As the Bears and the Colts prepare to square off Sunday in Miami, I think it’s only appropriate to take a look at 10 moments from Super Sunday’s of yesteryear. First off, YouTube features hundreds of commercials, TV shows and clips of kittens in boxes , but no official clips from any Super Bowl, so, faithful reader, you will have to make due with pictures.
Also, I’m not hiding my biases for this one, so some very deserving entries didn’t make the cut, like John Elway’s helicopter-blade imitation from Super Bowl XXXII in 1998 because that play helped the Broncos beat my beloved Packers and made the 10 year-old version of me cry and want to torch my dad’s Bronco-backing friend’s truck. Oh, and not all the best moments happened on the gridiron. So, after years of watching NFL Films videos and reading Wikipedia entries, here are the Top 10 Super Bowl moments of all-time.
10. Super Bowl XVIII in 1984 – Marcus Allen Runs Like WHAT!?
Remember when Los Angeles had a football team? As a proud Southern Californian, I can vouch that the second largest market in the United States has very few famous football moments. There’s the USC Trojans (rooting for them is like wanting Scrooge McDuck to win Powerball), the Rams making the Big Game with the worst record ever back in 1979 and….uh. So, Trojan standout and Los Angeles Raider legend Marcus Allen’s jaw-dropping 74-yard run against the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl XVIII is L.A.’s most prominent pigskin moment, and a great way to kick off this list.
Allen obliterated the Redskin defense en route to the MVP award, racking up 191 yards and two touchdowns against the Washington defense. His second touchdown of the game is also the Super Bowl’s most famous run-from-scrimmage ever- Allen took the ball, ran left, but saw nothing but a wave of Washington players in front of him. He then cut back to the center, and broke off a then-Super Bowl record 74 yard run (the record was beaten by a measely one yard last year by Pittsburgh Steeler Willie Parker, and it probably shouldn’t count, since the Seattle Seahawk’s defense thought they were in the Puppy Bowl, not the Super Bowl). The former Heisman winner’s amazing run not only looks great, but it’s also the best Super Bowl moment the city of L.A. may ever have.
9. Super Bowl XXXIII in 1999 – FOX’s Perfect Cartoon Hour
I hate Family Guy. Hate hate hate it. I think it’s one of the most mindless shows on TV right now, a shitty blend of toss-away cultural references and drawn-out jokes who became unfunny before they even were muttered. Aliens scouring the charred remains of our planet a billion years from now will find Family Guy tapes, and ponder why we weren’t wiped out sooner. But it wasn’t always that way. Case in point- the hour after Super Bowl XXXIII.
Maybe it was because the Super Bowl that year completely sucked (the Atlanta Falcons somehow ended up playing in it), but the sixty minutes of cartoon programming following the game were ultra-hilarious. First off, there was the Super Bowl episode of The Simpsons (which was heading towards its unfortunate decline into terribleness, but hadn’t reached the reeking point just quite yet), a pretty funny episode featuring the voices of Dan Marino, Troy Aikman and a fake Vincent Price. And then there was FOX’s new show. Family Guy came out of nowhere that night and shined as the funniest moment since, well, Big Bad Vodoo Daddy performed at half-time. There was a time when Family Guy simply didn’t show you a picture of a Rubick’s Cube and go “Hey, this is from the 80’s, that’s funny HEHEHEHEHE,” but actually twisted pop culture just enough to make a fresh new joke. The debut episode is one of the show’s finest moments, and a reminder that I didn’t always want to hurl a rock into my TV every time Stewie lectured Brian about his book for a billion minutes.
8. Super Bowl XX in 1986– Tons of Fun
Sports tend to take themselves too seriously. Players view themselves not just as guys running into one another, but as celebrities whose lives tower above the common person’s. Fans get into ravenous arguments about whose team of over-paid athletes is better. Sportscenter treats the AFC Championship game like the War on Terror. Hell, Stephen A. Smith alone turns a simple game into a Guantanamo-level debate.
So it’s refreshing to see some humor happen in America’s biggest annual sporting event. The 1985 Chicago Bears allowed 325-pound defensive lineman William Perry to score a touchdown in Super Bowl XX. In the ultra-serious world of the NFL, where dancing in the end-zone can land a player a massive fine, it was great to see the Bears knowingly allow the behemoth to score. Plus they clearly understood one of the golden rules of comedy: Anything involving a fat man is instantly a million times funnier than anything else.
7. Super Bowl III in 1969– Namath Calls It
Players claiming their team is going to win the Super Bowl has become about as common-place as newly-welcomed sorority members clutching their house tote bags. But Broadway Joe’s original, cocky call still rocks, not because it was definitive or anything, but because it was just so cool. Namath said it at a pool, surrounded by beautiful babes while lounging in a beach chair. It’s about as badass you can get.
The scene was almost good enough to make us forget the older, creepier Joe who hit on Suzy Kolber a couple years ago . Almost.
6. Super Bowl XXXIII in 1999– Halftime Heat
I liked professional wrestling, shut up, OK. For all of you who had buzzing social lives during your adolescent years, understand the world of professional grappling played a big role in my childhood, even if it was a role clad in tights. So I can’t help but mention the famed Halftime Heat World Championship match which went down during the (surprise) halftime of Super Bowl XXXIII.
The match saw WWE (then WWF) champion and future Gridiron Gang “star” The Rock go up against Mankind a.k.a. Mick Foley a.k.a. the wrestler who wrote some children’s books after he hung up the tights. What made this match great is that it didn’t take placed in a packed arena, but rather in a completely empty venue, sans one referee. The two wrestlers battled all over the area, using whatever they could find as weapons. Some of their arsenal included chairs, tables, an oven, cotton candy and Pepsi. The heavyweight brawl is hilariously over the top, and The Rock delivers some classic lines (i.e. after whacking Mankind with a bag of popcorn, he eats a handful, yells out “Needs salt,” and proceeds to hit him again. Comedy gold.) In the end, Mankind pulled off the win by pinning The Rock….with a forklift. Much better halftime show than the Lingerie Bowl.
5. Super Bowl XXXI in 1997– DESMOND HOWARD I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!!
PACKERS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! PACKERS WIN THE SUPER BOWL! ALL HAIL MVP DESMOND HOWARD!!! I <3 YOU!!!
(Told you I was biased. Mr. Lister loves his Packers, and nothing better than watching them win the Super Bowl).
4. Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004– The Fourth Quarter
I’ve tried to avoid posting entire games or large chunks of time, because it’s kind of a cop out on a best moments list. But this one is just too tasty to pass up. The setting is Houston, home of Super Bowl XXXVIII, best known for Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction,” when America (maybe) saw her teet on national TV. The players are the soon-to-be-a-dynasty New England Patriots and the upstart Carolina Panthers.
The first third of this game was absolutely dreadful, a defensive stalemate that nearly forced me to turn over to the Emeril marathon on Food Network. But the fourth quarter! Both teams exploded, scoring back-and-forth, swapping the lead like it was a skirt in an all-girls suite. It’s the best single quarter of offensive football I’ve ever seen in a Super Bowl. The nerve-wracking quarter was topped off by the dramatic final moments, where both teams made clutch plays to get on the board. In the end, with the game tied, the Panthers kicked the ball out-of-bounds on the kickoff, giving the Patriots, led by Icee-cool QB Tom Brady , a chance at the win. Already a Super Bowl hero, Adam Vinatieri nailed another Lombardi Trophy clinching field goal, ending one of the most frantic quarters of football ever. One can only hope Sunday’s game is paced as half as breakneck as these 15 minutes.
3. Super Bowl XXV in 1991– Whitney Houston just owns the National Anthem
The Super Bowl is the crossroads of sports and entertainment, sometimes yielding amazing results; other times, not so much. We’ve seen amazing performances from U2 honoring the victims of 9/11 (the best halftime show of all time), and we’ve also seen how out of touch the NFL can be (hey, Paul McCartney and The Rolling Stones in back-to-back years? Where’s Steely Dan, they would be great!)
But Whitney Houston’s performance of the Star-Spangled Banner in 1991 towers over every other piece of entertainment wheeled out to the big game. The background to this performance has been beaten into the ground over the years (the game was during the start of the Gulf War, and the nation was very tense at this point about the war), so don’t worry about that aspect. Just focus on how she nails every note here, and how chill-inducing it is. Best version of the Anthem ever? It’s up there.
2. Super Bowl XXVII in 1994– Leon Lett Teaches Us A Valuable Lesson
The Super Bowl has taught us a bunch of important lessons over the years. Fat people scoring touchdowns is high comedy. Even a second-long shot of a covered breast will send this country into a spiral of censorship and hyper-sensitiveness. And the Atlanta Falcons should never ever be playing come Super Sunday. But the most valuable of all comes from the Dallas Cowboys’ 52 to 17 drubbing of the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXVII. Because that’s when Cowboy Leon Lett taught us showboating only leads to national embarrassment.
Dallas was destroying the Bills already, but was ready to enter the history books when Lett recovered a Buffalo fumble and ran towards the end zone. Another touchdown would break the all-time points record in a Super Bowl, and add even more joy to the dominant Dallas squad. Unfortunately, Lett started celebrating just a little bit early, and had the ball batted out of his hands for a Buffalo touchback. Dallas wouldn’t score again.
Lett’s dumb-headed celebration is a great reminder to the youth of our nation to focus on scoring, not celebrating. Plus, it’s one of the funniest moments in sports history. More like Leon Lett-his-career-go!
1. Super Bowl XXXIV in 2000– ONE YARD!!!!!!
At its worst, sports is a mindless game played by bunch of meat-bots slamming into each other while fans argue mindlessly over which set of players is better than the other. At its best, sports is a mirror of our lives played out on a field, the joy of victory and sorrow of defeat unfolding before the eyes of millions. The Super Bowl, the biggest athletic event in the United States, has seen plenty of these emotional scenes play out on a 100-yard field. But the most emotionally thrilling, draining and humanistic of these moments happened in Atlanta during Super Bowl XXXIV.
Two out-of-nowhere teams met in the Georgia Dome, the stunning St. Louis Rams from the NFC and the gritty Tennessee Titans from the AFC. The Rams went up by 16 points, but the Titans rallied, equalizing the score late in the fourth. St. Louis, led by former Arena Football quarterback Kurt Warner, scored again, retaking the lead. But Tennessee didn’t cave in, driving down as time ticked away. With the clock ticking, QB Steve McNair hit wide receiver Kevin Dyson, who charged for the end zone. A bunch of Rams crashed into him, bringing him to the ground as he jutted his arm out in a desperate effort to even up the game. He fell a single yard short. Rams win the Super Bowl.
It would have been one thing had they had been 50 yards short. It would have been one thing had they had been 10 yards short. Heck, two yards wouldn’t have stung so bad. But one yard short! It’s the greatest Super Bowl moment because it’s so painful and personal. Is it a stretch to compare it to the day-to-day grind, where we suffer our own one-yard shortages all the time? Maybe. But that’s why sports are so great. At their best, sports imitates life, playing out the triumphants and tragedies of life, but still serving as a distraction from the real world. The ending to the best Super Bowl ever is also the best single moment in the big game’s forty year history, and its most emotional.
BONUS MR. LISTER SUPER BOWL PREDICTION: Mr. Lister thinks the Bears are being slept on, and believes they will keep it close with the heavily favored Indianapolis Colts. But having to say that means I still think the Colts will win. Sorry Chi-town. As consolation, here’s a link to Kanye West and Common’s rap about the Bears.