Pop Culture Confessional is a column where our writers can divulge and indulge in their most deeply embarrassing cultural passion — and then tell you why it actually rocks. Everyone has a few dirty little secrets. Only the truth shall set us free.
My roommate and I have been known to watch some ridiculous shows. Winter quarter we were all about Sister Wives, but the blooming flowers of Spring Quarter have brought on a new obsession for McCulloch 106. This new love is embarrassing, but I’m ready to come clean about what goes on behind closed doors. I am proud to say that I watch and love Toddlers & Tiaras.
Before you judge me, just listen. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves. We all like to watch a fight go on and then walk away and talk about it with anyone we can find. It's always nice to pass parents who have their kids on one of those leashes disguised as a backpack and think, “Damn, I’m glad I’m not that kid.” That is all Toddlers & Tiaras really is. It is a self-esteem boost, complete with comedic value. How can you go wrong?
In case you have never witnessed the glory of this incredible TLC production, allow me to run through a typical episode. Three families are spotlighted, beginning a few days before the somewhat creepy child beauty pageant, following through the different areas of pageantry, and culminating in the crowning. The children who are profiled are usually between the age of 2 and 11 and their parents definitely range in levels of crazy. The producers do a pretty good job of getting a mix of relatively normal families and the classic batshit crazy ones that, in some cases, make you happy you live nowhere near Mississippi. In preparation, we watch the kids practice routines, get their hair and nails done, spray tan and generally act like the weird children that they know they really are.
Often traveling great distances in order to attend the pageants and spending exorbitant amounts of money on dresses the kids will never wear again, the families arrive at a hotel or school gym or local community center that has been decorated with stars, crowns and a small stage. The sassy girls throw fits and the infants cry as soon as they get on stage. It is pageant time, and man, are we excited! The moment has come!
This is where the show really gets good. The scariest part is that you, in your pajamas eating ice cream on your bed, are truly invested in the contest. The audience learns the kids’ names quickly, and we definitely develop ties to them. We want the normal ones to win and the bitchy ones to lose. Truly, it’s just human nature. Toddlers & Tiaras is just like any sports competition — everyone has a favorite and if they get second runner up, damn right I’m going to be pissed!
The way the audience grows to love, or hate, the contestants is through a series of interjected interviews. The girls talk about why they like pageants, what they are looking forward to and how long they have been participating. Similarly, the parents offer a warped view of the benefits of pageants, always explaining the wonders pageants do for the girls’ confidence and exclaiming, “The moment Emerald says she doesn’t want to do pageants anymore, she will never do another one!” Sure, lady, you keep telling yourself that. Finally, to make it seem more “official,” the director of the pageant usually presents some formal feedback on each girl and the pageant itself.
This little synopsis is not enough for you to understand exactly what I love about the show. Not only do I love judging people, but I also just find the families, and the kids in particular, so incredibly humorous and just so easy to quote. There really are some gems on that show, and I find no shame in watching it.