North by Northwestern

At Northwestern, we have lots of things to our advantage – a heralded football team, balmy weather year round and nonstop trips to Chicago. However, all too often, life gets rough. There are those irascible problems that seem to have no easy solution. Thankfully, As Seen on TV is set to introduce a new line of products to deal with our myriad of pressing issues, from not having enough hot cookie bar in our lives to the anxiety-inducing mail trips to Plex. Below, browse the latest solutions to your most pressing needs in life, and contemplate how much easier yours will soon be.

Problem: It’s a bleak, dark winter night, the sun already down for hours. As you sit in Hinman Dining Hall, putting back plate after plate of generic cafeteria mush, nothing but the joys of hot cookie bar will soothe your seasonal-affective sadness. Then you realize – Hot Cookie Bar is at Sargent tonight. As you stare at the plates of picked-over food before you, tears well in your eyes, and soon, flowing rivers of molten cookie dough ferment in your brain.

Solution: As Seen on TV’s Insta-Flash Cookie Dough Melter – Dealing with unbearable hot cookie dough cravings at every meal? Or maybe every single second of the day? This is your fix. Pop in any flavor cookie dough, press Go, and within 30 seconds your Insta-Flash pops out steaming, sugary goodness. Perfect for those with no regard for their public image or fear of the Freshman 50.

Problem: You eagerly sit down outside of Frontera Fresco, buzzer in hand. Minutes, then seconds, tick down until you’re paged; Your glorious chicken quesadilla is finally ready. You eagerly lick your chops as you walk back to the table, thoughts of savory-sweet cheese racing in your mind. That is, until you sit down, when you realize that your quesadilla is floating in a puddle of grease, rendered nearly inedible.

Solution: As Seen on TV’s Supersonic Flash-Food-Soggy Vacuum – For the frequent Frontera diner, this device is a must. After receiving your meal, simply deposit your plate in the device, and within moments, the machine’s patented grease-suction fans work their magic. Soon enough, your food is as fresh as if it really came from south of the border, as opposed to being from Norris' finest “authentic” Mexican joint.

Problem: Like any other high-functioning Northwestern student, you’re constantly lugging around approximately two tons of textbooks. While you struggle to cram as many books into your backpack as possible, inevitably some overflow into your arms. By the time you return home, you frantically struggle to balance every book in one arm while digging for your keys deep inside your pocket. With a thunderous crash, books clatter to the ground, dreams shatter and you remain stuck outside your building.

Solution: EZ Door Buddy – No way to carry keys with everything else you have to carry? No problem! Simply place the EZ Door Buddy around your neck, and every barrier in your way disappears. The device sends out a signal as you approach a building, summoning the closest person available to the door, allowing you to breeze inside without a struggle.

Problem: You’ve got your friend’s sweater/textbook/contraband stashed in your room, and you have to run upstairs to grab it. Sadly, what should be a painless, two-minute task hits a wall the moment you step in the door. There, the border checkpoint that is the security desk blocks your path. You’re forced to pull out WildCARDs, list off room numbers and count down the wasted minutes of your life, until you’re finally free to go about your business.

Solution: Super-Duper Security Sleep Ray – If you need just a hot moment to slip by the security guard, this device is your ticket to success. Simply point, shoot and your security guard is temporarily incapacitated, put into a daze for just a few seconds. Soon enough, you’ll be breezing through into your dorm, instead of facing a TSA-level shakedown every single time you enter the building.

Problem: Stuck in Tech all day, an email suddenly catches your attention – you’ve received a package. Oh, happy days! Waves of joy overcome you as that forgotten impulse purchase from Amazon brightens your afternoon. Then, horror! You realize you have no time until next early December to make the trip down to Plex, keeping that all-important package out of reach.

Solution: Northwestern’s No Pain No Effort Delivery Service – Introducing Northwestern’s newest solution for your package needs, the No Pain No Effort Service brings your packages directly to you at no extra cost. Using unemployed Oompa Loompas down on their luck since the last Willy Wonka movie, shipments are carried directly to any location on campus, North or South. Perfect for those who haven’t been south of Foster since Wildcat Welcome Week, or just any lazy Plex student unable to make the trek downstairs.