The pork thief
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    Photo by Phillie Casablanca on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

    I wore a hat of pork
    not a porkpie hat, mind you
    but a hat made of pork that had been cured so thoroughly that it would never rot
    the snout was at the front of the brim and the curly tail stuck out the back

    an old crone crept up among the bushes on my walk to school
    she had on a smelly trench coat and a tattered, paisley shawl

    WHATS THAT ON YER HEAD!?

    go away!

    WHATS THAT ON YER HEAD!?

    get out of here!

    IS THAT BACON I SMELL?

    no, it’s pork!

    GIVE IT HERE!

    fuck you, lady!

    spittle covered her lips
    I stared at her and tried to look real mean
    she wasn’t having it

    I WANT TO SEE IT! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!

    I don’t care about your damn emergencies!

    MY SON IS VERY SICK, AND HE’LL ONLY EAT PORK! HE INSISTS ON IT!

    that’s a bullshit story!

    DON’T SWEAR AT ME YOUNG MAN, I’M OLDER AND WISER THAN YOU!

    will you get out of here already?

    DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

    you aren’t getting my hat. scram!

    HELP HELP!! THIS BOY’S ATTACKING ME!!

    a man who was passing by at that time turned and stared.

    just what do you think you’re doing, boy?

    I’m not doing anything!!

    HE TRIED TO TAKE MY MONEY! LOOK AT ME, I ONLY HAVE A FEW PENNIES AND I’M DEFENSELESS! WHO WOULD ATTACK SOMEONE LIKE ME?

    the man pinned me to the ground: who do you think you are bullying an old lady like that?

    my precious pork hat toppled off and the lady snickered and snatched it up.
    my hat! I gasped. but she was already skipping away, singing this tune:

    I look old and i look slow
    but don’t think that i’m thick
    cause if ya do, yer bound ta know
    I’LL TAKE YER PORK REAL QUICK

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