| Will Ferrell Movie | Semi-Pro |
| Step one: Create a quirky character doing a niche activity for Will Ferrell to portray. Said character has a ridiculous name. Examples include egotistical anchorman Ron Burgundy, loveable NASCAR racer-idiot Ricky Bobby and slobbish professional figure skater Chazz Michael Michaels. Also, all are alcoholics. | Meet Jackie Moon, disco nerd and owner-promoter-power forward for the American Basketball Association’s Flint Tropics. Brags about being wasted during games. |
| Step two: Set up character’s background as beloved individual adored for talent, such as his on-air personality, reckless driving or ability to figure skate to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Life seems swell. | Flint loves Jackie Moon not only for operating and playing for an ABA franchise, but also because of his hit disco single “Love Me Sexy.” Life seems swell. |
| Step three: An outsider enters the main character’s life. New threat could be a female employee, a foreign racecar driver or G.O.B. from Arrested Development. The main character responds poorly, destroys an inanimate object and drinks. | The National Basketball Association absorbs the ABA and declares only four teams can merge into the NBA. Flint is not one of them. Jackie Moon reacts poorly to this news, assaults his chair and proceeds to drink. |
| Step four: Main character must ward off new threat. Main character must either outperform female enemy, outperform foreign enemy or outperform G.O.B. from Arrested Development. | The only way to ward off the treat of folding is to finish as one of the top four teams in the league, thus earning the right to enter the NBA. Jackie Moon and the Tropics must outperform other ABA teams. Also, outperform sagging attendance. |
| Step five: Main character must be surrounded by other oddball characters played by semi-recognizable actors who will go on to star in films nobody wants to see. See Steve Carell (Evan Almighty), John C. Reily (Walk Hard), that kid who played Napoleon Dynamite (School for Scoundrels) and G.O.B. from Arrested Development (The Brothers Solomon, which shockingly does exist). | Jackie Moon is joined by actors of kinda-sorta-notability like Andre (3000) Benjamin (Four Brothers) and Andy Richter (Andy Richter Controls the Universe which, while technically a TV series, was viewed by a total of eight confused people looking for Fear Factor). |
| Step six: Don’t forget jokes! First, drop in a lot of non-sequitors, ranging from drawn-out scenes involving milk-drinking, baby Jesus or sliding around a meat locker in one’s underwear that have no relation to the plot. | Jackie Moon prances around in a sun costume. Also, an extended scene where Jackie Moon tries to throw up and, after an eternity, does. |
| Step seven: Throw in an animal of some sort for no reason, and make sure something zany happens to said creature. Examples include a dog kicked off a bridge, a cougar locked inside a car or a bear fighting figure skaters. | Jackie Moon wrestles a bear cub. Said bear cub escapes and proceeds to appear randomly throughout the rest of the film, allowing characters to yell “bear” and run around. Repeat seven times. |
| Step eight: Apply the Family Guy doctrine, which states that the least sensical and longest jokes are funniest. This could involve instances of loving lamps, a guy running around a racetrack in his underwear or that kid who played Napoleon Dynamite being hurt in some way. | I never knew the word “cocksucker” could be uttered so much in a five-minute span. Also, I’m aware people in Eastern Europe don’t speak English. No need to remind me every time the foreign character is on screen. Also, the referee is a priest. Gotcha, stop emphasizing that. Also, they wear tight shorts. |
| Step nine: Suck away any intelligence the jokes may have had, and dumb them down to the level any frat boy, redneck or homophobe can enjoy and quote frequently to their friends. Throw in a sing-a-long too. People love random musical numbers. | “Dude, Will Ferrell wore such tight shorts, you could almost see his junk! Plus, there was a fucking bear!” |
| Step ten: Release to theaters, where legions of braindead consumers will flock to see yet another Will Ferrell movie, identical to those released for the last four years. Journalism, car and gay jokes have been replaced with some new concept. Movie will open at number one. | The same movie Will Ferrell has been making for the past four years, ripe with all of the nonsense lines, throwaway gags and 70s jokes one could fit into an hour-and-a-half laughless stretch. Extremely similar to Blades of Glory, but the arena owners got the Zamboni off the ice and onto the hardwood. A mindless reminder that Will Ferrell gave up on funny years ago and is now coasting by with his usual assortment of out-of-nowhere dialogue and hit-in-the-balls slapstick. See you at the top of the box office Monday morning. |
Overall Rating: D for Didn’t I see this before?