undergrads. Sure, it’s their money being allocated among the many political student groups, but really, as long as Big Brother is watching and making the final decisions, all the promises and proclamations mean jack. Your week will be like the ASG elections: trite and pointless.
- Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Like that baby polar bear in Germany that was saved by its cuteness, you’re guilty of clinging to something redeemable only for its adorable qualities. It might be hiding under your bed or in the closet, but you just can’t bear to say goodbye. It’s just too precious. It might be the ex with the silk underwear who still winds up in your bed every Saturday night. Or, the head of Snuggles (because that’s all that’s left after 20 years of love) hidden under your pillow. Or it could just be that cashmere sweater you got for your 16th birthday that didn’t fit and never will, even if it is Dior. This week pull away and let natural selection take its course.
- Libra (September 23 – October 22) The beauty of jungle juice is you’re never really sure what’s in it. And usually, you’re so drunk you don’t care. Your inebriation also makes you forget you’re packed into a three-bedroom apartment with 300 other partygoers, sweating out screwdrivers and whiskey sours. Your week is like the morning after: One long Everclear hangover.
- Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The CTA keeps telling you to leave early. Advertisements desperately beg you to get a car, or walk, or do whatever you can to avoid taking the train. But you are poor. You like the El. Appointment downtown at 3:30? Leave at 12. Just in case. Miracle of miracles! You’re two hours and 45 minutes early. Motto of the week: Never trust anyone over 30.
- Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It’s time for Spring Rush again — and time to forget about classes and dedicate your life to joining a frat. Just think what you’re missing: Camaraderie. Brotherhood. Philanthropy events to improve mankind. Free food. Keg stands. Probation. Getting kicked off campus. Your week will parallel the Greek system’s: You’re losing ground but at least you’re drunk.
- Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Welcome to the other side of paradise: Ordinary Time. The weeks of Lent are finally over. Facebook can once again become a part of your daily routine. Anyone trying to pull a Josh Hartnett can unzip their pants and enjoy the spoils of a renewed life. You are now in possession of scores of marshmallow peeps, bushels of jelly beans, and a chocolate bunny to boot. Welcome back to humanity. Join the rest of your non-Christian Capricorns for a beer and invest in some post-Easter Cadbury Cream Eggs from CVS.
- Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Medill and the School of Communication are going to Qatar. You might as well go, too. You’re paying for it anyway.
- Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Someone always has the infinite tact to mention that — *gasp!* — it being April, there are only two months until people contemplate donning bikinis and jumping into the cesspool down the street known as Lake Michigan. You swear this year you will be ready, with those cut abs and fantastic thighs. Only one thing can stop you on your journey toward becoming jacked out of your mind: an open treadmill, elliptical machine or bike at SPAC. This week keep dreaming.
