Back in the rootin’, tootin’ lawless early years of Facebook, tons of fictional characters maintained profiles on the social network site. I recall every character from Mean Girls being around, along with Doug and several Arrested Development characters. Eventually, Facebook got uptight and eliminated the majority of these not-really-student pages, and the only excitement most of us get comes with stuff such as Lauren Cohn.
But some non-real Northwestern accounts still exist. I don’t know how they get to exist while Stephen Colbert’s made-up page got axed, but they are still around. Here is a helpful guide to these ficticious Facebookers, just in case you ever feel the urge to beef up your friend total but don’t want to look creepy.
Joseph Medill — The original Medilldo, Joseph Medill’s Facebook page is loaded with nerdy journalism references that would make the most talkative tool blush. All his favorite movies and books relate somehow to the fourth estate, and the only groups he calls membership in relate to the kinda-top-notch journalism school his name is affixed to (though I don’t get why he’d lose his Gucci sunglasses in McTrib). Plus, only a real jerk would include something he said as a favorite quote.
Willie the Wildcat — Yeah, if you actually shell out the tuition to go here, you know who Willie the Wilcat is. But the feline’s Facebook page raises an intriguing question: is Willie a student? I’m not naive (I’m aware a student puts on a costume, as there are no records of a man-sized, upright standing cat existing), but clues abound hinting at the fact Willie is suppossed to actually exist amongst us, the poor college students he entertains. He claims he goes to class, but I’ve never seen him before (don’t like Medill, Willie?), and he’s in every group with NU slapped on it. Not to mention, his taste in music (Jack Johnson, Counting Crows), movies (Wedding Crashers for humor, Crash for idiotic social commentary) and TV shows (Family Guy, Grey’s Anatomy) imply he’s a part of NU’s Greek community. A grand mystery….
Pat Fitzgerald — Hypothetically, football coach Pat Fitzgerald could maintain a Facebook page. My mom has one, why not him? I just pray to the football gods he doesn’t, since he should be trying to turn the Wildcat football team into something not-so-mediocre. Wait….uh oh, this video says this might not be fiction….
Dear goodness, he really did go “from sideline to online!” I wouldn’t be so concerned if he didn’t commit the ultimate Facebook sin: Writing on your own wall. For shame Fitz, for shame.
NU Syllabus – Taking a page out of the NU Athletics marketing playbook (“If we go online, all those hip youngsters in Chicago will go from MySpace to our space! I win the Internet!”), Northwestern’s yearbook created a profile promoting itself. At least it isn’t an actual human being. The profile also avoids pretending it’s real in any capacity outside advertisement, filling in fields with reasons why you should buy a copy when it comes out this Monday. The groups NU Syallabus joined are also pretty ho-hum, except for “I Couldn’t Get Into Hogwarts…So I Came to Northwestern” which is just creepy and perplexing. Also: that may be the most boring profile picture a yearbook could select to represent itself.
One final question: if any of these folks appeared in your “Facebook five,” what does that say about you?