You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away...
For those who didn’t spend last year’s Monday nights parked in dorm lounges in front of a communal television: at seven’s finale’s finale (ha), Ted was driving into the sunset with an altar-fleeing Victoria, Lily and Marshall had their baby (Marvin Wait-for-It Ericksen) and it was revealed that although Barney had just proposed to Quinn, his future bride was Robin.
In a flashforward, Ted is waiting at the Farhampton train station in the rain, recounting the Scherbatsky/Stinson wedding to a poor, unsuspecting old woman in the place of the currently nonexistent Moseby children. The episode picks up where last season’s closer left off: Ted meeting Robin before her vows, and in the past, with Barney and Quinn’s engagement announcement at the Ericksen apartment. In the future, both Robin and Barney are having doubts, with him trying to sneak out a window and her claiming she can’t go through with it due to a personal crisis. Back in May of 2012, Lily and Marshall are denying exhaustion from their new parenthood, and Robin’s denying feeling weird because of Barney’s engagement – until Quinn asks her (and Lily)(and not, to his dismay, Marshall) to be a bridesmaid – at which point, yeah, things are officially strange.
Barney confesses that Quinn doesn’t know about his history with Robin, and he destroyed all evidence of their dating to keep it that way - including Photoshopping a tiger over Robin in their couple pictures. Fatigued Lily (who can’t keep secrets on a good day) and Marshall, however, accidentally discuss it in front of Quinn, who then demands a timed explanation from Barney (see his 52-second-How-I-Met-Your-Mother-summary below), but tries to leave anyway. Robin asserts she has a boyfriend and isn’t interested in Barney anymore because she’s happy with Nick. We then discover Nick is the crush she developed when out buying red cowboy boots with then-boyfriend Ted and saw again when Ted got jealous and pretended to propose – thus laying the groundwork for how-they-met subplot exposition in future episodes!
Ted and Victoria quibble over whether she ought to leave her ditched fiancé Claus a note explaining her feelings. After refusing her break-up via text option, a guilty Ted essentially dictates the message as Victoria transcribes, comforting him by insisting he isn’t stealing her because she’s choosing him (if that sounds familiar, it’s because that’s the same way Zoey justified leaving her husband for Ted just a season ago. Victoria, who can’t face the church again after climbing out that window (the same window where future Robin is debating ditching her groom), has Ted deliver the note, where after repeated instances of breaking and entering, he runs into Claus, who’s running away from the wedding as well. Ted takes back the letter so Victoria is blameless for the break-up.
Though glad Barney and Quinn have patched things up, Robin admits it hurt to see him throw away all proof of their relationship, at which Barney gives her a key and an address. Ted meets Claus once again at the train station and asks him why he’s leaving, which (after a medley of long phrases in German) is that Victoria is almost what he wants, but not quite right. Habitual equivocator Ted then questions whether Victoria is really The One (spoiler alert: she isn’t); Marshall and Lily reflect on how complete their family is now; Robin goes to a storage facility, finding Barney’s box full of everything he kept from when they dated; Barney, in a cab with Quinn, gazes longfully out the window, and everyone becomes introspective with some melancholy Band of Horses background music. A little ways down the road, where Ted waits after whatever events transpire at Barney and Robin’s wedding, we see heels walking out to the Farhampton station, shielded from the rain by the Mother’s yellow umbrella.
That umbrella is the only hopeful aspect of a pretty bleak scene (the place Ted doubted Victoria, the rain, his less-than-glowing review of the nuptials, the song is titled “The Funeral,” for fuck’s sake), which leads one to believe that Barney and Robin’s union did not go as planned - not to mention, of course, the serendipitous reappearance of Robin’s mystery man. On this show, that could mean anything from the typical cold feet to Robin and Ted getting back together. Again. As always, I’m rooting for R&B (the only couple whose high-fiving rivals that of resident romantic institution Lily and Marshall, and we all know that’s love, bitch, but considering the creative team of Bays & Thomas still hasn’t decided whether this will be HIMYM’s final season, they could deign to make audiences wait a bit longer for the emotional money shot. If The Office has proved anything, though, nine seasons may be too many in the world of comedic television. And if we’re being honest, while the show is still a sappily enjoyable rom-com at its heart, Carter and Craig are losing their touch (they couldn’t have someone fact check Barney’s speed synopsis and replace “Brazil” with “Argentina?” In the wake of Paul Ryan’s RNC speech, that’s just plain irresponsible, guys). At this point, they might be better suited saving the sob stories for their songwriting.
Quotes
Quinn, on bridesmaids: I don’t have a lot of girlfriends. I have work friends, but I work at a strip club and I know they’ll complain about any dress that has a front.
Barney, to Quinn: Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room, and I said, “Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty,” but Ted really liked her so we played “Have you met Ted?” They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn’t—lame— so he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place, should’ve kissed her, didn’t— lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends— lame— then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn’t go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn’t kiss her either— lame— not a great closer, Ted— but he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a Latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning that as much as possible, I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up...Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you and you took my grandpa’s watch but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes and we came over here to meet little Marvin and that’s everything! Also I went on the Price Is Right and won a dune buggy.