While I don’t think I can legally condone underage drinking, one of the obvious benefits of it is the fact that we can’t go to bars, thus saving us tons of money in the way of drinking tabs. Why spend $15 on three drinks at a bar when you can get an older friend buy you a whole case of beer for the same price? Drinking is an expensive endeavor, but if you’re smart about it, you can do it cheaply and deliciously. Here are some of my favorite drinks for those who get deeply drunk on a shallow bank.
• Diet Coke and Vodka — aka, The Sorority Girl Special.
o Really, you can mix vodka with anything — any soda or juice will work. Mix to taste. Get a $25 handle of Smirnoff and it should last you all weekend. I subscribe to the school of measuring alcohol in seconds rather than in shots: I assume it’s about two to three shots, but I pour for eight seconds of vodka, mix in a can of Diet Coke, and enjoy. Too strong, but you’ve run out of soda? Add a packet of Splenda. It is a godsend for days when you need to get drunk very quickly.
o Pro: cheap, easy, and minimal hangover.
o Con: Can be hard to judge when you’ve had too much, as it’s kind of a delayed-reaction drink.
• Leinenkugel Berry Weiss Beer
o A beer for people who don’t like the taste of beer. Six bucks buys you a six pack and it really is delicious and exactly what it sounds like: beer that tastes like berries. Honey Weiss is also pretty delicious, but I’m partial to almost anything that tastes like berries.
o Pro: Comes in bottles, so you look like a class act.
o Con: Not very good warm and drinking berry beer can get tedious.
• Andre Champagne
o There’s nothing I like better than Andre nights. Most of the time, Jewel Osco has a three-bottles-for-$10 deal going on, which will get you plastered. If you want to have a classy/trashy night, have everyone buy two bottles of Andre, get a little dressed up, and imagine what prom night must have been like for most members of AA. Plus, the flavored Andre is arguably even better than regular Andre. May I suggest the strawberry?
o Pro: Fast reaction time.
o Con: Killer hangover. Champagne puke is painful.
• Franzia Boxed Wine
o Franzia is the Carlo Rossi for wine-drinkers on the go. For about $12, you get an endlessly versatile box of wine, which is roughly three or four bottles. Take the wine out of the box and you have what we like to call a “Space Bag” — a futuristic and a savvy looking accessory. The box fits easily into the fridge vertically or horizontally. It may not be the best wine, but you can’t beat the price. I enjoy Sunset Blush myself. One box should serve two to three people if that is the only type of drink you’ll be imbibing for the evening. Also handy for playing Boxed Wine Pong: It’s beer pong for the sex-on-a-bear-skin-rug crowd.
o Pro: Convenience and deliciousness at the opening of a box.
o Con: Also comes with a killer hangover.
• Jungle juice
o Everclear seems expensive, but since it has twice as much alcohol content and less than twice the price of a handle of vodka, spending $35 on a handle is defendable. Buy some $2 containers of Jewel-brand powdered fruit punch and turn to Nature’s drink resource: water. Half a handle of Everclear and about one and a half powder containers will make you a big cooler of the j juice for parties. My favorite thing to do is make your own personal jug of jungle juice for days when you don’t want to leave the house but miss the camaraderie of your local frat party. For the faint of heart, vodka can also be used with powdered fruit punch, which is really more of a Forest Juice than a Jungle Juice. Either way, a few cups will set you well on your way.
o Pro: tastes delightful, feels like you’re not even drinking
o Con: instantly stained-red mouth, instantly stained-red anything that comes in contact with the juice, feeling like you’re not even drinking can have catastrophic results in the stopping department.
These will all seem like a given for you experienced drinkers, but consider it a guide for the more fledgling among us. Also, take these deliciously cheap drinks and integrate them into your other drinking activities: You can easily play Andre pong or mixed-drink flip cup. Get food dye and have a color-themed night. Make beer cubes (fill ice trays up with beer instead of water). Consider this a jumping off point; only your imagination will take you where you want to be.