Northwestern's most sex-friendly bathrooms
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    For this year’s edition of Dillo Day, dorm residents must put any guests on a pre-approved list prior to this Saturday, meaning that bedroom tomfoolery might be put on hold. So you may have to get a little risky and head to the bathroom. It might not be the comfiest place to get some loving in, but with the variety of locations all over campus, there will surely be one that works for you. Let’s take a look at some of hotspots on campus:

    Deering Library basement

    Deering Library. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
    Accessibility: Same hours as the library
    Closest C-store for condoms: Norris
    Risk Factor: Low

    This lesser-known bathroom in the basement of Deering allows for a quick break from all the studying to get some sexy time in. With a large number of stalls to choose from and a location so far away from the central library, you won’t have to worry too much about somebody disturbing the fun. And with its striking resemblance to bathrooms in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, it won’t be long until we have our own Moaning Myrtle of whom to tell tales.

    Third floor of Norris

    Norris third floor. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Cleaning staff comes by often, a little musty however
    Accessibility: Same hours as Norris
    Closest C-store for condoms: Downstairs on the ground level
    Risk Factor: Medium

    With the plethora of student offices on the floor, it’s not unusual for a steady number of people to pass through the loo. The most interesting part of using this bathroom? Walking out to a building full of your friends and classmates you see every day.

    Tech basement

    Tech basement. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
    Accessibility: 24/7
    Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe
    Risk Factor: Extremely Low

    Nestled not only in the basement, but also near the back of this science labyrinth, the bathrooms in Tech are perfect to get away for a little recreational activity after a long day in the lab. These bathrooms also have emergency showers, so if you and your lover are looking to get a little adventurous and partake in some shower sex, it’s definitely an option. And don’t worry too much about getting caught. People in Tech are so sleep-deprived that they probably won’t even recognize the sounds you may produce.

    Pick-Staiger Concert Hall

    Pick-Staiger Concert Hall. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
    Accessibility: Depends on the day, back entrance is usually open
    Closest C-store for condoms: Norris
    Risk Factor: High

    What makes Pick-Staiger such a high-risk location is the fact that the concert hall is also open to citizens of Evanston. It wouldn’t be abnormal to see an elderly couple visiting the venue for a performance. But this also means that the bathrooms are usually maintained a bit better than other university building facilities. You might also want to keep it down — if your moans of ecstasy escape the bathroom they might just happen to resonate through the whole building thanks to its brilliant acoustics.

    Alice Millar Chapel

    Alice Millar Chapel. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean but cramped
    Accessibility: Depends
    Closest C-store for condoms: Hinman
    Risk Factor: High (only one stall)

    This cramped bathroom serves as the perfect getaway for some blasphemous banging with the cutie you saw from the other side of the pew during service. You might have to be careful since the bathroom’s pretty cramped, but the danger is part of the fun, isn’t it? Pray you don’t get caught or else you’ll have some repenting to do.

    Sixth floor of Kellogg (Accounting)

    Sixth Floor of Kellogg. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: No
    Cleanliness: Clean
    Accessibility: Same hours as the library
    Closest C-store for condoms: Plex
    Risk Factor: Low

    You probably didn’t even know Kellogg had a sixth floor. Get some foreplay in on the long elevator ride or follow the chase up the stairs all the way up to the highest level of Kellogg you can reach. The floor is quiet overall and you probably won’t be bothered by anyone. So whether its your hookup buddy from Intro to Micro or the grad student you met on Kellogg Keg Tuesday, there will definitely be some withdrawing and depositing going on.

    Dearborn Observatory

    Dearborn Observatory. Photo by author.

    Lock: Yes
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Standard
    Accessibility: Same hours as the Observatory
    Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe or Norris
    Risk Factor: Medium

    Right next to the romantic Shakespeare Garden, Dearborn Observatory’s bathroom is the solution to the craving of some afternoon delight after a stroll through the gardens. The bathroom might be risky, being right in the middle of the building surrounded by offices, but the lock will ensure your privacy as you start your venture into the milky way galaxy.

    Tennis locker room in SPAC

    SPAC’s tennis locker room. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean until end of the day when everyone has used it
    Accessibility: SPAC hours
    Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe
    Risk Factor: High

    The locker room has great amenities, including multiple stalls, two showers and a wooden bench — all things that will help you get an even better workout. But even with all these special features, the bathroom itself lacks a lock and people are most likely going to come through to use the facilities.

    Fisk basement

    Fisk basement. Photo by author.

    Lock: On stalls
    Light Switch: Yes
    Cleanliness: Clean but slightly musty smelling due to underground location
    Accessibility: 24/7
    Closest C-store for condoms: Hinman
    Risk Factor: Low

    The location and shape of this bathroom are optimal for privacy. In the depths of Fisk, foot traffic is low due to the somewhat sketchy lighting and foreboding ambiance. Furthermore, the bathroom is somewhat “U” shaped, with three legs. Take your partner to the back leg, and if you hear anyone coming in you’ll have enough time to pull yourselves apart and resume a calm disposition. Plus, it has a history.

    Porta-Potty outside of Sorority Quad

    Sorority quad Porta-Potty. Photo by author.

    Lock: Yes
    Light Switch: No
    Cleanliness: N/A
    Accessibility: Only if nobody’s already in it
    Closest C-store for condoms: Fran’s Cafe
    Risk Factor: High

    Some people are dirty, some people like it dirty and some people wouldn’t mind doing it in a dirty porta-potty. It may not seem like the best idea at first, but the idea of doing it in such a cramped place with blue-toned light peeking through the top would surely get some people’s libidos going. The lock is useful to keep uninvited visitors out, but most importantly, you’ll be able to tell this story for the rest of your life — once you’ve gotten over the fact that you hooked up in a porta-potty. Just one tip: Avoid being too rowdy so you don’t end up knocking the blue cube over onto its side. You don’t want to pull a watered-down poo cocktail supreme.

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