Pretend you are a hip, young person who uses the Internet frequently. You love “surfing the web” and reading “blogs” and opening “tabs.” Since you are so on top of the digital world, you found out about the hot new satirical/satirical? blog Stuff White People Like last week, when it started getting crazy publicity from the likes of obscure blogs to the freaking New York Times. You scrolled though it, you laughed at a couple, you wondered how this guy could keep it up without becoming lame and went on with your life.
Unfortunately, most people at Northwestern aren’t like you. They love the Internet, but aren’t up to date on what’s “new,” “hip” or “relevant.” They’ll find Stuff White People Like far after it has reached its peak, and you will start to hear about it way too much. To help prepare you for that day where this blog joins the ranks of xkcd and 2 Girls 1 Cup, Netplay hopes to offer you a handy guide to dealing with all the people who will soon bombard you with “dude, you like sushi? So white!!” comments.
1. One day soon, while frequenting your favorite wireless hotspot or pizza parlour, a nerdy friend/oblivious pal/sweaty nerd/member of the Greek community will approach you and ask “Have you seen this blog? It’s SO funny, he makes fun of white people!” They will then surely cite a few specific examples, trying to recite them the best they can. Nod your head politely and respond with a series of mildly interested “yeahs” and “mhms.”
2. Soon, the knowledge of Stuff White People Like will spread to your entire friend network, and everyone you know will get together occasionally to discuss how funny it is that white people like musical parody groups, and show anyone still not aware of the blog what they are missing, in much detail. Take this time to find a new hobby, like knitting, kite flying or deep-sea diving to get space from your frequently-giggling friends.
3. Stuff White People Like will rear its whitey head on Facebook, via quotes and statuses. Defriend these people immediately.
4. When you go out shopping, people will see fancy kitchen gadgets or bottled water and reference Stuff White People Like. Proceed to stop going out with these people.
5. Your non-white friends who enjoy Stuff White People Like will start noticing they do things featured on the blog, such as going to farmer’s markets or frequenting the country of Japan. They will make jokes about how they are really white since they do things featured on a random guy’s blog. Stare blankly at them, hoping they realize the error of their ways, but don’t say anything. You’ll be labeled a racist.
6. Eventually, a serious discussion about Stuff White People Like will come up, with various faux-intellectuals debating whether the blog is racist or just harmless fun. The debate will rage on, and feature many observations about similar cases and what would happen if a Stuff Asian People Like blog started up. Roll your eyes, but hate yourself – you chose to go to Northwestern, a school where a harmless discussion about Bambi can turn into an existential debate. Take pills.
7. A fraternity will throw a Stuff White People Like party. Congratulations, people will realize the blog is overplayed, you survived. Also, don’t go, these parties suck.