Like a well-intended teen comedy, college parties are almost always the same drama with the same characters in a new, yet familiar, location. While it can be tedious, if you begin to identify the archetypes, you too can have some ‘meta fun’ (otherwise known as commenting on the party while you’re at the party). Here are a few, sure-fire party characters that you’ll find around campus.
1. The Creepy Older Guy
Entertainment Factor: Medium. Very low if you are a girl with big eyes/boobs.
Description: The COG is the Trip McNeely, the Wooderson of the party scene. No one knows how he got there, who he knows there or whether he was even an alum; but sure enough, he’s there. You hardly ever see a Creepy Older Girl, and for good reason — girls know not to chase younger ass. Even though the word “creepy” is built into his name, the COG is still good for a laugh now and then. Making him feel as old as possible is the only real way to get him to vacate the premises. That, or forcing one of your friends to take one for the team and sleep with him.
Hookup Probability: Technically high, but seriously, don’t do it. Sleeping with the COG is almost as bad as sleeping with a prospie. Almost.
2. The Loud Girl with Questionable Self-Esteem
Entertainment Factor: High.
Description: This girl is wasted, guaranteed. She’s probably drinking away some feelings, and is always six decibels louder than everyone else at even the loudest of parties, and has literally no idea. She wants you to think that she can drink you under the table, but during those all-too-frequent trips to the bathroom, she’s pouring half of her drink down the sink so she can continue to flirt with the guy by the keg. She listens to Kelly Clarkson, natch. Some may find her annoying, but she’s always good for a laugh because she’ll probably fall at least once.
Hookup Probability: Very high. Because of that questionable self-esteem, you can probably take her home. Where you’ll listen to more Kelly Clarkson, natch.
3. The Beer Pong Enthusiast
Entertainment Factor: Low. High if you, too, are a Beer Pong Enthusiast.
Description: He means business. If there’s no beer pong, he’ll set it up. Some people carry a pack of cigarettes; he carries a pack of ping pong balls. No table? No problem. He’ll probably just practice against a wall or, better yet, work on his accuracy by sinking into cups of whatever people are drinking. Let’s be honest, he’s probably in a frat or wishes he were, but didn’t have his “game on” during rush. The BPE can often be spotted — no joke — praying over his ping pong ball before the last cup.
Hookup Probability: Low. He can’t be disturbed, and if he loses the game, he’ll probably be too depressed to go home with you anyway. Although, you might have better chances if you shave your pubic hair into a cup triangle. He might be down with that.
4. The Fighting Couple
Entertainment Factor: Medium.
Description: They’re your on-again-off-again friends, but the on and off changes every hour or so when they’re drinking. Sometimes, they’re fun to watch, but if you make eye contact with either one by accident — even for a second — you’ll probably get dragged straight into that drama. They’re best left to their own devices: Screaming at each other in the alley, or making up with a little make-out sesh in the corner of the dance floor. Tears abound.
Hookup Probability: High. If you pounce during an “off” phase, you’re the perfect warm body to dry his/her tears and kiss away his/her pain. Ain’t nothing wrong with being the innocent half of revenge sex. Try not to ever run into the other half of the couple though, because they won’t be as kind to you. Also, get ready to hear a lot about the other half before, during and after your hookup.
5. The Uncontrollable Bodily Function
Entertainment Factor: High. Extremely low if you are hosting the party.
Description: The UBF is not for the weak of heart or the strong of mind. This is low-brow comedy at its best. This lad or lady is that barely-standing reveler with slurred speech and spastic movement — you can even make a quick buck guessing just when they’re going to pass out. Unfortunately, the UBF comes with a high price to the hosts of the shindig, as both pee and vomit smell for days and leave a weird sort of stain that has to get explained away with an “Oh, that stain you’re sitting on? Actually, it’s kind of a funny story…” As always, make sure this kid has a walking partner to get home. The bushes start to look awfully comfortable when you’re three steps from puking your lungs out.
Hookup Probability: Don’t even bother. Even after they’ve made it through the darkest of their times, they’ll probably still smell bad and have a little crust on their person.