This has nothing to do with actual ASB, Alternate Spring Break, so I apologize if you were looking here for volunteerism and philanthropy. Instead, I write to you today regarding one of my favorite pastimes, other than drinking heavily on the weekends: Drinking heavily someplace that you technically are not supposed to be drinking at.
The thing about drinking is that it’s almost always fun, unless you are in one of those weird hostage situations where they force you to drink poison. No no, little ones, I speak of sitting back and popping a few beers with friends, or going to a party and popping a few beers with strangers. It’s social, it’s delightful, it’s an all-around good time. But, as the years keep moving forward and I look back at all of the weekends I’ve spent on Ridge and Davis, I can’t help but wonder if going to the same party every weekend really is the most fun I can be having with my college experience.
It isn’t.
That’s why I am such a big fan of alternate forms of drinking. Whether it be the actual intake that’s a little different or the time or the place, doing something different really spices up any relationship — especially my ongoing love affair with a man named Carlo Rossi. Here, I offer you my greatest three suggestions for changing it up a little bit. There’s nothing wrong with a routine, but sometimes you’ve got to at least change the outfit that you’re wearing while practicing said routine.
- Change up the intake. Perhaps you read the article I wrote about cheap drinks that get the job done and thought “Wow. This girl really does drink the most basic drinks she can possibly come across.” You’d be right in thinking that. However, I’d like to conte that sometimes we like to get a little crazy and shake things up a bit. There are several easy ways to do it/ I’ve had middling success with all of these methods, so maybe you can try them out, improve on them, and let me know.
- Change up your location. The best location I can offer you is the Wilmette Bowling Center. It’s cheap to get to in a cab. Unlike Skokie Lanes, which has a bar, the Wilmette Bowling Center has a BYOB policy. Not only did they not over-charge us for our alcohol, but they brought us extra cups and a pizza. We had a field day, drinking whiskey, eating sushi (optional) and playing some flip cup while the thirteen-year-olds around us laser-bowled until their adorable little fingers bled. Also, the bowling is cheap and becomes hilarious when you’re a little too drunk to bowl well. This is why they have bumpers available in each lane: When all you can roll is gutter balls, put up the bumpers and pretend that you’re still a great bowler. Remember, I do not condone drunk driving nor do I condone heavy drinking that may result in the Wilmette Bowling Center getting into trouble, but if you can do so safely, definitely get yourself over to the lanes.
- Change the time of day. This seems simple, but too often we stigmatize people who drink at odd hours or on odd days. As long as you are not letting alcohol interfere with your school work or your general happiness, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting loose. Dillo Day is not the only day on which it is acceptable to drink in the afternoon. Don’t have class on a Tuesday? Get some buds together for a noon happy hour. You may find that drinking while the sun is still up is easier. When it’s not dark, you have less of a chance to run into stuff and bruising. Have some shots before sitting down to watch “Tyra”. Play a game of beer pong with your Sunday-morning omelette. Although the odds of your parents calling while you are drunk increase exponentially, there’s something sweetly forbidden about drinking at an odd time, even for those who are 21 and feel like their lives have been missing something ever since they could no longer illegally drink. But remember to refrain from making drunk dials or attempting to woo lovers if you’re inebriated on a Wednesday afternoon. It won’t turn out as funny as it seemed at the time.
a. First of all, there are “beer cubes.” Take a bunch of trays of ice and fill them up with beer instead of water. They take a lot longer to freeze (or come close to freezing, since I think alcohol may not technically freeze in a standard refrigerator) but the results are pretty fun. You can always sit around and just eat the cubes, but they don’t exactly taste great and it would take a long time to do so. Instead, freeze a bunch of beer cubes and then add them into some liquid beer. This way, you can cool down even the warmest of beers without worrying about ice cubes watering it down.
b.Then, of course: the Everclear watermelon. There are many different strategies floating around the internet about how to make one of these, but the last time I saw this done, it consisted of the following: Buy a watermelon, cut a hole in the watermelon, put your dick in the watermelon. Ha! Gotcha. Actually, pour however much Everclear that you want into the hole and then let that bitch sit overnight in your fridge. The next day, the Everclear should be fully absorbed into the fruit, giving you another solid choice for eating your alcohol. Chewing is more fun than drinking anyway. Again, I’m not sure that this tastes particularly good, so do some research and figure out how to make it more delicious before you try it.
c. My last suggestion is mostly hearsay. I’m don’t know much about science, but if you can get your hands on a hookah, you can test this out. One time last year, we filled the bottom of a hookah up with vodka and then smoked the hookah as usual. The theory was that the alcohol fumes would get us drunk. I can’t remember if we actually got drunk or not (which seems to be an indication that somehow, we did get drunk that day) but it seems like a pretty fair assumption. Maybe use some Everclear to get the most out of your fumes. Even if it doesn’t work, you still get to smoke some delicious hookah and then you can just do some shots later.
So change up your life a little bit. Last week, I said “stay sober!” This week, I tell you to do the opposite. I’m sending conflicting messages, to be sure. But I like my messages like I like my drinks: mixed, and with enough alcohol to give me a buzz that will last until I wake up the next morning. Or something.