Read the previous installment here.
I awoke to a blinding light overhead, which only aggravated my headache. Sean Connery was lying comatose next to me. This cell was much cleaner and brighter than our previous lodgings, and one wall was covered entirely by a one-way mirror. Aside from the two medical beds that Sean and I were strapped to, the only furniture was a single metal stool.
The door swung open, admitting a single Nazi in a lab coat. He carried a clipboard, and promptly announced to us, “Please be removing your clothes.”
I was a little confused: “Wait, what?”
The Nazi cut me off: “EH?!”
“I thought—“
“HUH?”
“Why—“
“IT IS UF NO CONCERN TO YOU. Take zem off. NOW. You vill no longer be needing them.”
“Well,” Sean remarked as he came to, “I see we’re skipping the foreplay. Just the way I like it.”
“AMERIKANER PIG DOG! You vill be silent and obey,” the Nazi growled.
“What is it you want?” Sean shouted, “Do you expect me to talk?”
The Nazi nodded matter-of-factly: “Yes. Or I will kill you and then your friend.”
Sean was dumbfounded. “Oh,” he said, “Well…I, uh…you…YOURMOTHERWASAWHORE!”
The Nazi exploded with rage and smacked him across the face. “MYMOTHERVASASAINT!!!” Sean shook off the blow as the Nazi calmed down. He took a deep breath and puffed up his chest before sneering at us and calmly saying, “Perhaps it is best that I let der Kommandant deal vith you right avay.”
“Oh,” Sean said, “Is this the part where I bend over?”
“You go ahead cracking vise, Amerikaner…you might be surprised,” the Nazi said through a devilish smile.
He exited the room. Sean and I waited for a moment with nervous anticipation. We kind of stared at the ceiling for a while, and then Sean broke the awkward silence:
“So—I never did get your story, lad.”
“Well,” I started, “I got high and couldn’t remember where my class was…ended up taking a detour that lasted several weeks…met a mad scientist with a lightsaber…tried to catch a monkey…long story short, monkey betrayed me, here I am.”
As I finished, he was staring at me with an incredulous look on his face.
I hastily added, “So, yeah…that’s, uh…that’s pretty much it.”
He still stared.
Then, with the hushed but tense voice of a golf announcer, he spoke:
“That’s the most fantastic story I’ve ever heard.
I’ve tangled with one or two primates in my lifetime…they can be shifty buggers. Laddie, when we get out of here, I’m gonna buy you a drink, but it’s gotta be scotch, and I expect to hear the whole story. And I’ll tell you about the time I discovered an entire civilization of sentient gorillas deep within the African wilderness. I’ll tell you, for all the time they spend picking each other’s hair, they sure hate it when you cop a feel.”
The Nazi came back in with rubber gloves and goggles. Sean and I looked at each other apprehensively. “Now,” he said, “You face ze Komman—”
WHAM!
The door flew open, clocking the Nazi in the nose. The Nazi yelped in pain and sank to the ground, blubbering and holding his bleeding snout.
A tall, foreboding figure stepped through the doorway. It was, quite possibly, the most beautiful Nazi ever. It was a woman.
I mean, I respect the male figure, but, I would never call it “beautiful”. You know. Just to clear that up. I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong. I’m just not.
Anyway, she had small, round spectacles, and her platinum-blond hair was pulled up in a tight bun under her officer’s cap. On her left hand, there were 6 fingers. And on her shoulder, a monkey.
The monkey.
I refused to make eye contact.
Sean whispered to me, “So that’s the little hooligan…he has the eyes of Mr. Hyde himself…and I should know! I played cards with the monster a few times, and he’s a terrible cheat.”
The Nazi took a moment to regard her fallen comrade, who was softly crying, “Mein….meine Nase…Sie…Sie haben sie gebrochen…”
The blond Nazi was only perplexed: “Vat’s wrong vith yoah eyes? Is—are zose TEARS? Are you CRYINK? Go clean yourself up…report back to me afterwards.”
The crying Nazi stumbled out of the room, still sobbing softly to himself.
“Now!” said the Nazi as she thrust her chin upwards, “Let’s get ze introductions out of ze vay. I…am the Kommandant. But you may also call me Elsa. I believe ze monkey and ze boy haf…already met?”
The monkey avoided my gaze, looking up at the light, then over at Sean. I just glared and smoldered.
“Anyvay, I think it’s time we get down to business,” said Elsa. “I have your vonderous machine in my laboratories, Mr. Sean Connery, but I don’t know how to verk it.”
“Well,” Sean purred seductively, “I might be persuaded to tell you how it works.”
This guy had balls. BRASS BALLS. I sat back in awe as he worked his magic.
The Nazi smirked, and cocked her head to the side: “Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Connery? How quaint.”
“Hey,” laughed Sean, “I’m always up for a little role-play; you know, you, the stern Nazi taskmaster, me the poorly behaving Nazi private in need of discipline.”
Elsa kept smiling, and calmly stated: “If you say one more vord about sexual relations, Klaus ze monkey vill slice off your scrotum at the base, Mr. Connery.”
The monkey let out a questioning, “Ook?”
“Yes, Klaus. You vill,” Elsa replied.
I had had ENOUGH. “NO YOU WON’T, KLAUS!” I screamed from my bed. “Not after all we’ve been through…”
“Remember that time when you tried to claw my eyes out? I thought we had something…I thought we shared something special…I…I gave you my bratwurst.
“You…you liked it. There was something in your eyes…it might have just been the song, but I felt SOMETHING then; tell me you felt it, too…”
The tears welled up in both of our eyes. Klaus was frozen on the stool…his little monkey lip quivering.
Then Elsa shouted, “ENOUGH! You vill TELL ME HOW TO VERK THE MACHINE OR I WILL CHOP THE BOY’S BALLS OFF!”
Sean couldn’t help but let one slip: “You just gotta work the rods a little bit—GAH! Wait—”
“COMING OFF!” yelled Elsa. I started screaming hysterically as Elsa pulled a switchblade from her bosom and ripped open my jeans. The killing blow was about to strike. My future children’s lives flashed before my eyes.
Then, all of a sudden, Klaus leapt, screaming a monkey war-cry and smashing a fistful of feces in Elsa’s face. As she screamed in a high-pitched wail of agony, the switchblade fell to the bed near my hands. After some stretching, I managed to pick it up and cut my arm loose. The rest of the restraints soon followed, all the while with Elsa screaming, “KLAUS!! You have BETRAYED US ALL! I VILL HAVE YOU SHOT! Ach…mein eyes…” I stood shaking for a while, recovering from my near brush with sterility.
Klaus sheepishly waddled up to me. He made a noise as if asking for forgiveness.
“Naw, monkey. I’m pretty fucking far from okay.”
Klaus replied: “Ook ak?”
“What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma get my friend Sean over here, a real hard, pipe-hittin’ mothahfuckah, who’ll go to work on the Hun here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, Nazi girl? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.”
“Eek oo?”
“Oh, THAT what now. I tell you what now between me and you. There is no me and you. Not no more.”
Klaus was sad: “Oo-oo?”
“Nah, we cool, monkey. How could I resist a cute little buddy like you?” I winked, and Klaus and I embraced in a good, long, monkey hug.
Then Sean piped up: “When you two are finished crying over your feelings and eating ice cream, I could really use some busting out here!”
I obliged. Sean proceeded to tie the Nazi up. I stammered, “We—we’re not gonna go medieval on her ass?”
“No, laddie,” Sean replied, “It was a nice quote, and it fit the situation, but I’m not gonna kill this lass. Besides, we have bigger fish to fry.”
“The time machine, right?” I asked.
“Correctamundo, laddie. We need to find that machine before the armies of darkness use it to march over the entire face of the earth once more. After that, I can make a quick stop in whatever time you want and get you outta this place. And then…it’s time for a shag.”
“Wait, for me, or for you?” I said.
“Me. But you’re a cheeky lad, you could probably bag a lass if you put your mind to it.”
“Uh…got it…so where to now?”
Klaus piped up with an excited, “Oo-AAH-ee-ah-OOK-eekAH!”
“What’s that, Klaus?” I asked. “You know where the machine is?”
“Ook-AK!”
“And you’ll take us there?” I excitedly asked.
“Ook!”
“Right-o, lad,” Sean said, “And the game is on.”
And Now, A Very Special Message from Dr. Sigmund Freud:
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Hallo. My name is Doctor Sigmund Freud. I am here to provide a detailed analysis of zis work of fiction, “Lost in Tech.”
I look at zis story, and all I see is penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis penis. Monkey penis. Zees men, who have written this obviously think about veiny penises all ze time, all day, everyday, every vaking hour. Zey look at a column and ze think: “Oh. There’s a penis holding a building up.” Ze look at a bus and think, “Oh. It’s a penis rolling along ze road. Vith people inside.” Zey see a penis, zey think, “Oh. Zat is a beautiful penis. I vill surely fantasize about it for at least another hour and a half.” Zey write about Sean Connery, zey are thinking, “Zis man is known for his penis. We must haf him for our story.” Ze slight uncomfortable nature of ze narrator in potentially sexually confusing situations is a slight manifestation of a deep-seated love of ze penis. Zis is as clear as day, I think anyone could come up vith ze same conclusions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off writing another Psychology paper so I gets my smack. I needs ze coke. Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.