Sometimes it seems like Hollywood doesn’t have its priorities straight anymore. Film studios seem to be preoccupied with nothing but superhero sequels, movies based on board games and interminable rom-coms. But thankfully, there’s still at least one thing they’re good at: distilling a film’s premise into a two-minute clip full of quick cuts, thumping music and dramatic voiceovers. Every week, we'll serve up Hollywood’s hottest trailers without making you pay for a movie ticket. We all know the previews are the best part anyway.
The Lone Ranger
The Cast: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Helena Bonham Carter, a lot of trains
Release Date: Summer 2013
What It's About: Trains! Seriously, two-thirds of this trailer is spent on various shots of locomotives before we catch a glimpse of any of the film’s big-name cast. Even the trailer’s big finish involves Depp and Hammer engaged in a fight scene... on a train. The movie (based on the 1950s TV series) centers around a masked ex-Texas Ranger (Hammer) who fights crime in the old West with the help of his Native American sidekick Tonto (Depp). While the sneak peek we get of the film’s world is beautifully shot and the end-of-the-Old-West plotline is a fresh take, it’s still unclear why Depp is playing the second banana here and why we see so little of the film’s stars. But still, trains, you guys.
It Wouldn’t Be a Johnny Depp Movie Without: Helena Bonham Carter looking haughty and vaguely annoyed to be there.
Identity Thief
The Cast: Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy
Release Date: Feb. 8, 2013
What It's About: A mild-mannered man has his identity stolen by an enterprising thief and decides to track her down and exact justice himself. This sounds like it could be the plot summary for a grisly psychological thriller possibly starring Denzel Washington and Zoe Saldana, but instead it’s an action-packed comedy starring McCarthy, who is reliably hilarious, and Bateman, who seems to have resigned himself to a career of playing hapless nice guy losers. Not that I’m complaining; anything that gets that new Arrested Development season made. The trailer seems heavily focused on the "action" part of action-comedy, with very few laughs besides the fact that Melissa McCarthy appears to be wearing a different “Tacky Tourist” Halloween costume in every scene. Instead, there's a lot of footage of car chases, explosions and physical combat. I'm sure the unlikely team-up of comedy stars will bring the funny, but this trailer expects to be able to throw a wig on Melissa McCarthy and make us laugh. Although, to be fair, she could read the backs of cereal boxes for 90 minutes and I'd be there.
Car Accidents in the Trailer Alone: Six.
Lincoln
The Cast: Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tommy Lee Jones
Release Date: Nov. 9, 2012
What It's About: President Abraham Lincoln fights to abolish slavery and reunite a divided country to a stirring John Williams score, just in time for Oscar season. Steven Spielberg’s long-awaited take on Honest Abe firmly plants itself in both historical and modern contexts from the get-go with shots of Nelson Mandela, Iwo Jima and Ground Zero. There are battle scenes galore both on the war front and in Washington’s back rooms, and enough rousing speeches to inspire a thousand down-on-their-luck sports teams. Of course, Daniel Day-Lewis should be in his usual fine form as long as he doesn’t try to sing again. Internet criticism of his speaking voice in the trailer seems a little baseless considering that no commentator was actually alive to hear Lincoln speak. Besides, with his track record, DDL should be allowed to talk like Jar Jar Binks for the entire movie if he wants to.
Tommy Lee Jones’ Wig Makes Him Look Like: Velma with a perm.
