After three solid weeks of watching E! scrape the bottom of the relevancy barrel, I contemplated classing up this joint. Of course, before I could, political scandal had to erupt from every possible deity-of-your-choice-forsaken corner of this world. And you know me — I couldn’t let that go. So with good taste and political correctness pushed aside, I present to you a week full of schadenfreude.
Sex, booze and drugs: The government-licensed edition
There are secrets about the ugly underbelly of government that your leaders don’t want you to know. It’s a tale of intrigue and scandal so salacious that its tricks can be learned only behind closed doors. It comes in three varieties sure to please even the most discriminating palette: sex, booze and drugs.
Not your grandpa’s sex tape
Let’s begin with the topic dearest to college students’ hearts (and below): sex tapes. It turns out that the health minister of Malaysia is in excellent physical condition, healthy enough to partake in sexual activity even at the ripe age of 61. And he has the tape to prove it.
Two DVDs — not video tapes, that would have been cheap — of the married Chua Soi Lek and a woman he has called a “personal friend” were being passed around two weeks ago faster than Lindsay Lohan can fall off the wagon. The discerning sex tape (DVD?) connoisseur may be interested to learn that one tape is 56 minutes long and the other is 44.
But this father of three is no immoral bastard: he apologized to his family and to the prime minister. Lest you think he has no boundaries, he actually drew the line at resigning, maintaining there was no reason to do so. “Some Malaysians have a holier-than-thou attitude,” said Chua, complaining because people “could not accept” his apology.
He finally stepped down. “If you want to discuss my private life, please do,” he said at the press conference where he announced his resignation. “Maybe you would like to watch the videotape with me.”
All laws sound good filtered through beer goggles
Tempting offer, Chua. I’d take you up on that… maybe if I had gallons of the world’s most potent liquor coursing through my veins.
Fortunately, I know a place where the tap’s always flowing: in the Riksdag, the Swedish parliament.
“When I sat at a meeting last Tuesday at 3 o’clock there was a member of parliament who was quite intoxicated. It was really a sad sight. He was red-faced and smelled of alcohol. It was easy to see he was drunk,” said one MP.
“It’s not healthy to have such easy access to alcohol in and around one’s job,” said a group chairman who bemoaned seeing colleagues drunk on the job.
The Sobriety Group, a cross-party coalition of MPs who have pledged to remain sober, has been trying to force action on the issue. Although their spokesman wouldn’t define an exact stance, he said he wants “public restraint” during official business.
Restraint, civility, professionalism — ah yes, just the things one would expect to find in a parliament.
Drugs for every kid
Mike Gravel, a Democratic presidential candidate — whose antics have been chronicled here before — has apparently been chugging from the same keg as the Swedes. Here’s the sage advice he offered to high school students on Sunday: “I’m sure a lot of you have tripped out on alcohol. It’s a lot safer to do it on marijuana.”
“And with respect to other drugs, if you’ve got a problem with coke, go to a doctor, get a prescription and get it filled at a drug store,” he continued.
Cigars are gross
At least Gravel has the decency to respect the law, unlike the nicotine-loving Portuguese official whose job is to enforce the new ban on smoking in public places.
António Nunes, president of Portugal’s Food Standards Agency, on New Year’s Day — the first day that the ban came into effect — was photographed lighting up a cigar in a casino.
Instead of humbly offering an apology, the brazen Nunes claimed that he didn’t know casinos were included in the law that his own agency administers.
“We will have to look into what is in the law,” he offered. The Health Ministry thumbed through the text of the ban and found that yes, that cigar was illegal.
I’m not sure if Nunes is alarmingly incompetent at his job or if he’s just alarmingly incompetent at his job.