Step 1
Pick out a bar. Choose one that smells like your twenties, like cigarettes and poor decisions. You can watch the Sox game at home, but convince yourself the ambiance is worth the six dollar beers.
Step 2
Notice your ex-wife in the corner. Notice how good she looks, inexplicably better than she did a few years ago. Notice how she’s still with Whatshisface. Notice how happy she seems.
Step 3
Drink.
Step 4
A few innings in, approach your ex-wife. Ask how she is. If her answer is short, press for further information. She may seem uncomfortable, but that’s no reason to stop trying to make conversation.
Step 5
When Whatshisface returns from the bathroom, he will ask you to leave. Do not listen. Consider asserting your superiority over him, perhaps in terms of earning potential or sexual prowess. Allow your ex-wife to escort you back to your bar stool.
Step 6
Drink.
Step 7
At the seventh inning stretch, return to your ex-wife. Slur an apology for how everything went, for the way you treated her. She will not know what to say, so continue to ramble. Eventually, Whatshisface will tell you to leave again. Shout incoherent insults until he shoves you.
Step 8
This is your chance. Stay loose. Envision Muhammad Ali. Pull your arm back, then twist your entire body as you bring your fist forward. Rotate your knuckles at the last second for maximum power. Aim for the face.
Step 9
Quickly realize how much it hurts to strike skin and bone with that much force. Shake your hand in pain until Whatshisface tackles you. Roll around on the stained bar floor like Greco-Roman wrestlers until the police arrive.
Step 10
Cooperate with the officer. If you are pathetic enough, there will be no charges. Don’t be afraid to cry, to tell your life story from the backseat of a cop car. He won’t listen, but he will drop you off at home.
Step 11
Do your best to sneak into bed quietly so your wife won’t wake up. She will anyway. When she asks why you’re crying, tell her the Sox lost.
Step 12
The next morning, over breakfast, your daughter will ask why you have a black eye. Tell her daddy had an accident last night. She will accept this. Make sure she gets to the school bus on time, and tell her to stay out of trouble.