The Junk Pile is a weekly column that finds order in the chaos. Humor in the inanimate. Fun shit from a list of random crap. Or something.
Any college campus is its own world, with different rules, different trends and different survivalist adaptations required. Northwestern is no exception. However, unlike most colleges, we have our own great mix of uncomfortable, if not life-threatening, obstacles thrown at us each day (both metaphorically and literally — have you ever been near-blinded by a fistful of flyers flung in your direction at the rock? Trust me, it’s not pretty.). Since you’re facing challenges ranging from Chicago’s unpredictable weather to the winding annals of Tech, certain supplies can help you get through any subject in Northwestern’s School of Life — if you can get a break from homework to audit a lesson.
In case of exhaustion
Are we night owls? Usually. Sleep-deprived? You betcha. Even rarer than raging keggers or healthy relationships, sleep is probably one of the most evasive necessities at Northwestern. Here to help is the Selkbag, a wearable sleeping bag. It’s more like a puffy jumpsuit with an elastic hood, but if you don’t mind curling up in Kresge looking like a hung over Michelin Man, there’s a good chance no one will recognize you.
In case of injury
Okay cyclists, I’m calling you out. I’ll admit, you look pretty cool whizzing past my uncoordinated self, making my 20-minute commute to Tech look like a sacrificial pilgrimage, but the one area where I always feel superior is when I see those sidewalk butt prints on drizzly days. To help keep you from sullying your reputations, go the futuristic, high-tech and classier route with the Bike Capsule. Intended for cars and motorcycles, it’s an inflatable PVC dome that can be used to shield your bike from its dangerous surroundings. Just hope any potential thieves are too distracted by those U-locks to notice your bike is pretty much swathed in bubble wrap.
In case of sobriety
We’re notoriously over-involved in the hundreds of extracurriculars. We have challenging courses, internships and work-study jobs. We do our best to squeeze in normal college experiences, like getting blackout-drunk, but sometimes when we overbook, we lose sight of the important things. Like getting blackout-drunk. Here to help you save time and visits with Mary Desler is the Beer Belly. This fake stomach (actually a pouch in which you can store any forbidden beverage) will enable you to pregame in class, at the College Dems meeting or wherever you’re stuck waiting to be dismissed to Thirsty Thursday. (Also available in a women’s version, the Wine Rack. You get the idea.)
In case of animal attack
Even more dangerous than touchy-feely freshmen or Christian recruiters on campus is Northwestern’s abundant and aggressive wildlife. Our squirrels will stare you down for that bagel you’re holding, but the bigger, scarier, meaner and rabid-er offenders are hands-down the raccoons. Have you ever had one pounce on you from the arch as you passed below it? You’re missing out on the most quintessential, cliché Northwestern experience: having a prominent on-campus landmark actively try to kill you. I’m a former vegan and a card-carrying zoo member who wouldn’t normally condone violence toward animals, but in the face of combat, I recommend you unleash terror on those little bastards. A non-fatal, subtle way to do that could be with the Tampon Stun Gun Protector. Inconspicuous enough that you won’t freak out your friends or get caught packing heat on campus, this fully-powered, pocket-sized stun gun could have you prepared to fend off the REAL security risks on campus. Plus, according to the Web site, “its fresh floral scent helps eliminate the smell of fear, not just cover it up.” Just, for the love of God, don’t forget its true purpose.
In case of low self-esteem
Have you ever sat in the back of a lecture hall and looked up, only to see a sea of Facebook pages staring back at you? Yeah. We Facebook. A lot. And even more important than making sure you don’t have any incriminating photos on your homepage is making sure you don’t have any shitty ones. (Northwestern just got yet ANOTHER gossip blog, reaffirming our love to judge our peers.) Help avoid those embarrassing, blurry late-night-at-the-Keg shots with the quikpod, which eliminates the Myspace-esque self-portrait, bordered by your picture-taking arm.
