Wine and cheese parties are usually something snobbish adults throw on Friday night to “unwind from the weekday grind.” To them, I say, what’s wrong with The Keg? For one of my friends, a Communication junior, wine and cheese parties became an obsession. He wishes to remain anonymous, for reasons that will become apparent, but The Party Art recently had a chance to sit down with him and get some of his advice.
How did you get into throwing wine and cheese parties?
I got into wine and cheese parties because I got tired of the usual fundraiser party. Living in my dorm, that’s really all I knew about that year. So I decided to establish my superiority by throwing wine and cheese parties in my room. Soon, other people were walking by and looking enviously at the wine and cheese. Of course, I would deny them the right to participate. It was a status symbol, really.
How often would you throw these parties?
Every Wednesday around 9 or 10 p.m. But once the wine and cheese became free, it was probably a bit more often.
Why did the wine and cheese become free?
The wine and cheese was complimentary because I stole it from the fine establishment known as Whole Foods. The habit started one day when I wanted a Pink Lady Apple and the line was out the door. I just decided to walk right out the door with it — it was like an Oliver Twist apple — and after that I decided I would just steal everything I saw, ever.
Did you eventually get caught?
Yes. It was my friend’s birthday and I wanted to throw a fantastic wine and cheese party. But I got a little greedy — I was a little hubris that day — and didn’t adhere to my strategy that carefully. So on my way out, a security guard stopped me and escorted me into the back room, where chaos ensued.
How did Whole Foods handle the situation?
It was really bizarre. It kind of had the feel of a dark comedy. I didn’t really take the whole thing seriously, and they thought the situation was silly. They only called the police because I had stolen over $100 worth of items. I think it was something like $101.
The manager was shocked, though. He wondered why someone who went to such a nice, expensive university would need to steal food. He asked if I couldn’t afford it and I told him that wasn’t the case — I just enjoyed doing it. So he began to empty my bag and admired the cheese and wine I had stolen. He liked the way I had paired them, the way the cheese complemented the wine. He turned to me and said, “Good taste, poor choices.” If my life were a movie, that’d be the tag line.
How would you recommend other students throw wine and cheese parties?
Purchase it. Don’t steal it. Do research online. I first found cheese that I really liked or wine that I really liked. Then I would go online and figure out what went well with that particular wine or cheese. These days, a lot of wine bottles actually recommend a cheese or a dish that will complement the taste of the wine. I know Whole Foods, World Market and Wine Styles will all give you recommendations if you ask.
Should you always keep wine and cheese parties elitist?
Not necessarily. It would be a great way to unwind with friends on Dillo Day. There are places where you can find really cheap wine. The Big Red Monster is a good one. Black Box actually makes a surprisingly good boxed wine. It’s about $20 and holds around four bottles. EV1 sells both of those.
Would you steal again?
No. I’m not going to risk getting arrested again. I’m actually banned from Whole Foods, but I still go in there sometimes with a hat on, to purchase a few things. I definitely don’t go in there with a bag, though. I don’t want them to single me out from the get-go.
[Clarification: The original article did not disclose that the anonymous source is friends with the writer. North by Northwestern regrets the error.]