To Whom It May Concern:
If you are finding this, then you are bearing witness to one of the greatest stories never told. No one may ever find this. No one may ever find me. Thus, my name is not important. But the things I have seen, no student at Northwestern was ever intended to see. Therefore, they must be told.
* * *
Forgive any logical gaps in my thinking. My mind is not what it once was.
The year was twenty-ought-seven. My God, how simple things seemed back then. Soulja Boy was on top of the charts, Halo 3 was sucking our lives away. There I was, starting at Northwestern University, in the McCormick School of Engineering. I was just a bushy-tailed, blue-eyed eager beaver with a head full of math and a hankering for pot. Both would contribute to my downfall.
When I heaved open the doors of Tech, muttering obscenities as I struggled against their significant resistance, the memories of my wild and hazy night were pounding on my head. Maybe it was the booze and pot. Either way, I couldn’t remember my class’s name, but it was…it was like—something with a ‘five’, maybe? Maybe an ‘x’ somewhere in there?
In a frenzy to get to class, I vainly appealed to a passerby, who only seemed to share my confusion: “Did I…I don’t think I even have a class here…what is this place? Kresge isn’t any of these buildings? Are you sure? ‘Cuz there’s a lot of buildings…made out of…stone…fucking stone. Why is everything made out of stone? I…I have no idea where I am…”
“…I’m lost.”
There was no sympathy for the tardy. The people faded away, like the last clumps of melting snow after a blizzard, and I was left utterly alone. Like Charlton Heston, I was the Last Man in Tech.
I staggered through the corridors bellowing, pleading, for anyone to show me the way. My cries echoed off the cold linoleum and were lost. I told myself not to panic. I choked back the tears in these eyes that were gazing on sterile, empty hallways. I told myself not to panic. But no matter how many times I had perused the Zombie Survival Guide, I couldn’t keep it together. I wandered aimlessly, searching for signs of life, for anything that would lead me out of this terrible labyrinth.
As I walked the halls and passed windows, I watched as daylight slowly died, leaving me alone under the calm humming of fluorescent lights. I had walked up and down so many stairs. I had no idea what floor I was on, or even which building I was in. I didn’t care. All I could think about were my wife and child, and the look…the look on their beautiful faces as the helicopter took them from me… I …
Wait. Wait.
That was I Am Legend. Nevermind.
My…my sanity was going. It was only a matter of time. Nothing on Earth could keep me sane if I didn’t find someone to talk to. There had to be someone in this labyrinth of steel, linoleum and tasteful academic posters. I began to measure my time by the scraps of media I came across. A TV here, a newspaper there and even a talking plant every once in a while. Sometimes, I would just stare at a wall until patterns and colors danced across it. After a while, I began to contemplate ditching my books and my laptop. They were only slowing me down. But, damnit. I paid thousands of dollars for them, and so help me God, they were the only thing keeping me human. The last artifacts of my former life. Knowledge and currency, these things were almost meaningless now.
That’s how I spent my days. Foraging for food in the break rooms, catching the occasional rat. I felt almost proud as I came across scraps of memos and newsletters about the decreasing pest problem. Proud, and revolted. Mostly revulsion, now that I think about it. Fuck it. I was miserable. So it was no wonder that I had a warm tide of relief come over me when I heard the heavy clang of steel cascading down the corridors.
Still shocked by the sound, I ran as fast as my malnourished legs could carry me, sneakers squeaking on the frigid floor. As I approached the room, I spied an otherworldly glow and a surge of sound spilled out of the cacophony of colors and lights. It was like being in a Daft Punk video.
I stumbled in as the light and sound washed over me, running over my senses like hot, melted caramel. It was glorious to hear something so new and unknown. Suddenly, I missed my pot. This would have been fucking tight. I cautiously made my way closer, the light beckoning me with its dancing patterns.
Suddenly, I heard a shrieking German accent shout, “SHTEP BACK!! YOU ARE INTERRUPTING ZE DEMONSTRATION!!”
I found myself eyes-to nose-hairs with a tall, gangly mad-scientist. As Hitler-With-Glasses screamed for me to move, I saw his hands frantically working the controls of a vast, complex machine.
“YOU, DEAR FRIEND, ARE SECONDS AWAY FROM VITNESSINK ZE DAWN UF A NEW AGE!!”
A terrible crescendo started welling up from the machine in front of us. Sound and light were converging in a terrible calamity as the dials on the control panel went to their limit. I backed away as the tremendous din reached critical mass. I feared the machine would take all of Tech with it in a blinding oblivion of explosive light.
And then it stopped.
With a light “VYOOOOM”, a single shaft of glowing green plasma extended from an aperture in front of us. The shaft was no more than two and a half feet, and it produced a pleasant, subtle humming noise. And then I realized what it was: this German had invented a lightsaber.
“That’s IT?!?” I screamed. “All that…for THIS?!?”
“Ja , ist a Laser Dildo.“ The German was perplexed at my outburst. “ Of course, the boys in PR vill come up vith a more acceptable name, but zis is my pet name for it. The pinnacle uf my scientific career. With this…this laser dildo, I have bested GOD HIMSELF!!”
I was dumbfounded. “You…you invented a lightsaber. I mean, it’s cool, it’s just kind of a letdown after all the fireworks I just saw.”
The German’s perplexity grew: “Lightsaber? Was ist?”
“You know…Star Wars?” I can’t believe he didn’t know. “You’ve never seen Star Wars?”
“Nein.”
I sighed.
TWO HOURS LATER…
The German’s fists quivered with rage. “I…I haf been BETRAYED!! Zis… George Lucas…he has stolen zat which I have worked towards for SO LONG! Zis achievement vas supposed to be OURS, the one thing that would bring our enemy’s DOWNFALL! It is MEANINKLESS now!! ALL OF IT!”
“Whoa, whoa, dude—“
But the German was inconsolable. He flew into a rage, tearing into things, wires, equipment. Sparks started flying and the dials went crazy. I tried to grab hold of him, but he was a force of nature. A burst of smoke spewed forth from the machinery in front of us and I decided it was time to split.
I stared back just in time to see the growing conflagration burst into a supernova of light. And that was the last I saw before I blacked out.
When I awoke, I didn’t know the time. I didn’t even know where I was. Eventually, I just got up and started walking. After the horrors of the German’s outburst, I had no idea what awaited me in my travels. All I knew was that I was utterly alone. I was no longer a freshman at Northwestern University.
That man I was is dead. Now, I am a wanderer, condemned…
…to spend my days …
…LOST IN TECH!
***
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And Now, a Very Special Message from Former U.S. President Richard Nixon:
Hello, I’m Former U.S. President Richard Nixon.
As you listen to my husky voice, and hear my jowwwwwls flop, let me tell you about drrrug use. As you’ve just read, our plucky Hero got into his predicament from a little too much of the Mary Jane. Now, I’m gonna make ooone thing clearrrr…I smoke marijuana, and it’s dammmnn good. There’s nothing wrong with taking a few hits from that mmmagic bubbler every now and then, just don’t be a dumbass. And neverrrr rrrrape a session…nobody likes a kid without any of his own weed to smoke. You know who you arrrre. I’m talking to you, Kissingerrrr. Just, don’t hog the bong, kids. And nowwww, you knowww…and knowwwing is half the battllle. And rrremember, buy Robocop on VHS this Tuesday, wherever fine audiovisual products are solllld.