Even with the onstage female ejaculation scandals and hookups on top of Swift Hall, Northwestern can be sort of a snoozefest when it comes to a sexual culture. If anything, the fact that the human sexuality class caused such a large uproar is only indicative of our lack of imagination and curbed sexual curiosity. To remedy this and increase the school’s sexual endurance (no penis pump necessary), here are some Northwestern-themed sex positions sure to hit the G-spot of any Wildcat. College is a time for experimenting, and you might as well do it with some purple pride motivating the venture into new things. Or, people, in this case.
The Arch
Person A: Shorter
Person B: Taller
Skill Level: 5/5 Fucksaws
Pay homage to one of Northwestern’s most well-known landmarks, the Arch. Person A bends back far enough where their hands can then touch the ground, supporting themselves while still extending their body, arching their back. Once they are positioned sturdily, Person B arches their body so that the front is leaning into Person A’s body. Since Person B is the taller individual, they will then be able to reach right above where Person A’s hands are and hold themselves up as well. Place genitalia in corresponding positions, adjust where needed and finally, add humping movements. Be careful, because once one person loses their balance, the whole Arch can cave in. If done properly, this sex position should look as if a tornado came through campus and began to shake the iconic Arch back and forth.
The Bobb-McCulloch
Person A: Shorter
Person B: Taller
Skill Level: 4/5 Fucksaws
In a slideshow published in late September by Huffington Post, Bobb-McColloch hall was given the title of No. 1 Party Dorm by a blog called CampusSplash. With such an honor comes a sex position inspired by North Campus. Bobb and McCulloch were originally disconnected mirror images of each other. In 1980, the two were connected. The participants must be strong and stout, just like the facilities of this dorm that have survived years of drunken belligerence. This sex position takes place while squatting. Person A will squat down just a bit. Person B will then mirror their partner’s position, and must lower themself to the same height as their partner. Their legs then go over Person A’s thighs. Persons A and B then connect with whatever phallic item is being used for their loving session. Stimulation begins. If done correctly, this position will surely work the glutes and other leg muscles, making SPAC irrelevant. Want to mix it up? Add some chains to the situation, just like how the trashcans are chained down to the Bobb-McCulloch hallways to keep drunk students from getting into shenanigans with the waste containers. However, you might want to save that idea until both consensual parties of this sex position are black-out drunk, like most of the residents in Bobb-McCulloch.
The Baha'i Temple
Skill Level: 4/5 Fucksaws
Person A: Largest
Person B: Middle
Person C: Smallest
This sex position derives from the Eiffel Tower position while being inclusive of individuals from all sexual orientations. Person A is sprawled out on the bottom, while Person B lies on top, penetrating the orifice of preference. Similarly, Person C then lies on top of Person B. Essentially, the Baha'i Temple sex position is a stacked threesome. The structure of this position is supposed to mimic the architecture of the religious center, which has three segments stacked on top of each other. However, the one requirement is at least one person is taking it from Bahai’nd.
Fisk-ing
Skill Level: 4.5/5 Fucksaws
This sexual act involves a little bit of roleplay. Your lover will post an ad on Craigslist looking for a casual nooner in the basement of Fisk Hall. As you descend into the sublevel of the journalism department and enter the men’s bathroom, turn the two left corners to the back stalls. Open the last stall and to your “surprise,“ waiting there is your playtime buddy. Lock the stall and get started with the bathroom banging. Once things start getting hot and heavy, a good-ol' fisting must occur. This scenario pays tribute to the Fisk basement's long history of risqué sex.
The Rock
Skill Level: 5/5 Fucksaws
For those daring enough, try this daylong sex position. Just like guarding the Rock for a full 24 hours, this position will take a lot of commitment and determination, but it is well worth the work. Person A and Person B begin in standard 69 position. Once oral stimulation has begun, the two will startle each other and curl their limbs over one another. Ideally, the two will form a compact orb of sensual pleasure hard as a rock. And if any males participating in this position hold out long enough, they'll surely be able to paint the Rock all-white.
Reach orgasm levels that almost touch the roof! Literally. Check out the bunk bed sex guide in NBN’s Fall Mag!