Relationships, chaotic as they may be, are nothing compared to the train wreck that is Barney’s post-Quinn Bangtoberfest: a new Stinson Holiday of Obligation in the tradition of Desperation Day and Slapsgiving. In classic post-breakup fashion, Barney dusts off his playbook, steams his costumes and throws himself back into the hook-up scene – but all of his old schemes and plots feel stale, and he decides he needs to invent new ploys to trick more chicks. (Sidebar: Do you agree with the suggestion that Tyrion Lannister is the Westerosi equivalent of Barney Stinson? I bet NPH and Peter Dinklage are the best of bros, despite one having an Outstanding Supporting Actor Emmy and one being nominated four years in a row without winning one. Anyway.)
Lily’s dad Mickey unexpectedly arrives on her and Marshall’s doorstep after his bulk-bought Mexican fireworks literally burn the house down, causing added stress during their ongoing hunt for a nanny. Ted and Robin both offer to babysit with their respective significant others, igniting a competition between the exes to see who’s happiest in their relationship. The claims escalate – Victoria keeps tampons in Ted’s apartment! Robin meets Nick’s parents, who invite her to Hawai’i for New Year’s! – but after Nick gets emotional during a football game, Robin admits he’s a bit sensitive for her, while Ted divulges that Victoria is way too messy.
The Ericksens find the perfect elderly British woman to watch Marvin – but when Mrs. Buckminster’s rates are out of their budget, they have to keep holding interviews. Mickey hints he can take care of the baby, but Lily remembers his absence during her childhood and declines. They finally meet an affordable, friendly twenty-something from Marshall’s hometown in Minnesota – but her services are rescinded after Barney sleeps with her as part of his awful (albeit innovative!) single-dad, nanny-baiting scheme. To apologize, he pays for Mrs. Buckminster’s salary just in time for Lily to leave for her first day back at work – but she’s struck with separation anxiety and refuses to let go of Marvin…ever. She passes out in the nursery, still clutching the baby – until Marshall wakes her up at the end of the day and they realize Marvin is gone. Then Mickey comes walking through the door with the baby, whom he’d fed and played with and watched all day. He again apologizes for being a bad father to Lily, but promises her he’ll be the best grandfather if they give him a chance. Which they do. And with a heartstrings-tugging montage of snapshots from Baby Marvin’s eventual childhood that (spoiler: he becomes the most sickeningly adorable curly-haired kindergartener since Shirley Temple) the 30-minute childcare hunt is over.
Barney shows up looking like he’s gone through a garbage disposal, and explains that he was jumped by all the nannies he scammed (“I woke up in a dumpster covered in diapers, and I found a pacifier somewhere I’m not willing to discuss”) and is now possibly willing to admit that he’s maybe not dealing with his defunct engagement in the healthiest way. Ted and Robin are reminded of how ridiculous the single lifestyle can be, and toast to making their relationships work – both of which will end within the month, Future Ted announces. During the credits, Barney is seen at MacLaren’s getting his money’s worth of hired help by having Mrs. Buckminster babysit him to keep him from making such bad choices. Then (in what I can only assume was a misguided attempt by the writers to get me to stop tearing over Marvin’s future baby book) they have sex.
As good as it was that the show didn’t take a sudden dramatic turn down the path of kidnapping, it’s disappointing that Mrs. Buckminster likely won’t be a recurring character – I’d have loved to see where she placed on the nanny scale (which ranges from Mary Poppins to Mrs. Doubtfire to Mrs. Featherbottom). And it’s actually kind of a shame to know that Ted and Victoria’s expiration date is looming so closely overhead (I have never identified with V more than when she kicked off her shoe out a window in Ted’s apartment). But to everything there is a season, and October 2012: The Autumn of Breakups is preordained to get depressing. Stay tuned for sadder shows later this month!
Quotes
Barney: Bangtoberfest: This time, it’s really not personal.
Robin: Barney, you just went through some really big emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
Barney: Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening.
Robin: Have you met Victoria’s parents, Ted?
Ted: As a matter of fact, I haven’t. Because they’re dead.
Robin: Are they, Ted? Are they really dead?
Ted: …No.
Barney, explaining the absence of the fake mother of his nonexistent child to a nanny: And in the end, the coroner’s report confirmed what I already feared: The female body cannot withstand that many consecutive orgasms. I blame myself.