Once you’ve actually found someone to sleep with, gotten over “my place or yours?” and you’re standing in the drugstore pharmacy section, the question is no longer should you use a condom—but which condom should you use? To help you make the somewhat insurmountable decision, North by Northwestern asked staff and readers to weigh in on some specialty condoms commonly available at both CVS and Searle. The options range anywhere from interesting to illogical—the contraceptive industry has more features than a Ronco gadget—but take our advice on this one: Testers found that most are gimmicky bullshit, but thinness is definitely in.
Intellx Dolphin Condoms
Dolphins are known for their grace and intelligence. Using Intellx’s dolphin-shaped condom will give you neither, the testers say, but the vaguely bottlenose-shaped reservoir tip “will squish the head of the penis.” The claim that it’ll hit your G-spot better, unsurprisingly, is not true. “The latex is a bit thicker than most and the lubricant is better than Trojan, but other than the novelty value, it’s nothing special.”
Trojan Ultra Pleasure Condoms
The “ultra” in this line of condoms is actually just a slightly widened head, the added “wiggle room” of which is supposed to give more sensation and sensitivity to both partners. But our test couple “didn’t feel any difference” from regular condoms. Surprisingly, the prospect of “wiggles” didn’t do anything for them.
Trojan Twisted Pleasure Condoms
The reason it’s “worth the gimmick,” according to one tester, is because this twisted version of a ribbed condom actually has visible texture. The deeper ribbing adds friction and girth for “substantial intensity” on her part. As for him, well, there was “no real difference.”
Kimono Micro-Thin Condoms
“If you’re one of those people who absolutely despises protection but is smart enough not to want any Mini-Me’s running around, this condom is a godsend,” says one female tester. And apparently “it really feels like the condom is not there at all” (though it’s also no less susceptible to breakage). Afterwards, the couple said they “could never go back to using a thicker one.”
Trojan Her Pleasure Condoms
Trojan claims its extra space around the shaft and added ribbing give a woman more sensation, but our female tester told us she “didn’t really feel the difference,” and neither our male tester nor his partner had much to say at all. No matter how “sensitive” a woman is, crying during The Notebook is no indication that subtle ribbing will get a rise out of her.