This past year saw a surprising renaissance at the cinema. After 2006, when the movie industry faced diminishing ticket returns and article after article asking whether DVDs were killing the movie theater, 2007 saw a surge in box office returns. This summer’s money intake shattered previous records thanks to typical blockbuster fare like Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean and pleasant out-of-nowheres like Ratatouille and Superbad. The year reminded the world that film will always have a place in society, no matter how good The Bourne Ultimatum’s special features look in HD.
But it would be a lapse in judgment to say 2007 didn’t also feature some of the dumbest flicks in recent movie history. As great as it was to see the industry rebound after the doom-and-gloom of prior years, I’d be OK with Hollywood taking it a little harder if it stopped them from pumping out dreck like Bratz and Balls of Fury. The sequel to National Treasure hasn’t even hit screens yet! The past year behaved well for the biz, but it featured plenty of terrible, mind-numbing moments of cinematic stupidity too. Here are the ten dumbest.
10. Even Don Cheadle can’t suspend my disbelief anymore
The Film:Ocean’s 13
The Moment: The gang acquires a super powerful drill to create an earthquake.
Why it was stupid: The Ocean’s movies revolve on “oh no they didn’t!” moments, but this scene seems farfetched for a series featuring the robbing of an entire casino in five minutes. George Clooney, Brad Pitt and the rest of the pretty-boys once again need to steal something from a casino, but this time, simply sneaking in won’t do. They opt for a stealthier method; buying a drill, hiding it underneath the casino and creating an earthquake on the opening night. At this point, the Ocean’s series only exists as a way for Mr. Clooney to show how cool he is and remind America who Bernie Mac is, but sneaking a multi-ton drill underneath a multi-million dollar casino transcends clever one-upsmanship, descending into pure stupidity. You can’t stick Brad Pitt into The Core and expect it to become brain food.
9. It’s alive, and it’s bad marketing!
The Film:Transformers (sort of)
The Moment: The Cloverfield teaser trailer
Why it was stupid: Now, I’m no integrated marketing major or anything, but I’m pretty sure when trying to promote something you should give the audience some sort of clue about what you are promoting. Producer J.J. Abrams’ giant-monster-meets-Blair Witch production Cloverfield forgot this valuable lesson, failing to capitalize on audience interest by neglecting to advertise the film after the trailer. Check the clip below, played before Transformers.
The mysterious preview generated tons of buzz, especially on the internet, where geeks hypothesized what exactly this movie was going to be about, some arguing a Lost spin-off, others championing a freakin’ Evangelion-like movie. Who the hell would make an Evangelion-like movie?
Abrams and company forgot to do anything with this momentum, failing to offer anymore hints or compelling online material (save character MySpace pages), resulting in a drop-off in interest akin to a roller coaster car falling off the Grand Canyon. One has to be a monumental nimrod not to be able to capitalize on buzz like Cloverfield’s (the name came later), but J.J. Abrams offered up a Lost-like twist that he didn’t know how to market. The movie’s picked up some steam thanks to another, equally cool trailer before Beowulf, but it shouldn’t have needed a shot in the arm in the first place.
8. Wake me up when this cameo ends
The Film: The Simpson’s Movie
The Moment: Green Day plays the show’s opening theme
Why it was stupid: Lets get the mandatory bashing out of the way: The Simpsons stinks now. One of the major reasons the show sucks so, so hard, besides bad jokes and writing resembling that of a million special-needs chimpanzees typing simultaneously, is an over-reliance on guest spots. The Simpsons used to actually integrate guest stars into the story super well, but nowadays, the show simply hurls them in and goes “Hey, it’s J.K. Rowling! Neat, right?” The otherwise solid Simpsons movie featured plenty of potentially disastrous moments (Spiderpig??) that turned out awesome (Spiderpig!), but the film opens unpromisingly, featuring the classic opening theme performed by those loveable American Idiots© Green Day. Everything about the punk band’s appearance seems unnecessary, nothing more than an over-the-top touch to remind viewers they are no longer watching The Simpsons on TV, but at a theater. The single consolation – Green Day dies shortly into the movie, and the film gets good.
7. I think I hate this ending
The Film: I Think I Love My Wife
The Moment: The end of the film
Why it was stupid: If I faced a crumbling marriage, I’m pretty sure I’d look for a good counselor or try sitting down with my hypothetical wife to talk about our issues. Chris Rock believes the best way to fix shaky matrimony involves a spontaneous song number. In his second directorial effort, Rock decided to resolve his tale of infidelity and love with a musical number. No, really. Chris Rock’s character and his cinema wife just break into song about the rough spots in their relationship, and then kiss and make up after the final high note. More surrealist than David Lynch, Rock has a long way to go on his road to becoming a successful director, such as learning how to end a conflict without the use of sing-alongs.
6.Not good for arteries or eyes
The Film: Wild Hogs
The Moment: Tim Allen eats a stick of butter
Why it was stupid: Nothing more desperate than a has-been comedian trying to get a crowd laughing at him by consuming an entire block of butter. Do I really need to explain why this is horrible?
5. Worst product placement ever
The Film:Transformers
The Moment: The debut of the Mountain Dew Transformer. Special ability: quenching thirsts to the extreme.
Why it was stupid: Product placement is one of those aspects of modern movies I just accept, like really fast cuts or Dane Cook in the leading role. But Michael Bay’s boom-tastic blockbuster Transformers features one of the most mind-boggling in-film advertisements since Mac and Me. A little set-up: the Autobots and Decepticons battle over a magical cube capable of giving life to, well, anything. So, during a heated battle late in the flick, the cube animates a Mountain Dew vending machine, turning the once peaceful beverage dispenser into a walking metallic nightmare capable of firing cans of nasty tasting soda at people.
Putting a Burger King in the background of a shot to make a little more money isn’t offensive, but devoting five stupefying seconds to a character created for the sole purpose of shilling Mountain Dew gets blood boiling faster than a Hairspray convention. This scene exists for no reason whatsoever but a cheap laugh and subliminal advertising, and that’s just not cool. I’d rather see Megatron stop mid-battle to drink a big bottle of Vitamin Water than this pointless interlude.
4. Even Shortround would blush
The Film: Norbit/I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
The Moment: Actors in yellowface, oh boy.
Why it was stupid: In a society where Nas naming his new album after a racially derogatory word turns so many heads, its surprising two movies this year featured full-on yellowface performances. I’m not part of the politically correct crowd, but even I twinged in the cinema seeing Hollywood actors change their skin tone and slurring their “l’s” and “r’s.” These characters, featured in Razzie-bait Norbit and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, offered outdated caricatures of Asians OK for the 1930’s, but downright embarrassing in today’s world.
These offensive acting jobs came courtesy of Eddie Murphy and Rob Schneider, two actors willing to do anything for a couple bucks. Murphy played Mr. Wong, an orphanage/Chinese food restaurant owner fond of whaling and speaking like Fu-Manchu. Schneider, meanwhile, portrayed an unnamed Japanese wedding minister (though he didn’t take credit for it, his smartest move ever) who pronounces “ring” as “ling,” one of the recurring comedic motifs of the film. Neither actor offers any interesting insight into race or being Asian, settling rather to put on an outlandish costume and just utilize outdated stereotypes associated with Asians. Still, donning yellowface and making fun of an entire race wasn’t the worst career move for either actor, not with Daddy Day Care and The Hot Chick on their resumes.
3. Haroo Haroo this sucks
The Film: 300
The Moment: Shirtless beefcake King Leonidas yells out “THIS IS SPARTA!!!”
Why it was stupid : I’m ashamed of a lot in my life, 2007 in particular, but no blunder haunts me more than my glowing review of 300, the constant reminder that I am often an idiot. I mentioned how stupid the plot and writing came off, but I failed to focus on just how idiotic the story was. Yeah, 300 looks pretty, but the film features wizards, ninjas, hunchbacks, elephants, goat people, giant wolves, lesbian orgies and a rhino. The whole movie overflows with moronic over-testosteroned trash, making it the stupidest movie of 2007, a year, may I remind you, responsible for Delta Farce.
Choosing one brain-cell eradicating moment from 300 seems damn near impossible. So let’s stick with the scene where King Leonidas bellows out the most quoted line of 2007 before kicking a dude into a well. The Spartan King’s leg thrust kicks open the doors to the rest of the film’s crap, making this scene the gateway to the ridiculous dumbness 300 offers so prodigiously. The shot may not feature any random beasts of burden, but without it, we would never get to see a man decapitated in slo-mo.
2. Childhood=ruined
The Film : Transformers
The Moment : Hey, Optimus Prime, how did you find a rare artifact light-years away from Earth? “eBay.”
Why it was stupid : People who complain about their childhoods being exploited for the silver screen should shut up. When I was five, I’d have killed to see all my heroes, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Transformers to freakin’ Bucky O’Hare in a movie. When folks moan about Hollywood tarnishing childhood favorites like G.I. Joe, they should keep in mind the sole purpose of these shows was to sell toys loaded with plastic swords and flashing lights. And what could be cooler than watching your favorite action figures come to life on a movie screen, the grand battles imagined in a bedroom playing out on the big screen. I’m still waiting for a great Ninja Turtle movie.
But Transformers took my childhood dreams, tied them to a chair, poured gasoline over them and flicked a match. Specifically, the scene where Optimus Prime tells Shia Labeouf where he found the legendary cube from – his answer an overly dramatic “eBay.” I understand my childhood heroes weren’t meant to be taken seriously, but turning them into CGI dolts making bad advertisement jokes (what can’t you find on eBay?!) demeans them too far. Transformers comes chock-full of terrible moments (see also Optimus Prime stepping on a dog house and saying “my bad”), but none rang stupider than having one of my favorite evil-fighting robots become a talking billboard for an auction web site.
1. Just punch me in the face, Peter Parker
The Film : Spider-Man 3
The Moment : Peter Parker goes all Pete Wentz on us
Why it was stupid : I still don’t believe Spider-Man 3 happened. The costliest movie ever also grossed the most money ever, yet it features a segment in the middle where the filmmakers basically make fun of the audience, almost mocking us for spending money on tickets. A film missing a cue in logic or missing the mark due to writing can be forgiven, but a movie deliberately going to idiotic extremes for no good reason other than to insult the audience’s intelligence transcends forgiveness.
Midway through the latest Spider-Man movie, hero Peter Parker stumbles upon an alien parasite. The intergalactic goo clings to Parker who, as would happen when infected with alien gunk, dyes his hair black and acts like a MySpace whore. No longer a dweeb, the new Peter Parker struts down the street sexily, eye-screwing every attractive lady along the way. Oh, and when I say struts, I also mean dances like an idiot. Literally. Eventually, Parker goes to a nightclub where former girlfriend Mary Jane sings. Parker upstages her by playing the piano and dancing, putting on his own little revue, and eventually slaps Mary Jane.
This segment is obviously stupid on description alone – no sane person imagines Spider-Man taking fashion pointers from the Hot Topic website, walking around like a dick and slapping women. But what makes this the stupidest moment in movies this year is how much Spider-Man 3 betrays the audience. People go to a superhero movie to see action. It worked for the first two Spider-Mans just fine. But here, the people behind the film trek into a whole new world, turning Spider Man into some sort of surreal comedy. Peter Parker posing in front of a window and checking himself out isn’t funny, it’s ridiculous and moronic. People defend this part by arguing Spider-Man always came with an air of lightheartedness, but these people are as dumb as the movie itself. This segment isn’t light comedy, it’s people making fun of the customer by giving them something they didn’t want. Everyone knew the “most expensive movie” hype going in, and to see money spent on … this, well, that isn’t worth $9. That isn’t worth $5 in Universal Studios Fun Bucks.
Most people in the theater while I watched Spider-Man 3 laughed when Mary Jane took one across the face from her ex-lover. And that’s why this scene is 2007’s stupidest – when everything leading up to the payoff is so ridiculous that abuse comes off funny, you know you’ve seen something boneheaded.
Author’s Correction – November 27, 2007: The original article said 2007 was responsible for the film Little Man. The year 2006 is actually responsible for this terrible movie, so the reference to Little Man has been changed to the equally horrid Delta Farce, starring Larry the Cable Guy. I regret the error, and apologize to 2007 for accusing it of birthing a movie about a little person posing as a baby.