When we left off two weeks ago, Lily went into labor while Barney and Marshall were drunk in Atlantic City (Lily needed a break from Marshall’s pre-parental stress, while Barney ran away because Quinn refused to quit stripping). Also, Ted and Robin were reaching some supposed important stage in their relationship in which they re-solidified their friendship—for the <em>upteenth time</em>—but it was significant because it brought them together to help Lily. Or something. Anyway.
Marshall and Barney, far too intoxicated to drive, try to catch a cab back to New York, but due to some unnamed “big thing” in town that Future Saget Ted can’t remember (possibilities range from porn convention to comic convention), none are free and they’re effectively stranded. Thus, Ted and Robin are left to talk Lily through her contractions until they’re close enough for her to be admitted to the hospital. They distract her by a) treating her like a farm animal (apparently Robin has some experience with delivering baby foals) and b) telling stories about the group, including but not limited to:
1. The Time Robin Got To Second Base with Neil Young (spoiler alert: not Neil Young) (spoiler alert: nobody over the age of 14 uses baseball metaphors for sex acts)
2. The Time They All Agreed To Dress Up As the Breakfast Club Characters for Halloween but Failed to Coordinate (result: five Benders /my personal heaven).
In the meantime, Barney swears to get Marshall back home. After failing to win a motorcycle, stealing said motorcycle, being detained for stealing said motorcycle and talking his way out of stealing said motorcycle, Barney finally succeeds in finding a way back to New York on a bus full of seniors (citizens, not college fourth years, much to Barney’s dismay) bound for Buffalo—but when Marshall pleads with the driver to take them to Manhattan, he refuses to stop unless it’s an emergency. At this, every elderly man and woman aboard stands up and (touchingly) claims to have a heart attack, forcing him to make a detour to St. Marcus Hospital.
Thanks to a labor announcement email sent by Ted (featuring all three members of Team Baby), Lily’s dad rushes to her side, telling her that she’s brave and can deliver the baby with or without Marshall—not that it matters, because he shows up just in time. As prize for getting them out of Atlantic City, Marshall keeps his promise to let Barney pick their son’s middle name, and the five of them welcome Marvin (after Marshall’s dad) Wait For It Ericksen.
But wait! There’s more!
In the second half of the hour-long season finale, now that the baby drama has passed, Ted partakes in his favorite pastime: questioning why he’s baby-less and alone. Robin gives an easy explanation: he’s only been with emotionally unavailable or unstable people (read: Robin, Stella, Zoey), and he’s afraid to let himself be happy. Actually, the only woman he had a chance at a future with was Victoria—and even though she was engaged the last time they spoke, he should give her a call. So (in a stunningly stupid and frustrating plot move) he does, and when she shows up to meet him in MacLaren’s, she’s in a wedding dress. Apparently, even though she’s marrying Klaus in a matter of hours, uncertainty concerning Ted has been standing in the way of her marital bliss. So Ted does what only Ted can do: drives past the scheduled service and off into the sunset with Victoria, COMPLETELY ignoring how wrecked he was when he himself was left at the altar (with which he was uncomfortable for all of thirty seconds).
Now, Barney is nervous about what Quinn will do when he comes home—or whether she’ll be there at all. But aside from redecorating his apartment to look like “the inside of Tinker Bell’s vagina” as opposed to American Psycho, she’s still home, and loves him as much as ever. So the two go on their scheduled trip to Hawai’i, only to get stopped by security when Barney refuses to break the magician’s code and reveal the contents of a box. So in the TSA offices, he performs the trick (I’m sorry, did you mean “illusion?”), which ends up being an elaborate marriage proposal, which Quinn happily accepts. Thus, we are all surprised when, after fast-forwarding to Barney’s wedding, Ted comes in to talk to the bride, who turns around and turns out to be Robin.
(I may or may not have screamed out loud, and for that, I apologize to the engineering student doing his homework in the Allison second floor lounge.)
Now that season seven has drawn to a close, we know the following:
-At some point, Barney breaks up with Quinn and gets back with Robin (cue cheers from everyone except for the MYSTERY DUDE WHO STILL HAS YET TO BE REVEALED/ACKNOWLEDGED).
-Ted is once again pursuing a relationship with someone whom we already know is not the mother.
-That’s it.
HIMYM has been renewed for an eighth season for a year now—and at this point, one can only hope that the show stops while it’s ahead, rather than suffering the slow, painful death of programming that stays on-air far past its expiration date (sorry, The Office). Victoria can’t be The Mother, as it’s been stated in seasons past that she’s a student at Columbia with a penchant for yellow umbrellas. So, the ultimate verdict? We’re not closer to the end at all. But it’s getting a little clearer, if by nothing else than process of elimination. Besides, Ted stopped being the main focus of HIMYM years ago, and the Barney/Robin storylines, coupled with Lily and Marshall’s endearing coupledom, is enough to keep us watching – at least until next season’s premiere.
Highlights
Again: Five Benders.
Ted (jokingly) telling an aghast Robin that he’s in love with her when they’re about to agree to be friends again.
Barney: Instead of St. Marcus Hospital, we’re going to Buffalo—and I’ve seen the women from there; it’s aptly named.
A flashback to college-aged Lily, who sneaks a six pack of beer out under her shirt from a liquor store while pretending to be pregnant, jumps into a moving Delorean with Ted and Marshall, and escapes to the refrain of The Proclaimers’ 500 Miles.
Baby Marvin’s first outing – to none other than MacLaren’s.