Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a wake-up call. We do food in all kinds of ways here at Northwestern, but we fail to do food right. We routinely leave ice cream off our waffles. We forget to combine lemonade, Sprite and iced tea to make carbonated Arnold Palmers with every meal. And most tragically, we only enjoy one Evanston restaurant at a time.
Why would you ever settle for just one dish per meal when you can take two of your local favorites and mash them into marriages of insane foods? Sure your stomach won’t settle for several weeks following your greasy conquest, but you‘ll never again settle for regular food.
Prepare yourself for our fantastical food journey through Evanston, one that takes all of your favorite restaurants and pairs their specialties with one another. The result is a full slate of meals that can only be described as legendary, must-be-seen-to-be-believed plates of pure awesome.
Breakfast
Rise and shine, amigos.
Put those cornflakes down because this take on the Egg McMuffin will change the breakfast game. Le Peep serves its Gooey Buns—a broiled English muffin with cinnamon, brown sugar and almonds—with cream cheese and its signature “Mom’s Sassy Apples.”
Sorry Mom, but your fruit has no place here.
Kick out those Sassy Apples and stack on the entirety of Burger King’s Ultimate Breakfast Platter. This includes hash browns, a sausage patty, some scrambled eggs and three pancakes. It comes with a biscuit too, but throw that out with your Sassy Apples. The result is a collision of breakfast food that makes your Nutella on toast look like a sugary bitch. All this between two Gooey Buns? Totally worth the gooey buns you’ll have later.
Lunch
What are you having for lunch? Dining hall pizza plus a backup bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Maybe some fries? Oh, sorry: I didn’t realize we were in the fourth grade.
Prepare yourself for some next-level lunch maneuvers, and ante up with an East-meets-West-style pie.
It’s understandable that Asian-inspired chicken on top of marinara sauce is unusual, but that’s where your Sriracha comes into play.
Skip on down to Trader Joe’s, buy some spicy goodness and mix that with Lou’s tomato mixture. Then go all-in with the dead bird. You’ll feed your dorm for a week.
Mid-Afternoon Snack
God bless America. Only in this land of opportunity can you display your colors by slapping the best cheeseburger in Evanston between two grilled cheese sandwiches, which themselves are stuffed with even more greasy treats.
Remove the buns from the burger, obviously, because this is a civilized society, and it’s important to watch those carbs. Aside from that, no alterations are necessary—just enjoy the complete immobility you’re going to experience for the rest of the day. But hey, at least you can still watch football, shoot an oversized firearm and let an eagle rest on your shoulder from your seat. What better way to honor this great nation than to par- ticipate in this food-match made in heaven? Land of the free and home of the brave, indeed.
Dinner
Are you ready to rain hellfire on your bowels? Taco Diablo certainly is, especially when you take three of their eleven varieties of tacos (which include Catfish, Crispy Almond Duck and Potato) and cram them inside a quesadilla made from one of Chipotle’s gargantuan tortillas. What’s that? Chipotle doesn’t have large quesadillas on their menu? Go up to the counter like a big kid and ask for it, noob. It’s been done.
Now, instead of having Chipotle’s no-longer farm-fresh ingredients in your boring old flour shell, you have three money-in-the-bank Taco Diablo tacos blanketed by your quesadilla exterior. Talk about an upgrade. That’s like five Taco Bell meals in one. Like a drunken Fourth Meal followed by an entire day of stomach irregularity, it will totally be worth it.
Dessert
If you’ve ever felt like your vanilla milkshake was missing something, it’s probably because it didn’t have a gorgeous mass of baked apples and fluffy pancakes blended up inside. The Andy’s custard lends your shake a serious boost in creaminess, and if you want to really go all-out, you can add cinnamon and ice and milk and all that culinary stuff.
You can blend your shake into oblivion if you want, or you can go halfway and savor the bits of chunkage at the bottom of your glass. And you aren’t even allowed to say it’s gross—look at all the crap you’ve eaten already.