‘Tis the season to stock up on supplies. You’ve sapped your friends’ booze, stolen as much free New Student Week shit as possible, and loaded up on enough Northwestern notebooks in Norris to last you until graduation. There’s only one thing left to hoard, and chances are you’ve been putting it off for as long as possible: school supplies. That’s right, the cruel reminder that, squeezed in between all the fun parts of college, you also have to go to class. No matter how important books, paper or TI-89s might be, anyone who’s ever shown up to a three-hour lecture, only to discover they’ve forgotten a pen, will learn to appreciate the tool once called “mightier than the sword.” Here are some pens to help you rock it out, in style or absurdity.
For the frat brother, football player, or any college student who wouldn’t mind tormenting themselves during class:
The Pizza Pen serves the brilliant function of writing fluidly and letting you test your will power. When you’re starving, trapped in class, and have no snacks in sight, writing with a pen that looks somewhat convincingly like pizza will help distract you from your class work and probably give you hunger pains. For extra fun, give it to a vegetarian, and watch them squirm to resist not just the pizza, but the fake pepperoni. Ah, forbidden fruit.
For sorority girls or Sarah Palin:
Anyone uncomfortable leaving the house without lipstick on but who can’t be bothered by things like taking notes and learning might find this novelty a helpful trick. The Lipstick Pen looks (surprise!) semi-convincingly like lipstick. Use it to jot down crucial calc notes, but be careful you don’t forget its true purpose, lest you look like a dumb shit.
For chain smokers and arsonists
If I had a nickel for every time I had a pen and wished it had a fire-starting capacity… I couldn’t even afford a latte at Starbucks. That being said, I am neither a smoker nor an arsonist. I can imagine that smokers may use lighters as frequently as they use pens, so that has an obvious purpose. And should you be overcome by your frustrated desire to burn down Tech in the middle of the night, well… you were just trying to do homework, right?
For the Rubik’s Cuber:
Northwestern’s current student body includes the former world record-holder for fastest Rubik’s Cube solver. Planning to take him on? You’ll need a hell of a lot of practice. Multitask learning and training for the Cube throwdown during class with the Puzzle Pen. It works in a fundamentally similar, but probably much simpler way. Just be careful you don’t break it out of frustration and spend the rest of your Orgo lecture up a stream without a paddle.
For the class clown and/or me:
My absolute favorite pen I’ve seen so far has got to be the Piss Pen. Tiled to look like a public restroom, this pen is topped with a little white cherub, grabbing himself defiantly. All the instructions are in Japanese, but I assume you fill him up somehow, because he definitely features a peeing function, complemented by bobble-head action. My birthday is October 23, people.
For hairy men. OK, let’s be fair… for hairy folks:
Five o’clock shadow getting you down? Tired of not noticing that unsightly chin hair until after you get to class? For anyone who ever requires hair removal as an afterthought, the Shaver Pen is a convenience whose services you must earn—you figure out how to subtly use an electric razor in public, and this pen can help you make it look like you’re just actively inquisitive. Not by any means intended for the absent-minded pen nibbler.