Baseball season rocks. What makes the seven month stretch so great you ask? Maybe the time makes the sport so great, the pleasant summer months where being outdoors actually feels good, even if you could fill up a Big Gulp with your sweat. The relaxing pace of the game adds to the sport’s greatness, moving at a pace appropriate for an American populace which has to exert great energy just going to the refrigerator. Plus any sport where a bird can explode mid-game has got to be good.
But America’s pastime towers over every other sport because of the swag given away during the regular season. As an added incentive for fans of good teams and a last-ditch effort to draw patrons by bad teams, promotional days offer spectators all sorts of wonderful trinkets and fantastic deals, ranging from mesh jerseys and ear-shattering noisemakers to “bring your dog to the park day” and “$1 hot dog night.” Most importantly, the giveaway allows the sport to flex its brain instead of its brawn as teams often offer some creative freebies. Here are some of the best promotional events of the 2007 season. Start planning your ballpark roadtrip now.
10. Minnesota Twins Finger Puppet (May 8)
Before venturing any further into the land of baseball goodies, one important fact must be stated. Most free items given away at a baseball game suck. After paying upwards of $30 for a seat smack-dab behind a concrete pillar, the only gift you get at the gate may very well be a $3 Matchbox car with a poorly-drawn logo on the hood. Don’t expect every giveaway night to be full of gold-plated Albert-Pujols-signed bats. Most of the time, you’ll probably get a Junior Spivey fridge magnet.
This Minnesota Twins finger puppet is the Aqua Teen Hunger Force of the giveaway world: just stupid enough to be awesome. This crudely made finger toy relates in no way at all to the Minnesota Twins. The team doesn’t employ a fish whatsoever (for your information, the team has two mascots, a bear and two fat guys shaking hands, apparently the perfect representation of Minneapolis and St. Paul coming together as one). The only touch connecting this gift with baseball at all is a Twins cap on his scaly head. Of all the worthless wonders being offered for free this season, this fishy finger puppet works best because it’s so weird, one can’t resist picking one up.
9. Florida Marlins Lawyers Appreciation Night (April 19)
Of all the professions to honor, Florida’s finest baseball franchise (read: the one that isn’t the Devil Rays) decided to acknowledge one of America’s most honest and likeable careers Thursday night – lawyers. Who else deserves recognition more than individuals who chase after ambulances and act like clowns in the courtroom? I think no one else, good reader. To further celebrate, all attorneys receive Ethics CLE credit hours. For going to a Marlin’s baseball game.
OK, I can’t keep this charade up any longer. My real choice for number 9, instead of celebrating slimy lawyers, is…
9. Florida Marlins Kazoo Night (July 14)
Kazoos trump lawyers everytime.
8. Colorado Rockies Solar Calculator (April 22)
Probably won’t be needed to count the number of wins the Rockies record this season.
7. Oakland Athletics Necktie (June 17)
Teams give away apparel like pounds give away puppies. Most promotions involve the most lame of ware, third-rate hats plastered with advertisements and thin jerseys appropriate possibly for the gym, but nowhere else. When a team offers a really awesome clothing item, it must be noted, so, if you need a new tie, hit up the poorly named McAfee Coliseum for an Athletic’s necktie. Hopefully, the tie will be gold and yellow, like the team’s color, making for a very interesting-looking piece of clothing. Try wearing that to a big important business meeting and see what happens. Probably be laughed at for having a tie from the Chokeland Pathetics. Hate those guys.
(Objectivity point – The author of this article is a big fan of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and thus hates everything associated with and related to the Oakland Athletics. Yes, I am still bitter about last year. Don’t expect me to change.)
6. Tampa Bay Devil Rays Don Zimmer Bobblehead (June 23)
Much like Dancing with the Stars, this promotion put on by the shame of Florida baseball (read: the one that is kinda worse than the Marlins) reminds fans that Don Zimmer is, in fact, alive. Last time we saw the man who looks like a hybrid of Mickey Rooney and a honey-glazed ham, he was charging (OK, waddling quickly) at Pedro Martinez, before being hurled to the ground. Most people assumed Zimmer vanished after the incident, most likely to a desert island doomed to live out the rest of his days wondering why he was Don Zimmer. But, tragically, Zim went somewhere even sadder than the Lost island – Tampa Bay. So this tiny head-bobbing figurine is a great reminder that Don Zimmer still does stuff and we should always keep him in our thoughts, because he’s stuck helping a team playing in a dome called Tropicana Field. Plus, he’s so silly looking!
5. Milwaukee Brewers Chorizo Bobblehead (July 15)
Don Zimmer may be funny to look at, but the Chorizo Sausage is just plain cool. A little background – the Milwaukee Brewers hold a Sausage Race during the seventh inning of every home game, consisting of men wearing costumes resembling tubed meat racing around the field. Last year, in an effort to diversify, the team introduced the Chorizo Sausage, a Latino meat wearing a sombrero. Due to America’s current illegal immigration woes (and because of MLB’s policy banning new mascots during the middle of the season), the Chorizo couldn’t race.
But a new season means the sausage can race! And the team will offer a Chorizo bobblehead doll to celebrate later in the season. Besides being a freakin’ sausage, I am truly intrigued how this thing will bobble without looking like a Freudian teaching come alive. Plus, he wears a sombrero.
4. Chicago Cubs Mr. Potato Head (July 14)
Baseball is usually one of the defining activities of childhood. If The Sandlot taught me anything, it’s that America’s game will help me and my pals bond, and I will eventually meet a blind James Earl Jones and learn a lesson about being a man. So when Major League franchises appeal to the childish part of life, I get excited. Unless it’s the current craze of having a Build-a-Bear Day at your ballpark. That’s for girls.
Last year, the Cubs gave away a Snoopy stuffed animal wearing a Chicago shirt, not remotely connected to the team but adorable nonetheless. This year, they’ve upped the innocence-ante with a Cubs’ Mr. Potato Head toy. I believe somewhere in the Magna Carta it states every child in any civilized society must have a Mr. Potato Head toy sometime during their youth, so having the Cubs hand out the cosmetic-surgery spud just plain rocks. I’m not sure if the toy will come with Cubs-appropriate gear, such as a cap, a glove or Alfonso Soriano’s spot on the bench, but it doesn’t matter, because you can get a free Mr. Potato Head.
Hopefully, more teams cull items from my childhood for promotional purposes. Seattle Mariners Transformers and Kansas City Royal Creepy Crawlers? I’d wait three days for those.
3. Houston Astros Grill Set (June 17)
Now this is a giveaway! For Father’s Day, the Houston Astros aren’t handing out some sissy stuffed dog or a Polly Pocket. Nope, they care about the alpha males, and will give out an Astros grill set. Nothing wimpy here. Just grill brushes and pointy-things, the ultimate display of manhood. These look like high-quality cookwares, and they have the team’s logo on it. This giveaway is of awesome quality, and an awesome way for dudes to reclaim the ballpark from “Ladies Night Out” and team doily giveaway day.
2. Cleveland Indians Free Money Day (April 14)
Yes, you read the title correctly. The Indians gave away money for one of their home games. Cold hard cash. Unfortunately, the promotion passed, but as the sun sets and the moon rises, free money day will surely appear again.
Here’s how this amazing day works, according to fellow NBN writer and Indians superfan Jason Plautz. Every fan gets an envelope when they walk into the park. Now most of these envelopes contain a measly dollar bill, so pathetic it could only cover one-fourth the cost of a soda at the stadium. Some people receive a Lincoln, enough to buy a nachos without jalapenos. Even fewer fans will find a crisp ten in their envelope. Soon, the monetary value skyrockets, with opportunities to earn $100, $1000 or $10,000 (!). Who cares if the cost of tickets will force your family to eat government cheese for a month? THINK OF THE MONEY YOU COULD GET!!!!!
1. Washington Nationals Historical Bobbleheads (July 4, August 4, August 18 and September 1)
A truly great promotional item both draws fans to the ballpark and makes a greater statement about the team. The St. Louis Cardinals handing out replica World Series rings indicates they are a good team capable of capturing the Fall Classic again. The Boston Red Sox giving out noisemakers would indicate they are loud and annoying. The New York Yankess giving out juicy steaks and wine from the 1930s would show they are filthy rich and terrible people.
The Washington Nationals’ bobblehead selection for the 2007 season speaks volumes about the franchise. If you don’t follow the sports pages, the Nationals resemble a crackhouse, filled with misfits and falling apart all around you. Baseball analysts dubbed the squad the worst in the majors right now. They have no star players at all. The team motto for the year? “Washington Nationals – Pledge Allegiance.” What is that? So, for promotional purposes, the team avoided having Dmitri Young be the primary bobblehead doll, and opted to idolize individuals even closer to the team than the actual players – century-old presidents.
Since they have no recognizable players whatsoever to stick on a cup or something, the Nats are turning to Mount Rushmore for promotional inspiration. If you catch a super-exciting Washington baseball game during August or September, you may walk away with a bobblehead doll resembling executive titans George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Teddy “Trustbuster” Roosevelt. These are cool gifts on their own. Who doesn’t want a Thomas Jefferson who bobbles his head frequently?
But what makes the gift so great is the commentary attached. And that commentary is that the Washington Nationals suck. Suck hard.