One day last year, I walked into a friend’s room at about 9:30 p.m. and found him hunched over his desk, frantically downing a beer in mad, rushing gulps. A host of green bottles lined the surface around his computer. I paused in the doorway and watched his sheer determination as he breathed heavily between chugging.
I asked him what he was doing. “I’m hanging out with this girl in a little bit,” he said frantically, heading to the fridge to grab another beer. “She’s already drunk and I need to make out with her.” Soon he headed off, face flushed and belly full of Heineken, and he did, of course, make out with the girl.
It’s not difficult to conclude that quite a few of the intimate social interactions at this school are aided by alcohol. For some of the four out of five college students who drink, alcohol acts as a relaxant, reducing inhibitions and making them act more “informally.” One study found that drinking to relieve social discomfort is a common practice.
To anyone who drinks, this is preaching to the choir. Getting drunk with that guy or girl you’re interested in can definitely help ease you into something more than casual. It also makes for easy excuses, like “Lucas, I’m sorry—I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. Stop calling me.” But what happens when the guy or girl you have an eye on turns out to be — oh no, oh god — a non-drinker? You’re screwed, aren’t you? Do you know how stupid a drunk person looks to a sober person, especially when said drunk person is hitting on said sober person? Let’s imagine a scene for a moment between inebriated me and sober girl:
“Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy theeeeeerrrrre, guuurrrrlllllll.”
“Hi, Lucas.”
“And how might you be doing on this wonderful, wonderful evening of evenings this evening?”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Oh wow, now that is great. Just great. Let me tell you how great that is. This (stretches arms out as wide as possible) great.”
“That’s a lot of great.”
“Sure is. Do you like candy? I love candy. Yum. Do you like candy? Want to hook up?”
“No.”
“You don’t like candy? That’s weeeeeirddddd.”
“I love candy.”
“Ha, LAUGH OUT LOUDZ, then why did you say you didn’t like candy?”
“I didn’t. I said no to hooking up with you.”
“And why in the world would you ev-(hiccups)-er say something like that?”
Failure seems imminent. If a person doesn’t drink and you do, it can feel like you’re being forced to revert back to lame high school dating tactics. But truly, you don’t need to be drunk to hook up. Try good, old-fashioned dating tactics (which means don’t do what I have done). As weird as it sounds, one surprisingly effective way to do this is to call your parents for advice. Binge drinking among college students continues to increase — it’s likely your parents weren’t getting wasted all the time when they met, so hopefully their minds will be ripe with suggestions. My parents went to the movies on their first date. (My dad proceeded to tell my mother at the box office: “I’ll pay this time, you pay the next time.” I wonder where I received my poor dating habits.)
Though movies are fine, I would recommend something that I don’t do, but probably should: going out for coffee. Although talking tends to be discouraged at movies, coffeehouses are usually great social atmospheres just begging for cutesy, first-sort-of-date conversations (and in case you didn’t know, you hermit, these places have all sorts of other drinks if coffee isn’t your thing).
Alcohol has always been fuel for sex, dating back to the days of Dionysus. But it doesn’t have to be. Although college is probably the place where it’s most socially acceptable to use drinking to ease social anxiety and encourage hook-ups, it isn’t the only way. If intensely pounding beers alone in your room is the first thing you think of when you want to chill out and have a good time with someone, you might consider reevaluating your reasons for doing so. Don’t get so dependent on alcohol that you grow up to be that coworker who’s always sloshed at the holiday party.