As I was making my usual blog rounds tonight, a video posted on my favorite Japanese blog (and it should be yours), Japan Probe, grabbed my attention. It’s a video of a bear swinging a baseball bat around.
My mind, perplexing as it always is, instantly thought, “I wonder what the cutest mascot in Major League Baseball is?” And, just like that, I became determined to figure out the answer. I’ve done the proper research (Google Image Search), and have compiled a list of the cutest costumed-people roaming America’s ballparks today. A few ground rules: seeing as this is Cute Animal Blog, all mascots up for consideration need to be animalia. That eliminates baseball-headed mascots, human mascots and anything that made me go what the fluff (see what I did there?). This tragically includes the best overall mascot in baseball, the Philly Fanatic, but rules have to be followed, regardless of how made-up they are. On to the list.
U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi…
Some mascots just don’t excel in the looks department. At all. And probably should be turned into stadium-grade hot dogs (especially true in Anaheim). The fugliest of the furries are: the Texas Rangers’ poorly dubbed Rangers Captain, who comes off as a Quick-Draw McGraw wannabe; Pittsburgh’s Pirate Parrot, too fat to be cute but not fat enough to be endearing; Kansas City Royals’ mascot Slugger, better known as “Bart Simpson merged with a cat”; the Arizona Diamondbacks’ Baxter the bobcat, who looks strangely like Wilfred Brimley; the Houston Astros’ Junction Jack, who looks slightly “special,” if you catch my drift; the Colorado Rockies’ Dinger, proving dinosaurs are never cute; and Stomper, since he represents Oakland and Oakland sucks (go Angels!). Now onto the contenders.
10. Billy the Marlin
Fish are usually never cute (note the absence of any sort of fish on this blog), but Billy the Marlin, the Florida Marlins mascot, transcends usual scaly ugliness to just make the cut on this list. His nose seems a little off-putting (and terrifying), but his flabby cheeks and open mouth make Billy a little more approachable. Loses big points for having hands despite being a fish.
9. Ace
The Toronto Blue Jays’ mascot has a very sleek color pattern (mostly because of the silver, a color that makes everything a little more futuristic), which covers up an otherwise so-so bird. Ace’s head looks way too plastic compared to his fuzzy body, but still a solid mascot. Kind of like the Blue Jays themselves…kind of good, but not good enough to finish in a memorable position.
8. The Bird
Another winged creature! The Bird, Baltimore’s finest gift to the world since Animal Collective and inspiration for The Wire, looks a little too humanish to finish higher, but the Halloween color scheme is one of the coolest in the league. Also, looks like he has googly eyes. Definite plus.
7. TC
Ahhhhh, a nice cuddly bear! But also really generic. Coming up with a mascot for the Minnesota Twins wasn’t an easy task, as evidenced by the fact the previous mascots were two fat dudes shaking hands. So even if TC isn’t the most interesting animal, he’s still adorable and fuzz-tastic. Points for apparently getting married on the field.
6. The Moose
Mooses are generally a little dopey-looking in nature, so the Seattle Mariner’s moose mascot carries a little bit of his species’s dumbness. But he’s also pretty cool, and very fuzzy. And he drives an ATV, and an animal operating a motor vehicle of any sort is instantly adorable. Especially if said animal is a moose on an ATV who almost mows down a Boston Red Sox player.
5. Fredbird
I imagine that, at first glance, you are wondering why that poor bird above is melting and if his death hurts much. Hate to break it to you, but Fredbird, the St. Louis Cardinals mascot, hasn’t had a vat of acid dumped on him, he just naturally looks that way. But therein lies the charm of Fredbird. He might be a little goopy, but he’s still cute, and most importantly he’s unique. No other MLB mascot looks like they were left in the microwave too long, and he should be celebrated for that.
4. Paws
Tigers rock! Even if they kind of look like Juggalos.
3. Screech
Two reasons why the Washington Nationals’ mascot is so great. One, Screech is really pudgy and cute, like Dom Deluise. Two, this bird has anime eyes. Super kawaii!
2. Rally Monkey
Look at the joy that little fellow brings the people. Yes, my Angel bias is showing. No, I don’t care, I love that monkey.
1. Lou Seal
Not only does Lou Seal come in two different colors, as evidenced above, but the San Francisco Giants’ mascot combines cute with cool. Just look at his “xtreme” sunglasses and “in-your-face” backwards hat. Yet, underneath all that hipness, Lou Seal is an adorable marine mammal with whiskers. Plus, the Giants need some good news nowadays.