Before I get into the meat of this thing, let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah Hayden, and I am a party enthusiast. I’m that girl who is out five days a week, the girl that pre-games classes (just once, I promise), the girl who doesn’t remember most of the weekends. And in no way is that sad.
For the first two years of college, I lived in the dorms and didn’t host any true parties in my own abode. Now that I’m living off campus and throwing my own parties, I’ve come to a realization: People suck, but drunk people suck the worst.
So, as an introduction to this column and as an introduction to my extensive knowledge of party technique, I’d like to provide everyone with some tips on identifying and avoiding the worst thing you can do: make a party foul.
1. Spilled Drinks. This is inevitable, but it still sucks. If you have a tendency to drop things or make messes, bring paper towels with you. If someone bumps into you and you spill your drink, clean it up immediately. I don’t care if you’re having a good time, the host doesn’t want to wake up to a rotted hardwood floor. And if you spill a drink on someone, apologize profusely. Don’t play the hero, don’t start a fight, just make it right. They will call the police, and your party will get broken up. Believe me.
2. Puke. Everyone pukes sometimes. But the fastest ticket to derailing your party train for life is puking at someone’s house. Do what you can to get outside or to a bathroom, for the love of all things party. I’d rather you puke into the flowers than puke on our beloved futon. If you do happen to puke, apologize. Pay for whatever you soiled to be cleaned. No matter how much everyone drank, they will never forget that you puked.
3. Arrivals and departures. Never go too early, never leave too late. Any party that “starts” at 10 p.m. starts at 11:30 p.m. If you know the people hosting the party, go early and drink all the alcohol before it runs out, but if you’re not familiar with the venue, don’t be the awkward kid who shows up early. Furthermore, if the host of the party is leaving or falling asleep, it’s time to peace out. I don’t care if you’re still drinking: It’s called a post-game at your own home. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
4. Theft. As a youngster, I too took stuff from parties. Some things made sense: beer, shot glasses. Some things were ridiculous: tweezers, toilet paper, a newspaper. Now that we host parties, I realize even ridiculous things getting taken is obnoxious. I apologize to anyone I’ve taken things from and I hope this warning can serve as my penance. If you really need a pair of tweezers, just ask for them. The hosts will probably be drunk enough to give them to you anyway.
5. Hooking up. In general, this is a party game, not a party foul. But making out (or worse/better) in front of everyone else is foul. It happens, I’ve been there, sometimes you can’t resist. But anything that’s longer than a minute should really be saved for a dark alley. As a corollary, also do not hook up in anyone’s bedroom. It’s gross. And don’t hook up in the bathroom. People have to pee and puke, since most party houses and apartments don’t have more than two bathrooms for everyone to use.
It seems like common sense, but sense is the first thing you lose when the alcohol sets in. Don’t be a dick and everything will turn out fine. Go forth, get drunk, and pass out. It’s only natural. Just don’t puke on me.