This is Snarky ‘Scopes, your guide to what the universe, in its grandeur, has in store for your insignificant life this week.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You look left. You look right. The coast seems clear. In one spastic leap you dash across Sheridan Road, barely avoiding the red Land Cruiser that just came out of nowhere. This may be the most daring thing you’ve done all year. You just had a near-death experience. You’re edgy now. This week, be the daredevil that you were meant to be: tame, and more likely to land a guest spot on the Disney Channel than Spike TV.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If high school is good for one thing, it’s evoking nostalgia. Remember all those football games you lost? That time at field day when Mr. Makes-You-Run-Laps-Even-If-You-Have-Asthma went in the dunk tank? Remember the snooty bitch who won homecoming queen? Yes, the high school yearbook’s the gold mine of better-forgotten memories that convince yourself you weren’t the loser who spent lunch in the library. But now? With your infinite knowledge gained at higher education you know not only that high school was lame, but that commemorating college in 300 pages is even lamer. This week you’re like a college yearbook: irrelevant.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Mother’s Day. Arguably the most important and annoying holiday on the calendar, made even worse when you’re away from home. Because you know that if your mom doesn’t get that cute card with the kittens and inspirational Eleanor Roosevelt quote on it by Sunday you’re done for. And you don’t even have an obliging family around you to split gifts with. But I mean, hey, you can always decorate a cheap frame at ARTica for her. Because that wasn’t done already in the second grade. This week you’re like your mother: disappointed and surrounded by people ungrateful for your sacrifices for them.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
What better way to get a bunch of couch potato nerds out into the fresh air than to sponsor a trip to a baseball game! It’s the national pastime. And, inexplicably, the Cubs are a well-loved team. Besides, you’ll get a free t-shirt! This just proves an age-old adage: People will do anything for free shirts. This week, be like Northwestern: Use your knowledge of the deep, inner workings of the minds of twenty-somethings to your advantage. They’re just waiting to be exploited.
Leo (July 23- August 22)
This week is an indie kid’s dream come true: Wilco is coming to Northwestern. Now, the rest of the population isn’t quite sure who Wilco is, but if they’re a little more educated than the average Jay-Z-listening meathead, they might realize that they should know Wilco. Or at least recognize Wilco. But hell! You don’t care who’s playing. Ten dollar concert tickets for a semi-famous band? Sure! This week you’re like all true hipsters: bitter and snobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Boomshaka is at it again. Those crazy girls want you to come watch them snap their hips dramatically as their male counterparts bang on trashcans with superb skills. Because it’s oh-so-difficult to hit trashcans. It’s an art form, really. Please, people: Buy a drum set. You’re not Stomp. This week: Take an extremely lucrative production and copy it. Because not only is imitation the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s also the surest way to ensure success.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
There is only one thing more philanthropic than going to a nursing home and playing bingo with an elderly drooler: working with Special Olympics. Really, let’s find the most marginalized people in America and spend whole days with them, coaching sports and watching them achieve things no one knew they were capable of. Touching, huh? This week, you’re like all the rest of the people who don’t help the mentally disabled: selfish and guilty. It’s a surefire combo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The season has begun — fundraiser season. It’s that time of the quarter when every Greek organization on campus decides that they’re about more than keg stands and circle of death, and try to give back to the community. With your help, of course… not. Because everyone knows that the only people who have to show up to Greek philanthropy events are sorority girls and frat guys, letting everyone else sleep in on Saturday. This week you’re a Greek fundraiser: You cost more than you’re worth.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Northwestern is hosting NCAA tennis? Somebody in their right mind decided that if there’s any school in the Big Ten that’s qualified to host a tournament, it’s Northwestern? Really? Didn’t someone remind them that there are more than 40 performance groups funded by ASG? This week you’re NU sports: You’re getting more attention than you deserve.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Mayfest is full of good things, right? The organizational kids (God bless their souls) have brought Ben Folds and now Cake to Northwestern. And they find plenty of ways to fundraise, making sure that we really do pay for all the things we do… just with a few drinks on the side. But 80s trivia night? Okay, so the 80s have been trendy for years. But think about the people at this university. The oldest of us were five years old when the 80s ended. Five. This week you’re like those 80s trivia buffs at the 1800 Club: out of touch and in desperate need to get out more. Please do so.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Welcome to blockbuster season. It’s that time of year again when Hollywood starts to pump out all the potential mega-hits that cost more than $200 million to film, but are guaranteed to make twice that off chumps who just can’t seem to get enough of bad writing and computer graphics. No ideas for a good family action film? Just do what Hollywood did this year: break out the triquels. Sequels of such schlock like Spider-Man and Shrek aren’t enough for America’s moviegoers. No, it’s time to drag out the same characters and stories yet again to bring in the big bucks. This week you’re just another excuse for an explosion. Take that as you will.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know what the best thing is about sunny, warm weather? The beach. You know where you find beaches? On coasts. You know what makes them beaches? Oceans. Except in Illinois, who refuses to be left out of beach season. This week you’re like a beach in a land-locked state: an appreciated anomaly.