Your summer was plagued by shortages: not enough batshit crazy presidential candidates, not enough Russians and possibly not enough sperm. I do hope your summer was otherwise full – of news-avoidance, general apathy and lots of practice in putting others down. This summer I, for one, realized, after a few too many hours of The Hills, that I’m not quite as sophisticated as this column has often led you to believe. As such, the stories you’ll find here are taking a new direction this quarter: more crazy, more useless, more fun.
Poll the Audience: Gravel’s plans for a 4th branch of government
Bless you, Mr. Mike Gravel. You have reignited the fire of my political passions. You are not a rock quickly sinking into the vast and vacuous pond of presidential candidates, but instead your steadfast, forward-looking attitude has set you apart. You are an artist and I adore your daring artistic execution.
Your most recent piece has been particularly compelling. A non-profit that you founded, The Democracy Foundation, wants to amend the Constitution and create a fourth branch of government that will truly empower our electorate by giving the people the ability to create and vote on their own laws.
I did always think leaving the lawmaking to lawmakers was a fascist and elitist institution; it’s not like we even voted for them! But your National Initiative for Democracy (just look at the URL, it even has the letter “4” in there; you understand meta-irony and I respect that, sir) will change that.
I commend you on your ability to count even up to three. While the other Democratic candidates are subtracters – they want less war, less poverty, less illiteracy – you are an adder. This is just what our beleaguered country needs: more chances to vote. The more things you vote on, the more likely you’re going to end up with good laws. Or something like that.
In the words of Don Kemner, secretary of the Democracy Foundation, we have a “mendicant democracy” but we need a true democracy. With vision like yours, I trust you, Senator Gravel, more than I trust my own parents. I will loyally follow you while you deliver us to the promised land (not to be confused with 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.).
Sperm shortage: volunteers needed
If you’re a blond, blue-eyed Scandinavian man with a taste for sophisticated wine who approves of socialized healthcare, your sperm is in high demand in the United States. Although a few clinics have some stockpiles left, most are running low because of the US’s ban on sperm imports.
Worry not, my liberal friends, this is not some random anti-European measure by an overactive Bush administration that’s afraid European sperm comes pre-wired for Socialism (whew, paranoid much?). The reasoning: After a mad cow disease scare in Eastern Europe in 2004, the Food and Drug Administration decided to block the import of all sperm donations from countries exposed to the disease.
Let’s examine the efficacy of this reasoning. “The consensus in the United Kingdom is that this is a silly ban,” said Dr. Allan Pacey, an andrology expert at the University of Sheffield and secretary of the British Fertility Society. “There’s no evidence to show that mad cow disease can be transmitted in human semen.” Ah, informative.
Russia accepting applicants desiring solitary confinement
In Putin’s Russia, you don’t volunteer to be locked up in a confined space and videotaped for 520 days; it’s often Putin who volunteers you. But 5,000 people from over 45 countries have sent applications for the honor of being locked up, video taped and drinking their own reprocessed urine.
It’s the story of six people, picked to live in a simulated spacecraft without fresh air or incoming sunlight for a year and a half; to have their lives taped to see what happens when you stop doing stupid things merely for entertainment but qualify it as a scientific experiment.
Not that Russia needs to defend what goes on in Moscow’s dark, cramped spaces, but we should give them the benefit of the doubt here. It’s for science, after all. The mission: Russia desperately wants to be the first country to land people on the (ironically enough) red planet.
This is obviously a healthy psychological experiment. The Russians tried a six-month version a few years ago and it was a riot. In that case, the team leader tried to kiss one of the female astronauts: “After that I only went to bed with a knife,” she said.
One of this year’s applicants was a former prisoner in Western Europe– a confinement connoisseur who wants to try it the Russian way. You would even get paid handsomely for the opportunity to get close to this guy: There’s a stipend of €120 per day.
My only advice for seniors without jobs looking for easy money: Don’t kill or maim the guy responsible for processing your urine.