There’s a scene in “Carousel” — you know, that thing they did for Dolphin Show — where all the characters and insignificant dancer people on stage burst out in a song about erotic liberation coinciding with the turn of the seasons. It’s called “June is Bustin’ Out All Over” and pretty much consists of guys and gals belting out how great it is that warmth has finally arrived and that the feeling is just so intense. It even includes the line, “The saplin’s are bustin’ out with sap!” Ew.
Anyway, all over the stage people are going crazy, rubbing all up on each other, spinning each other around — you get the idea. We all get the idea. When it gets warm, people get horny. It’s scientific, or something. No, really. All that sunlight that comes with spring actually jump starts a gene called POMC, which adjusts some bodily chemicals and increases the amount of certain hormones in the brain: MSH and beta endorphin, for you science majors. Lucky for us humans, when introduced to the brain, these wonderful chemicals spark euphoria and sexual arousal. Ohhh yeahhh.
Want to see this in practice? Take sorority girls, for instance. Don’t think that when you lay out on your front lawns in your tiny bikinis, girls, that people think you’re only just sunbathing. There’s a freaking beach two minutes away with sand, water and a much lower probability that you’ll get a funny tanline from the shadow of a tree. We know you’re up to something. (Note: But there’s really no need to stop, okay? Please?)
As soon as it stops raining and being cloudy, I’m sure all sorts of stuff is going to start “bustin’ out.” Think about it for a second. More people are going outside now, especially in the first month of this whole sunshine thing, and they are actually happy to be there. Somewhere in an alternate dimension where everything happening on earth is shown in graph form, a line is shooting up exponentially on the chart that reads, “Chances of Meeting Someone Cool and Going on a Date/Scoring with Them in the Future.”
Even Table for One is getting optimistic — something you probably never thought would happen after reading about awkward dates and terrible breakups. But spring does some crazy things. Compare the differences in these hypothetical dating scenarios:
My typical, non-spring date:
Two people, a guy and a girl, sit at a small table, probably candlelit, in some overly swanky restaurant. The girl has a does-this-guy-know-how-to-formulate-a-single-competent-phrase-in-his-mind kind of look on her face, while the guy occasionally opens his mouth, as if to speak, but then thinks the better of it.
Then, in one big gulp, the girl downs her glass of wine and grabs a passing waiter by the arm, the glass still touching her lips.
Girl: Can I get another glass, please?
Waiter: Uh, yes sure, sure. Just let go of me.
The waiter leaves.
Guy: Don’t you think six glasses of wine is plenty for one meal?
Girl: No. Don’t tell me what’s right and what’s wrong.
Guy: I was just trying…
Girl: Not needed.
Guy: Gotchya.
Some silence.
Guy: So, um, how was your day today?
Girl: Fine.
Guy: Great. Mine was pretty fine as well. We have something in common!
Girl: Not funny, try again.
Guy: I’m having a great time…
Girl: Now THAT is hilarious.
Ok, now just imagine this date happened in SPRING!
Same guy and girl sitting at a small table. Candlelit. The girl has her elbows on the table, leaning toward the guy on the other side, her face in her hands, her eyes transfixed dreamily on the guy.
Guy: How about this weather?
Girl: It’s amazing. I love it. I love it oh-so-much. You are so good-looking and smart.
Guy: Why thank you, miss. Ditto.
She giggles, giddily.
Girl: You’re funny, too. I think I’m going to pay for dinner and then take you back to my place, and, if it’s okay, serve you Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream while I watch you play Super Smash Brothers. Invite your friends.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Definitely. But then when you guys are done, I’ll kick everyone out and we can have some time alone. You can pick the music.
Guy: Is this some sort of crazy dream?
Girl: Nope, I’m just really horny because it’s spring.
So there you go. Get out there, people. The sun is shining, the weather is warmer and all that past winter crap is behind us. This whole arousal in spring thing is in our biology — why not just give in?