Some people say I suck at dating. While my mom may disagree (thanks Mom), those ’some people’ are probably right. Actually, it’s more than probably: I do suck. I don’t know what it is exactly that pegs me as someone who cannot date, but I do know that I do an extraordinarily poor job at the whole thing. It’s all sort of difficult to explain, but I think you’ll understand soon enough because for some reason, I, Lucas (hey, what’s up), will now be NBN’s newest dating columnist. But this won’t just be any dating column. No sir, no ma’am.
Relying on the mantra that we do, in fact, learn from our mistakes, this column will involve my answering your relationship questions in the only ways I know: by telling you what I would do in your situation, what I have done in your situation or by making up something awesome. Just don’t do what I would do. Or did. No seriously, don’t. If you don’t do what I would do, your chances of success will increase by, I’d say, at least 130 percent — and that’s a pretty good number.
For a moment now, I will let you into my dating life by giving you a symbolic scene that… may or may not have actually happened, but is symbolic nonetheless. Here we go:
Two people, a girl and a guy, have come together to the Century movie theater. They slowly make their way through the ticket line, kind of just nodding to each other as they wait to get to the cashier.
“This movie’s going to be pretty great, I know it. The trailer: so good,” the guy says.
“I haven’t seen it.”
“You should, it’s a pretty good trailer.”
“I think after I see the movie, there won’t really be much need to see the trailer.”
“Ah, good point, good point.”
Eventually, they make it up to the front. The guy goes first while the girl waits behind. He walks up to the box office and stops for a second, thinking, Should I buy her a ticket? I might look pretty nice if I bought her a ticket. I did ask her to come here with me, and I think I made it rather obvious that I wanted just her to come. And she came alone. Didn’t even ask if a friend could come or anything. I think I’ll buy her a ticket.
“Two for Balls of Fury, please.”
“Sure, that’ll be $800.”
The guy takes the tickets and starts to walk away from the box office, putting his change away. Turning around, he sees the girl at the box office, buying her own ticket. Crap.
“Wait, don’t buy a ticket,” he says.
The girl looks confused. “Why not?” They look at each other for a moment.
“Because.”
“Because…”
“Uh…um…because…I sort of…bought you a ticket.” The cashier guy is now looking at both of them. So is everyone in line.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because…uh…I dunno. I just thought…”
“I think I’m going to buy my own.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea too.”
See what I mean? Send me your questions at l-koppel@northwestern.edu.