If, like me, you happen to be a clumsy person, then you know the terrible danger and fear our kind is constantly exposed to. Anything you encounter could be potentially hazardous. While normal people function without incident, you could lose an eye trying to microwave a Lean Cuisine. Our special breed of klutz has grown accustomed to seeing weapons and threats everywhere: hidden in household objects, on the street and in our own bedrooms. Well, now our poised and coordinated counterparts can have a taste of the world as we know it, with normal items specifically designed to harm others.
Bat and Shield table
So picture this scenario: you’re sitting in your favorite armchair, a hot or cold beverage resting on the table next to you, when suddenly, in pops a terrorist. Or something. With no options for self defense in sight, you succumb to joining his organization, leave your home and your family, and spend the rest of your life making bombs out of gum wrappers and battery acid in a cave somewhere. And to think, all that trouble could have been avoided if resting beneath your hot or cold beverage was an art-deco table that disassembles into a bat and shield. As long as your security is more valuable than whatever you may have resting on the table, it seems like a worthwhile investment to me. Otherwise you’re just letting the terrorists win, or something.
Stuffed animal “sweet hidden knife”
Everyone loves knives, and it’s pretty easy to find different incarnations of ways to hide them: lipstick tubes, pens, belt buckles (which always strike me as being a little too close for comfort) and the infamous sword cane. If there is any indication that this trend is cool and fun, then it’s this pre-teen’s how-to on Instructables.com. This playful children’s lesson teaches you how to hide a blade inside of a stuffed animal. When I was little, the edgiest arts and crafts I did came with safety scissors.
Shotgun/rifle hideaway coffee table
Okay, so you’re not willing to compromise aesthetics to have a table that can defend you in and of itself. Or maybe a bat just isn’t intimidating enough for you. Courtesy of the fine NRA-lovin’ folks at gun suppliers everywhere, there’s now a wide selection of tables, couches and other home necessities you can use to kill or maim. These housewares are specifically designed to open or detach, giving you immediate access to a shotgun, machete, chainsaw or whatever unwieldy four-foot device you need at the ready.
Reverse Psychology or PAPC furniture
So furniture can hide weapons or be weapons, a fact people as uncoordinated as me are well aware of at all times, lest we run out of usable toes. Just to keep you on the toes you have left, a British artist began the Peace Art Project Cambodia in November 2003 to repurpose machine guns and heavy artillery into art and ultimately furniture. And while this furniture isn’t actually dangerous, those of you accustomed to coexisting with chairs and tables safely can now truly relate to the terror the clumsier of us feel when we enter a room full of stuff. Empathy, darlings. Let’s all hope the rocking chair isn’t loaded.