For this year’s edition of Dillo Day, dorm residents must put any guests on a pre-approved list prior to this Saturday, meaning that bedroom tomfoolery might be put on hold. So you may have to get a little risky and head to the bathroom. It might not be the comfiest place to get some loving in, but with the variety of locations all over campus, there will surely be one that works for you. Let’s take a look at some of hotspots on campus:
Deering Library basement
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
Accessibility: Same hours as the library
Closest C-store for condoms: Norris
Risk Factor: Low
This lesser-known bathroom in the basement of Deering allows for a quick break from all the studying to get some sexy time in. With a large number of stalls to choose from and a location so far away from the central library, you won’t have to worry too much about somebody disturbing the fun. And with its striking resemblance to bathrooms in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, it won’t be long until we have our own Moaning Myrtle of whom to tell tales.
Third floor of Norris
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Cleaning staff comes by often, a little musty however
Accessibility: Same hours as Norris
Closest C-store for condoms: Downstairs on the ground level
Risk Factor: Medium
With the plethora of student offices on the floor, it’s not unusual for a steady number of people to pass through the loo. The most interesting part of using this bathroom? Walking out to a building full of your friends and classmates you see every day.
Tech basement
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
Accessibility: 24/7
Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe
Risk Factor: Extremely Low
Nestled not only in the basement, but also near the back of this science labyrinth, the bathrooms in Tech are perfect to get away for a little recreational activity after a long day in the lab. These bathrooms also have emergency showers, so if you and your lover are looking to get a little adventurous and partake in some shower sex, it’s definitely an option. And don’t worry too much about getting caught. People in Tech are so sleep-deprived that they probably won’t even recognize the sounds you may produce.
Pick-Staiger Concert Hall
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean, just older facilities
Accessibility: Depends on the day, back entrance is usually open
Closest C-store for condoms: Norris
Risk Factor: High
What makes Pick-Staiger such a high-risk location is the fact that the concert hall is also open to citizens of Evanston. It wouldn’t be abnormal to see an elderly couple visiting the venue for a performance. But this also means that the bathrooms are usually maintained a bit better than other university building facilities. You might also want to keep it down — if your moans of ecstasy escape the bathroom they might just happen to resonate through the whole building thanks to its brilliant acoustics.
Alice Millar Chapel
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean but cramped
Accessibility: Depends
Closest C-store for condoms: Hinman
Risk Factor: High (only one stall)
This cramped bathroom serves as the perfect getaway for some blasphemous banging with the cutie you saw from the other side of the pew during service. You might have to be careful since the bathroom’s pretty cramped, but the danger is part of the fun, isn’t it? Pray you don’t get caught or else you’ll have some repenting to do.
Sixth floor of Kellogg (Accounting)
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: No
Cleanliness: Clean
Accessibility: Same hours as the library
Closest C-store for condoms: Plex
Risk Factor: Low
You probably didn’t even know Kellogg had a sixth floor. Get some foreplay in on the long elevator ride or follow the chase up the stairs all the way up to the highest level of Kellogg you can reach. The floor is quiet overall and you probably won’t be bothered by anyone. So whether its your hookup buddy from Intro to Micro or the grad student you met on Kellogg Keg Tuesday, there will definitely be some withdrawing and depositing going on.
Dearborn Observatory
Lock: Yes
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Standard
Accessibility: Same hours as the Observatory
Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe or Norris
Risk Factor: Medium
Right next to the romantic Shakespeare Garden, Dearborn Observatory’s bathroom is the solution to the craving of some afternoon delight after a stroll through the gardens. The bathroom might be risky, being right in the middle of the building surrounded by offices, but the lock will ensure your privacy as you start your venture into the milky way galaxy.
Tennis locker room in SPAC
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean until end of the day when everyone has used it
Accessibility: SPAC hours
Closest C-store for condoms: Lisa’s Cafe
Risk Factor: High
The locker room has great amenities, including multiple stalls, two showers and a wooden bench — all things that will help you get an even better workout. But even with all these special features, the bathroom itself lacks a lock and people are most likely going to come through to use the facilities.
Fisk basement
Lock: On stalls
Light Switch: Yes
Cleanliness: Clean but slightly musty smelling due to underground location
Accessibility: 24/7
Closest C-store for condoms: Hinman
Risk Factor: Low
The location and shape of this bathroom are optimal for privacy. In the depths of Fisk, foot traffic is low due to the somewhat sketchy lighting and foreboding ambiance. Furthermore, the bathroom is somewhat “U” shaped, with three legs. Take your partner to the back leg, and if you hear anyone coming in you’ll have enough time to pull yourselves apart and resume a calm disposition. Plus, it has a history.
Porta-Potty outside of Sorority Quad
Lock: Yes
Light Switch: No
Cleanliness: N/A
Accessibility: Only if nobody’s already in it
Closest C-store for condoms: Fran’s Cafe
Risk Factor: High
Some people are dirty, some people like it dirty and some people wouldn’t mind doing it in a dirty porta-potty. It may not seem like the best idea at first, but the idea of doing it in such a cramped place with blue-toned light peeking through the top would surely get some people’s libidos going. The lock is useful to keep uninvited visitors out, but most importantly, you’ll be able to tell this story for the rest of your life — once you’ve gotten over the fact that you hooked up in a porta-potty. Just one tip: Avoid being too rowdy so you don’t end up knocking the blue cube over onto its side. You don’t want to pull a watered-down poo cocktail supreme.