Recently, I was listening to an episode of National Public Radio’s This American Life when I realized what I disliked about The Keg. In this episode, titled “With Great Power,” Ira Glass and his hipster team discover a family who found themselves terrorized by a crazy neighbor. The neighbor carved the words “bitch” and “whore” in their front lawn with weed killer, killed their cats and — most terrifyingly of all — watched them all night long from his pickup truck, hoping they would notice.
Now, you might be thinking, “Ryan, I’ve seen those chrome-domed 50-year-olds at The Keg, and I don’t like them, either.” No, no, that’s not my issue. In fact, I think every bar should have some of those guys. Want a free drink? Just start stroking the braided beard of the guy in the tattered leather jacket.
Really, my main complaint with The Keg is a group of girls that I call “The Watchers.” If you aren’t already too laced-up on those $6 beer pitchers, you might notice these girls standing atop the back tables like drunken giraffes, delicately sipping on their Long Islands while simultaneously trying to pull down their skimpy dresses every time a guy with a braided beard walks by. Yes, like the creepy cat-killing man in This American Life, The Watchers are only interested in one thing: being seen.
There are a few things — the aforementioned giraffes, for one, and perhaps even a few health code violations — that you must ignore altogether if you want to have a good time at The Keg. Sure, the bar can be fun, but why go every week when there is an entire safari of wildlife to be found in the bars of Chicago? If you want to expand your bar-animal horizons, here are three other classy venues (and of course, their respective exotic wildlife).
Prost!
2566 N. Lincoln Ave
Don’t let Prost!’s spartan interior scare you away. Grab a seat on one of the wooden benches and order yourself “Das Boot.” That’s right, a full 2-liter glass of authentic German beer. And if your stomach can handle it, be sure to order some of their delicious German food. The soft pretzel is a must.
Animal of choice: The dangerous DePaul grad student.
The Violet Hour
1520 N. Damen Ave.
From the outside, The Violet Hour looks like a rundown warehouse without a sign in sight. But inside, the darkened, fairy tale-like interior lives up to its hip Wicker Park location. You don’t go to The Hour for the decor — it’s the drinks that are out of sight. Bartenders — who go by mixologists here — conjure up some of the most unique and best-tasting drinks in the city.
Animal of choice: The elusive, thirty-something socialite.
The Pump Room
1301 N. State Pkwy.
Famed for being Frank Sinatra’s old hangout, The Pump Room retains that classic 1950s feel. While a meal here can be a bit pricey for those on a college budget, it’s a great after-dinner bar for you and your date. The drinks are fantastic, but the Sinatra-reminiscent band is even better. Even though they’ve recently relaxed their jacket policy, it’s still a fun bar to get dressed up for. Perhaps a great post-formal location?
Animal of choice: The prowling, after-hours executive.
Of course, The Keg is only a few blocks away, and, for most people, I realize that the giraffes are only a minor drawback to its beautifully beer-and-disease-glossed floors and odorous, graffiti-infested bathrooms. I’m certainly not going to drive the giraffes to extinction — so if you do end up at The Keg, just ignore them along with the rest of the atrocities.