If you’re the guy I saw already having his dinner delivered to the library in the first week of class, you’re beyond any help I can offer. If you’re one of the freshmen still showing up early to my Harris 107 class and taking up the best napping seats, please start skipping class. But if you’re anything like me, you’re right on schedule for a dish of naked truths with a side of empty calories.
The political body: naked candidates
Senator Clinton’s campaign staffers continue hurting my feelings: they’ve been aggressively deflecting my calls and emails in which I’ve been making the case for adopting “Naked Hillary” as her campaign’s driving theme, motto and bumper sticker slogan. Imagine how many campaign buttons they’d sell that way.
Fortunately for us all, the anti-clothed-politicians advocates have had more success in Poland, which is like Europe’s token pervy old white man.
Seven female Polish politicians – ok, take a quick break to look at the picture – have posed naked on billboards all over the country in an effort to advertise their new Women’s Party in anticipation of the upcoming parliamentary elections.
Addressing charges of pornography, the party’s founder, Manuela Gretkowska said, “We do not have our mouths open nor our eyes closed,” which just goes to show how little she really knows about porn. She added, “The poster is intended to shatter stereotypes in the anachronistic world of politics. . . . We are beautiful, nude and proud.”
This new party’s ideology is diverse and includes support for such issues as women, women’s issues, and most importantly: women. I’m not mocking; no, women are actually not particularly welcome in Polish politics. Most of the major parties list female candidates’ names on the bottom of electoral lists so they’re not seen and not voted for.
Now that Britney is free of the chains of parenting, perhaps the Women’s Party can recruit her to pose for their next batch of billboards.
Doughnut ban protest slowly led by senior citizens
I implore you, do not under any circumstances flood the mailbox at the following address with doughnuts, any other sweets or even just pictures of doughnuts for the poorer of you out there:
110 Old Route 6, Building #1
Carmel, New York 10512
This would be the address of New York Putnam County’s Office for the Aging, and they really, really don’t like breakfast pastries.
It seems that senior citizens go after the doughnuts at senior centers more aggressively than a Delt after freshmen girls. So Putnam County has started rejecting all donations of doughnuts, pies and bread.
Apparently age is not good for your health and old people are now suffering from a plethora of ailments like heart disease and high blood pressure. This trend has worried center directors who are now reacting to the problem by cutting off doughnut rations.
With their supply of the sweet, sweet drug dried up, senior citizens have traded their dominoes for picket signs and taken their fight to the streets. Joe Hajkowski, 75, a former labor union official organized a picket of senior citizens last week. The protestors (average age: 76) carried signs so witty that you’d have thought they were headline writers for NBN. Some gems included “Give Us Our Just Desserts” and “They’re Carbs, Not Contraband.”
At another New York senior center, the old curmudgeon Nicholas Volpicella, 87, complains, “The sweetest thing here is the raisin in the raisin bagel.” Those present weren’t sure whether the raisin he referred to was his new girlfriend or the dried fruit.
In other old people news: Elderly nursing home patients could benefit from more sex.
Scratching the seven-year itch
Here’s one the conservative politicians, a la Giuliani and Thompson, will really dig: a marriage contract with a seven-year automatic expiration date, with the chance to apply for an extension after that period.
This plan is ingeniously brought to you by a lifelong member of Germany’s ultra-conservative Christian Social Union (CSU) party.
Gabriele Pauli’s credentials in drafting this proposal are impeccable: she’s a hot German, has divorce experience and has posed as a dominatrix in latex and leather for a German magazine (why yes, of course there’s a picture!). She made the suggestion while speaking last week in Munich, the capital of Bavaria, which is incidentally one of Germany’s heavily Catholic states.
Pauli, twice married and divorced as many times, had marriages lasting 11 years and six years, which served as scientific proof for picking seven years for marriage dissolution.
Unfortunately, Pauli is universally mocked in Bavaria, where political commentators give her no chance of snagging the trophy position of state prime minister of Bavaria. Other delightful candidates for the position include Agriculture Minister Horst Seehofer, 58, whose campaign tanked when news of his kid with a 32-year-old mistress was leaked.
Such colorful candidates make even Mike Gravel seem sane.