The Northwestern football team needs some help. After the last two weeks, the people I know who were excited about maybe going to a bowl game are now saying we should just scrap the whole program alltogether. Even though that’s probably the correct course of action, it isn’t going to happen, so instead of dwelling on the negatives (the long, long list of negatives), lets focus our collective hate on the University of Michigan, the Wildcat’s next opponent.
Because the only way we are going to beat the Wolverines is with the help of a rage-filled blog post mocking them with Internet info.
First off, I don’t have anything against the fine people of Michigan or students in Ann Arbor – on the contrary, there are plenty of good people from both. But we are talkin’ sports, and once athletics come into a discussion, all logic goes out the window and good old American contempt becomes the norm. With that out the way, have you ever heard the Michigan fight song? “Hail to the Victors?” NU’s fight song isn’t anything spectacular, but it certainly isn’t annoying as this:
Added hatrid points for having Captain Picard conduct it. Nothing like an outdated cultural reference internet nerds love conducting your band. I heard the “All Your Base Are Belong to Us” guy needs work, maybe he can teach a class. But tradition isn’t the only thing that blows at U of M! Nope, check out this slideshow, one of many videos on YouTube made by sad, sad Wolverine fans who know what Google Image Search is. Extra points for P.O.D.
But we really shouldn’t be criticizing Michigan’s football team, not with our proud history of suckatude. Instead, lets use the tried and true strategy of celebrating our academic superiority. According to the Michigan alumni Wiki page, here are a few of the more, uhh, notable graduates:
- Ann Coulter, super bitch
- Dr. Kevorkian
- Ted Kaczynski, better know as the freakin Unabomber
- Worst of all, Lucy Liu, star of cinematic gems like Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle and Codename: The Cleaner.
I could go on and on and on, but for the sake of space, let me sum it up for you:
Everything wrong in one clip. Amazingly horrible dialogue (“Wake up Kalamazoo”), bad facial stubbery and, most importantly, his shirt. You know those people who use their hand as a map of Michigan? AMERICA’S HIGH-FIVE????? How do you people sleep at night!!! And Sufjan’s Illinois is a billion times better than Michigan.
Thanks to my dorkish rage, I can now safely say Michigan is reeling, and NU will now shine Saturday. Final score – NU 21, Michigan…..I don’t know, like 48? But we’ll get three touchdowns, that’s pretty swell!