What if, every Monday morning, whether you were spending the weekend living it up or partying down, you could have all of your pop culture news in one place? What if there was more to your weekend than bright nights and hazy mornings? What if you could be caught up on your television, film, and music news all at once, with a little Northwestern thrown in for good measure?
Well, here you are. This is your first helping of the Monday Morning Hangover. Soak it in – it smells like Morty’s car the day he bought it. It feels as hot and fresh out of the kitchen as an omelet from Sargent. It sparkles like the Norris ice rink on the night before midterms. What a beautiful thing.
Here is what we are still feeling from the weekend.
Movies
Look at this crap-fest. Here are the ten highest-grossing movies of the weekend, courtesy of Box Office Mojo. The number next to each title is their approval-percentage from Rotten Tomatoes.
- The LEGO Movie – 96%
- 3 Days to Kill – 27%
- Pompeii – 29%
- RoboCop – 50%
- The Monuments Men – 34%
- About Last Night – 76%
- Ride Along – 17%
- Frozen – 89%
- Endless Love – 16%
- Winter’s Tale – 13%
That is gross. Three movies above fifty percent – that means that seven out of these ten movies could not bring more than half of their viewers to even think “Hey, that was alright.” Not even half. My God. At least next weekend we can go see Non-Stop, right? Right? What about Son of God? Anyone? I really wish movie-makers tried all year-round.
On to better things. For one, it seems like all the Space Jam 2 rumors that you heard were lies. Sources from the LeBron James camp denied anything happening. Personally, I am thanking my lucky stars: For all this talk about LeBron not trying to be Michael Jordan anymore, it would be way too Jordan-y for King James to do a Space Jam of his own. Plus, we all know that LeBron clearly lacks the clutch ability to pull off the mega-dunk that Jordan did. So there.
Finally, a quick breakdown of the all-but-confirmed Fantastic Four casting murmurs. Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic – skeptically optimistic (he mostly goes for teen-focused flicks, but nevertheless, his turn in Spectacular Now was one of my favorite performances of 2013). Kate Mara as Sue Storm – capable, totally (she climbs the Celebrity Crush Power Rankings every time she shows up in a new show or movie). Jamie Bell as the Thing – not sure I understand it, but he is a kickass actor, so I can buy it for now. And Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm? Hell yeah, man. Best choice of the four. He should sign for a solo movie.
Oh, and the upcoming Godzilla movie has a badass new poster.
Television
Gotta love that Heroes is coming back to NBC. I have always felt that it was the most NBC-esque show out there: they had a great premise, executed it well and gave the show a killer start, but then (because they're NBC) found themselves surprised by the positive reception, tried to rush the writing and development to overcompensate, and ultimately contributed to the show’s complete collapse. It always stood as one huge missed chance. People love superheroes and they love easy-to-hate villains, and for a while, Heroes was batting 2-for-2. It might seem desperate for NBC right now, but you have very few people complaining about this announcement. Shows like this deserve another chance.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon took an axe to the desk of the Tonight Show – killing it in his first week. The opener saw the highest rated episode of Tonight since 1992, and the week as a whole was NBC’s biggest since the end of Cheers in 1993. He averaged 8.5 million viewers a night. No doubt, this is boosted by the presence of Justin “You will love anything I do right now” Timberlake. And you bet they did History of Rap 5.
I could close by pointing out that Jennifer Lopez is set to star in a new police drama called (wait for it) Shades of Blue, and that it will be airing on NBC in 2015, but I wanted to end on a high note.
Music
Good thing Justin Timberlake showed up in this column, because with where we are headed, things are about to become a whole lot dirtier on your Monday morning.
We will start with Miley Cyrus – are you awake yet? Maybe you can regain some of your senses after you hear how she rode a giant hotdog, slid down a giant tongue and did a cover of Hey Ya! (yeesh, was that the most foreboding Google-adventure of my life or what?), all on the opening night of her North American tour. Thank goodness it was in Vancouver, because we need something to say to Canada after those hockey games this weekend. Wow, this paragraph was depressing.
Speaking of Canada, Justin Bieber is here! Everyone’s favorite little jailhouse rocker has released a new single, the first since his arrest in January. This one is called “Broken,” and you bet your ass it is his response to the haters! You can listen to it here. Honestly, I could not be more excited about this, because if he is ever incarcerated, this is going to make for some fine comedy. Cannot wait.
Oh hey, did anyone see the Bonnaroo line-up for this summer? It is plain ol’ cray.
Northwestern
The one thing I want to point out is this tweet. I like it for several reasons. First, it almost gives this column a legitimate Northwestern tie-in. Second, it's a good subtle brag that he is still chilling with celebrities. Third, that reply. Finally, the lack of said pics. Incredible.
However, with Dance Marathon around the corner, and the prospect of A&O’s winter speaker looming large, good things are on the horizon for entertainment in ‘Cats Country. The Monday Morning Hangover will be back next week. Until then, pop that Aleve, slug down some coffee, and hang tough. We are right there with you.